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Mary Worth, 3/11/25

I have to admit that I’ve never fully understood the arrangement Wilbur and Mary have where Mary subs for him as “Ask Wendy” when he’s too busy travelling (or too busy masturbating nostalgically to the hot sales director from Orlando that he met while traveling). Like, is she doing it as a “personal favor,” for free, or is he paying her, and if so is he paying more or less than what he makes? I guess what I’m getting at is that Wilbur doesn’t seem that emotionally or for that matter financially attached to the column, and I’m guessing that a syndicated newspaper column that your name doesn’t actually appear on is one of those things you can pretty easily convince your bosses to hand over to another person of your choosing, especially once you tell them said other person has actually been writing it for some time. On the other hand, don’t forget that Wilbur literally won his job as an advice columnist in a contest, and I while I always assumed it was a thing where people submitted sample advice to the paper and they picked whoever was best at it, maybe it was more like the deal where you meet the Devil at a crossroads in rural Georgia and go toe-to-toe with him in an advice-writing competition, winning a new job but losing … your eternal soul. Wilbur would have a hard time being rid of that sort of job, but if he could just get Mary to sign this contract, a lot of his problems would be taken care of … no need to read the fine print, Mary…

Luann, 3/11/25

In classic Luann fashion, Luann’s terrible date has somehow morphed into a large and complex event over at The Fuse, about which I have two things to say: (a) Tiffany is right, “Transfuse at the Fuse” is a more fun way to brand this than a giant boring sign that says “BLOOD DRIVE”, and (b) Tiffany should not back down just because she suddenly noticed that this guy named “Phil” or whatever is cute, since we’ve already seen his date with Luann and as noted seen that it was terrible, mostly as a result of his off-putting personality. Stand your ground, Tiff, he’s going to read at you off of index cards, you as always deserve better!

Rhymes With Orange, 3/11/25

I mean, it’s going to break most of her, honestly — pretty much all her organs and body parts, and then she’ll die. That’s how fly swatters work: by delivering shattering blunt force onto the body of the fly.

Shoe, 3/11/25

ME USUALLY: Shoe is such a jerk. Sometimes I wish he would take a minute and reflect on his wreck of a life. He won’t like what he sees!

ME TODAY: Oh god, OK, this might’ve gotten too dark, actually

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Suburban Fairy Tales, 12/9/24

I was going to give you the deep lore behind today’s strip but I think it’s pretty obvious from context, right? Third little pig and lady wolf are in an unconventional species-crossing relationship, pig’s mom doesn’t approve, yadda yadda yadda, you get it. It’s an allegorical tale about the dangers of prejudice, except the she-wolf is clearly contemplating killing and eating the mom pig in the panel three, so honestly maybe it’s an allegorical tale about the dangers of not being prejudiced enough.

Rhymes With Orange, 12/9/24

Snakes are obligate carnivores and any snake of that size is going to primarily eat mice, so I’m really curious about the legal situation here. Is the snake on trial for murder? Surely a member of any species that exclusively eats mice would, in a civilization where mice have legal rights, immediately become an outlaw and face extermination, right? On the other hand, maybe this is a legal system like the ancient Norse one, where harms are weighed and fines assessed based on the varying social positions of the interested parties. In such a case, it makes sense to have a judge from a completely different phylum from either of the parties to the case, and they should be willing to put up with a bit of delay in return for his objectivity.

Hi and Lois, 12/9/24

Yes, by saying that he wanted to watch something other than what his mother and sister were watching, Ditto hoped his mother would give him permission to go to his parents’ bedroom, so he could watch the thing he wanted to watch. I know I can’t shut up about the new post-punchline Hi and Lois being good, but I do feel like I need a little more to work with than this.

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Rhymes With Orange, 11/10/24

Hey, everybody. Have you ever wondered if demons, the dark angels who have turned their back on God and now live in Hell, where they have the job of inflicting awful tortures on the damned for all eternity, have to go to school, like orindary children? Well, apparently they do. I’m just as surprised as you, to be honest. Doesn’t seem like it’d be up their alley in my opinion. They really strike me as being more into the cursing their Creator and inflicting inhuman suffering on his creations kind of thing rather than learning new information and skills in a supportive environment.

Dennis the Menace, 11/10/24

“Based on the fact that he’s walking towards Mr. Wilson’s house, I bet he’s walking towards Mr. Wilson’s house.” Do you even hear yourself, Henry? Do you and your wife truly have nothing better to talk about than this? That’s sad, man.

Crock, 11/10/24

Every once in a while I like to play the game of “What Year’s Topical Issue Is Today’s Crock Rerun About?” This one clearly is about “health care reform,” obviously. But, that doesn’t really narrow it down: was it from 2010? 1993? 1974? 1945? Could be any of them! This strip’s been around forever!