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Mary Worth, 8/4/09

Well, it’s been a long, exciting, and baffling adventure for our Delilah, but she’s learned some important things about life, and a woman’s place in it. Specifically she’s learned that, as a woman, she has exactly two choices in this world: she can be married to a decent, successful husband who’s never home, with whom she shares no real emotional intimacy, and with whom she’s never really figured out how to communicate properly, or she can be subject to the predatory lusts of a hedonistic child-hating alcoholic porn addict. (It is interesting to note that she will be listening to Rogers and Hammerstein in either scenario.) Having chosen wisely, she at least has something to look forward to on the horizon: the day her much-older husband drops dead, leaving her a comfortable inheritance that will allow her to live independently and act as a puppet master, manipulating the lives of hapless others.

Speaking of which, Mary sure is looking pretty quietly smug in that first panel, isn’t she? She appears to have gone to the trouble of putting on lipstick, because it’s always nice to look your best as you reflect on your own awesomely good sense and good judgment.

Gil Thorp, 8/4/09

Aw, isn’t that cute? Gil’s decided to adopt a violent, penniless 24-year-old burnout. Like Mimi, you might think that this is a rash and foolish decision, but he’s really just filling the hole in his life left by his own children, who, outside of the occasional Christmas card, haven’t been seen in the strip for nearly three years.

Shoe, 8/4/09

Ha ha, it’s funny because they’re begging for their lives!

Is this any creepier because the lobsters are going to be eaten by anthropomorphic birds? It’s not like they’re even the same phylum or anything.

Hi and Lois, 8/4/09

“You might also want to pretend that you’re swimming in water, rather than in the thick, viscous oil that I’ve filled the pool with for some reason.”

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Rex Morgan, M.D. 6/29/09

Rex Morgan, M.D.’s narrative lens has blessedly chosen to avert its gaze from June and Rex’s sure-to-be-awkward attempts to make a baby, which, I assume, means that we have arrived at the beginning of an EXCITING NEW ADVENTURE! Involving, uh, Becka, I guess; I mostly forgot who she was, but I think she’s a nurse at Rex and June’s practice (you might remember her helping June prepare for the MRSApocalypse). Anyway, she’s married to … Peter, it appears, whom I’m pretty sure I have no idea who that is, and who appears to be skulking about Sector T5 with sexy nutritionist Estelle Kirkland! What could these two be up to? Nutrition? Adultery? Adultery, followed by nutritious meals? Stay tuned!

Mary Worth, 6/29/09

Mary’s increasing desperation at her failed attempt to bludgeon Delilah back into her doomed marriage has been rather transparent. Nevertheless, Mary, that’s no excuse for pointing so rudely. Delilah may not be able to see it, but we can, and I for one am quite offended. It makes me want to refuse to join Lord Kitchener’s Army, which, having defeated the Hun, is apparently to be deployed to restore the magical Delilah-Lawrence romance back to its rightful unity, despite what the actual parties involved want.

Shoe, 6/29/09

Specifically, on someone who actually has hair — a mammal, say.

Pluggers, 6/29/09

Pluggers are sick of all this wasteful government spending. When will Congress allocate funds to something truly useful, like helping pluggers poop?

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Shoe, 6/17/09

The thing that most unsettles me about Shoe is of course its occasional portrayal of “sexy” lady birds, but the “goggle-eyed look of horror reaction shot” is a close second, especially since the punchlines in this strip are generally good-natured jokes about everyday life and not, say, an announcement of existential crisis. For instance, going by today’s text alone, I’d guess that this is supposed to be some wry commentary on how low the resale value is for all those expensive consumer goods we buy, and what’reyagonnado, amiright? But the way that our two characters are looking at each other in undisguised shock in the final panel implies that this sale of the Perfesser’s possessions was a last-ditch effort to raise funds that they desperately needed, and that the bad men will be coming to cut off their thumbs shortly.

Family Circus, 6/17/09

Wow, this week’s “Little Billy, Age 7” cartoons sure are extra harrowing, aren’t they? I have no idea where Big Daddy Keane’s day job is supposed to be or why Billy is there with him, but the meaning of his display of violence is fairly clear. “See what I did to the machine, when it didn’t give me the bag of Funyuns that I paid for? Well, just think of what I’m going to do to you and your sister and your idiot brother if I don’t get the [kick] God [kick] damned [kick] peace and quiet [kick] I deserve [kick] once in a while!”

Sally Forth, 6/17/09

Ah, a mother’s love! It encourages us to speak in the sweet, comforting voice of LIES. Really, Sally, if Hillary always “do[es] great” on her finals, then why, after 27 years, has she still not advanced to the sixth grade?

Dennis the Menace, 6/17/09

“So I thought you might want to stab him with this, to teach him not to shoot off his big mouth.”