Post Content

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/14/17

Ugh, fine, we get it, we frickin’ get it, the both of you are upstanding and moral and would never even be able to get your incredibly righteous minds around the very idea of defrauding people for money. It’s baffling to you that anyone would possibly do this. Well, maybe I have someone who can explain the idea to you: BAD-ASS ART FORGER GUY!!!!

IT’S LIKE THIS, SQUARES:

AUTHENTICITY IS A BOURGEOIS AFFECTATION

IF YOU ENJOY THE WAY A PIECE OF ART LOOKS, WHY DOES IT MATTER TO YOU WHO CREATED IT?

YOU’RE FOOLING YOURSELF IF YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE “REAL” ART AND MY MASTERFUL REPRODUCTION

I’M HURTING NOBODY AND MAKING MAD BANK, SO SUCK IT HATERS

Anyway, several of you have suggested that our scam artist is actually Rene, who we last saw as Sarah’s art teacher/a master forger in the employ of the mob, who fled his mafioso compatriots and shaved his head and got new sunglasses. It’s totally possible! Though Rene always seemed like the nervous type? Not a true stud with ice water flowing through his veins like our villain here.

Shoe, 10/14/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because the strip prompts intrusive thoughts of this late-middle-aged bird-man contorting his creaky body so he can have acrobatic sex with his yoga instructor girlfriend, who is presumably also an anthropomorphic bird, and who we’re probably meant to envision as significantly younger than him! Oh, wait, you don’t have an awful hell-brain like mine? You say the comic didn’t prompt those images, which only arose when I suggested them? Well, too bad! Enjoy your weekend!

[leaves for a minute, but then comes back, to whisper a single word]: cloaca

Post Content

Shoe, 9/11/17

One of the main things I will remembered for long after my death is coining the term “nephewism,” which now has its own TV Tropes entry, and basically describes a common trope where the protagonist is cared for by an aunt and/or uncle with no actual parents around. Sometimes this is mined for creative backstory once the world of the strip has been established (as in the case for Spider-Man, which is what I made up the word to describe); other times, as in Shoe, it mainly serves to graft a younger character into the world of an established one without having to create a sexual life for the latter. Who are Skyler’s parents? How long has he lived with his Uncle Cosmo, who clearly barely tolerates him? We haven’t gotten much information on the rest of the Fishhawk family, which is why the Perfesser’s mention of his grandfather (Skyler’s great-grandfather) is kind of poignant. “Yep, grandpa used to lure fish into the boat by keeping his mouth filled with worms, which sounds disgusting but it’s not, because we’re birds! As birds, we’re actually pretty well known chewing up disgusting bugs and whatnot and then regurgitating them into mouths of our young. So if you think about it, this was actually a very tender and paternal move on my grandfather’s part, right up until he ate the fish. Just like he ate your parents. Oh no, I’ve said too much.”

Gil Thorp, 9/11/17

In slightly more realistic nephew-oriented scenarios, today’s Gil Thorp sets us up for the football season with a new character: Rick, who’s living with an uncle who he probably doesn’t know so well and who still thinks of him as a kid. What happened to Rick’s parents? I dunno, but after the decidedly dull summer plot, I am 100% ready for the story of the cargo-jeans-wearing Uncle Gary, who’s like a pageant mom only instead making his little daughter enter beauty pageants he’s making his teenage nephew enter talent shows down at the Elk’s Lodge, which he somehow thinks will jump-start a rocket ride to success for both of them.

Slylock Fox, 9/11/17

Most of these audience members are smiling because they’re excited to see a magic trick performed. Not Slylock, though! Slylock’s smiling because he knows this “magic trick” is going to suck, and that the rest of the crowd is going to be furious. “They’re gonna tear this clown apart,” he thinks, smugly.

Post Content

Shoe, 8/15/17

Today’s Shoe takes us on a fairly baffling rollercoaster of the Perfesser’s emotions as he quickly cycles from grinning mania to dead-eyed ennui. Are we meant to believe that our love-starved protagonist is getting excited at the prospect of a companion that he can enjoy late-night strolls with, only to abruptly realize that the construct of an outgoing, active romantic partner he’s building for his dating profile is a web of hopeful lies? Or did he have this gag all plotted out, hoping to tickle this poor dating service employee’s funny bone if only briefly, but then realized halfway through it — too late to pull out — that it wasn’t funny and wasn’t going to make anybody laugh? If it’s the latter, then both depressed-looking characters truly represent all of us in that final panel.

Mary Worth, 8/15/17

Please clip ‘n’ save this second panel, as it I feel fairly certain this is going to be exactly as happy as Dawn will ever be in this medical love triangle scenario. Let’s just refer back to her gazing enraptured up into Dr. Ned’s calm, handsome face in six to twelve weeks after the dumping, or the murders, or the dumping-murders, or whatever we have in store for us.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/15/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because Hootin’ Holler is so impoverished that its citizens have to resort to robbing one another just to survive!

Hagar the Horrible, 8/15/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because this man’s job is to kill people one by one to enforce the brutal will of the state, and he is haunted by each and every one of their faces!