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Curtis, 4/11/19

Far be it for me to criticize another man’s curmudgeoning, but I think that Greg has the escalating affronts to his sensibilities in the wrong order here. The elder Wilkins is generally depicted as being obsessed with how much Better Things Used To Be, in the Past, despite the fact that he’s a middle-of-the-cohort Gen Xer, at oldest, but anyway, what is a podcast if not the modern-day equivalent of an old-timey radio show? Shouldn’t Greg be pleased that this ancient art is being recognized and turned into movie franchises, just like the old radio serials of old? His reaction seems way, way over the top: as he begs his Creator to take him away from this fallen world in the final panel, he appears to have taken the admonishment in Matthew 18:9 to heart, plucking out his own eyes so that he can’t see the abomination that is a Sir Patrick Stewart-voiced poop emoji. But you can still hear the podcasts, Greg. You can still hear the podcasts.

Shoe, 4/11/19

I can’t decide if this strip is an indication that the Shoe creative team has suddenly remembered that their characters are all birds, or have forgotten so profoundly that they made this joke entirely on accident.

Judge Parker, 4/11/19

Two days later, Marie was murdered by the mafia. Sam and Abbey never noticed that she failed to visit over the holidays, because [rolls dice] Neddy [rolls dice again] was sad because she lacked direction, and that took up all their energy.

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Sam and Silo, 3/7/19

I was going to do a kind of dumb “Ho ho, the sequence of noises Sam describes sounds vaguely sexual, which certainly has ribald implications for what the relationship between the two title characters is like!” joke, but, you know what those noises actually sound like? A murder. Like a guy was getting murdered and tried to call the sheriff but never was able to choke out a cry for help before his antagonist shut him up … forever. This certainly has horrifying implications for what the relationship between the two title characters is like!

Shoe, 3/7/19

The deal with the “Wizard” character in Shoe is that he’s the computer repair/tech support guy, because, ha ha, you have to be a darn magician to deal with those computers, am I right people? But the Shoe creative team long ago decided that they’re not going to hand-hold potential new readers of the strip and so no, they’re not going to ever explain why most of these bird-people are dressed like ordinary humans but one of them is wearing a wizard outfit, you just have to get it from context. This exchange is vaguely on-brand for his character because he’s being asked for his tech opinions, but the discussion really falls under the umbrella of thought leadership rather than practical advice. Anyway, I like to imagine that if you came into this cold, you’d think that this wizard-bird, using his magical powers to scry into the future, is looking forward to the day when the primitive ground-dwelling ape creatures develop intelligence and supplant the treetop civilization the birds have created.

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Gil Thorp, 1/7/18

So obviously we all knew that this billboards thing would end up as an attack on Coach Thorp, but I don’t think we were prepared for how hilariously nonspecific the accusations would end up being. “Wait!” cried Robby, of the titular report dot com. “I just meant ‘save the kids from his half-assed coaching!’” But it was too late: just hours after the #pizzagate and #qanon crowds saw the billboard posted on Reddit, the doxxing swiftly followed, and the angry mob had burned down the Thorps’ house, Kelly’s travel agency, and, just be safe, Milford High itself.

Mary Worth, 1/7/18

“I’m just going to wear these black armbands to symbolize my mourning for the trust in our marriage that’s now dead! He’ll get the hint!”

Shoe, 1/7/18

“And it seemed weird at first, but, like, we’re birds who wear clothes, you know? I mean, I’m wearing clothes. You’re wearing a shirt and shoes but no pants for whatever reason. Who can really explain the world-building here, right? Anyway, this dog is my sister, I guess.”