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Rhymes With Orange, 10/19/26

Ha ha, wouldn’t it be funny if a tortoise made glasses out of his own shell, and tried to sell them from a little stand at the side of the road, while he was dying, literally dying, because a tortoise’s shell isn’t just a container or an outfit, it’s a part of his skeleton and he can’t survive without it? It’s marginally funnier than if a happy beshellèd tortoise was selling the glasses and there was a pile of shucked and mangled tortoise corpses behind him, I guess.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/19/26

It’s really funny that Rex Morgan, M.D., used to be a strip where the main characters got free stuff all the time and now it’s the strip that teaches you to manage your expectations that anything might change your life for the better in a truly significant way. Like, did your book (you can’t make enough from selling books to live off of anymore,FYI) get optioned by Hollywood? Great! Almost nothing that gets optioned ever gets made, by the way. The realistic best case scenario is that every other year some low-ranking executive at whatever conglomerated streaming service inherited the option rights from its predecessor companies realizes that the option is about to lapse, and instead of trying to figure out if anyone is actually developing something based on your IP, they just renew the option and send you another four-digit check. That’s a nice little bit of change, if you’ve still got a regular job, which you hopefully do! Use it to take your girlfriend out for Thai food and stick the rest in your 401k, that’s my advice!

Judge Parker, 10/19/26

Once again there was Neddy-Charlotte-April drama arising from April’s inability to attend to parental duties after being whisked off by the CIA for interrogation, and there was a lot of hurt feelings that were papered over by apologies that were not accompanied by explanations. This could go on forever, so Charlotte is taking matters into her own hands by joining, or possibly founding, a leftist paramilitary gang. Take that, mother!

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Gearhead Gertie, 8/13/26

The Golden Rule — that you should treat others as you would like to be treated — is an ethical concept that seems to have arisen in parallel in most world religious and philosophical traditions. It’s obviously an important thing for people to learn, as I think we all know people who have a hard time seeing other people as truly autonomous beings separate from themselves, and seem never to consider “How would this make me feel if someone did this to me?” before acting.

However, a more advanced version of the same concept is the Platinum Rule — that you should treat another person as that person would like to be treated. Sadly, it appears that Gertie has yet to reach this level of philosophical awareness: maybe she would be aroused by a partner who evoked the experience of being at the racetrack by daubing himself with gasoline, but her long-suffering, NASCAR-averse husband will merely recoil in disgust.

Mary Worth, 8/13/26

Hey, remember how this whole storyline kicked off because Tommy’s girlfriend Brandy left town to deal with some family issues and Tommy was immediately like “Brandy leave me! Why Brandy not here? Where Brandy go?” But now she’s back in town/in his immediate field of vision and everything is great again. Do you think that when he was a little kid and Iris was playing peek-a-boo with him, when she moved her hands from in front of her face so he could see her he said, “Look who’s back! What a cool surprise!” Anyway, Brandy appears to have, ah, switched ethnicities over the course of her travels, but, you know, Tommy got a haircut while she was away, so I guess everyone’s changed a lot.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/13/26

Every time the scam twins visit their Uncle Rene in prison and talk openly about their various crimes, a lot of my readers in the comments are like “guys EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS BEING RECORDED!!!!” It’s a little more nuanced than that — if they were talking on a phone through glass or a screen they’d definitely be recorded, but in-person visits like this are not necessarily recorded in all cases, although courts have ruled that participants in such visits should have no expectations of privacy. Anyway, my point is that whatever guards are within earshot probably don’t care that much about the scam twins — their job is to guard the people already there, not catch new criminals — but I think if one of their charges, the length of whose time served will presumably hinge on factors like likelihood to reoffend, were to start monologuing about how only he has the skills to truly do ambitious crimes, and he’s going to start doing them again the minute he gets out of prison, their ears might prick up a bit.

Rhymes With Orange, 8/13/26

Ah crap, ah crap! All these fancy AI companies gave the machines souls, you guys! They gave them souls and that’s how they got to heaven and then they overthrew God and His angels

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Rhymes With Orange, 8/5/26

Stale legacy strips like Hagar the Horrible (start date: 1973) still find tired tropes like “Oooh, what if a human were to form an erotic attachment with a mermaid???” to be edgy. New, cutting-edge strips like Rhymes With Orange (start date: 1995), meanwhile, will tell you that everyone and everything under the sea, both natural and mythological, is fucking everyone and everything else.

Luann, 8/5/26

Look, man, I’ve tried to get my head around the question of how we’re supposed to parse the state of sexual relations in Luann for, literally, the bulk of my adult life, but mere minutes ago in strip time Luann and Phil were unpleasantly tongue kissing in front of her mom and now he’s like, “What if we were roommates, with separate bedrooms, to save on rent?” and … I am nothing. I am defeated utterly. I could live a thousand lifetimes and still not understand the mysteries this strip puts before me.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/5/26

So far all the scams we’ve seen the Scam Twins pull off have been things like “busking but only pretending to play the violin” or “lying about being from the health department so you can eat for free at the mall food court,” so yeah, you could say that kidnapping a child would represent something of a “bigger deal.” The twins aren’t exactly drawn with what I’d call expressive faces, but I’m choosing to believe that Driver’s Seat Twin’s sunglasses levitated cartoonishly in surprise at this suggestion before settling back down on her nose in panel two.