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Crock, 9/24/25

In my freshman year of college, there was an outbreak of E. coli at various Jack in the Boxes that killed four children, and a friend of mine who had worked at McDonald’s told me something I have never forgotten, which was that (at the time, anyway) they never taught fast food workers how to tell if a burger was cooked properly, but instead just taught them to put it on a bun when the timer rang. “If that timer went haywire and started ringing early, I would have definitely been serving people raw hamburgers,” he said. It was enough to keep me off fast food hamburgers for life, though for some entirely fake reason the flash-fried breaded chicken products seem safe to me. Anyway, my point is, I was using this news peg to play my fun “what year is this Crock rerun from?” game and was going to triumphantly announce that it was 1993, but then I saw that it actually had a 1997 copyright date, which means that even upon its original publication it was four years out of date.

Luann, 9/24/25

So Gunther and his girlfriend Bets are doing some sort of fundraiser for animal adoption with their cosplay group and are of course cosplaying appropriately. At first I was going to come in hot and absolutely furious at how much more work she had put into her costume than he did, but then I remembered the last time Gunther engaged in sexy, elaborate cosplay it was fucking horrifying, so I think he should actually be discouraged from applying any more effort to this whole thing than he’s doing now.

Rhymes With Orange, 9/24/25

Have you guys seen how much mortuary services cost? If my funeral were botched in such a disgraceful fashion, I would certainly hope that one of my loved ones would speak up on behalf of my dignity and the dignity of those gathered to mourn, rather than just cracking wise.

Mary Worth, 9/24/25

If there’s one thing I hope to have established in 20 years of blogging, it’s that joshreads dot com is your number one website for finding out if today’s comics pages feature Mary Worth, a psychic child, and a guy dressed sort of like an old lighthouse keeper screaming in terror as their hot air balloon crashes into a pine forest. If you’re wondering, today is, at long last, that day.

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Rhymes With Orange, 7/11/25

No, see, GoFundMe is the website you use for crowdfunding when you have an unexpected and dire financial emergency of some sort, as is the case here. Kickstarter is the website you use when you’re crowdfunding and you plan to produce something with the money you collect. Since this woman has already eaten and/or drunk whatever was in the minibar, the only possibilities are pretty dire.

Slylock Fox, 7/11/25

Wow, Max Mouse is really excited to finally be the subject of the “How To Draw” feature, huh? “Draw me, children!” he seems to be saying. “Draw me! Make thousands, nay, millions of Max Mouses, one for every home in the land! A Max army! Each Max may be small, but our numbers will overwhelm our enemies!”

Dick Tracy, 7/11/25

God damn it, Dick, that should be “If they got through the time portal, who knows when they ended up.” This is why we don’t give you more time travel stories!

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Mary Worth, 3/11/25

I have to admit that I’ve never fully understood the arrangement Wilbur and Mary have where Mary subs for him as “Ask Wendy” when he’s too busy travelling (or too busy masturbating nostalgically to the hot sales director from Orlando that he met while traveling). Like, is she doing it as a “personal favor,” for free, or is he paying her, and if so is he paying more or less than what he makes? I guess what I’m getting at is that Wilbur doesn’t seem that emotionally or for that matter financially attached to the column, and I’m guessing that a syndicated newspaper column that your name doesn’t actually appear on is one of those things you can pretty easily convince your bosses to hand over to another person of your choosing, especially once you tell them said other person has actually been writing it for some time. On the other hand, don’t forget that Wilbur literally won his job as an advice columnist in a contest, and I while I always assumed it was a thing where people submitted sample advice to the paper and they picked whoever was best at it, maybe it was more like the deal where you meet the Devil at a crossroads in rural Georgia and go toe-to-toe with him in an advice-writing competition, winning a new job but losing … your eternal soul. Wilbur would have a hard time being rid of that sort of job, but if he could just get Mary to sign this contract, a lot of his problems would be taken care of … no need to read the fine print, Mary…

Luann, 3/11/25

In classic Luann fashion, Luann’s terrible date has somehow morphed into a large and complex event over at The Fuse, about which I have two things to say: (a) Tiffany is right, “Transfuse at the Fuse” is a more fun way to brand this than a giant boring sign that says “BLOOD DRIVE”, and (b) Tiffany should not back down just because she suddenly noticed that this guy named “Phil” or whatever is cute, since we’ve already seen his date with Luann and as noted seen that it was terrible, mostly as a result of his off-putting personality. Stand your ground, Tiff, he’s going to read at you off of index cards, you as always deserve better!

Rhymes With Orange, 3/11/25

I mean, it’s going to break most of her, honestly — pretty much all her organs and body parts, and then she’ll die. That’s how fly swatters work: by delivering shattering blunt force onto the body of the fly.

Shoe, 3/11/25

ME USUALLY: Shoe is such a jerk. Sometimes I wish he would take a minute and reflect on his wreck of a life. He won’t like what he sees!

ME TODAY: Oh god, OK, this might’ve gotten too dark, actually