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Blondie, 7/5/17

For everyone who’s ever wanted a comic panel of an electronics salesman contemplating whether his parents were overseas when they fucked him into existence: today’s Blondie is for you!

Dennis the Menace, 7/5/17

I’m not sure what’s a bigger menace to the patriarchy: Dennis in his childlike innocence wondering aloud about sartorial double standards, or Alice’s unabashed usurpation of the male gaze as a sexy surfer catches her eye.

Shoe, 7/5/17

I may not think much of the jokes in Shoe, but I have to give the strip credit: at least the characters always look like they want to kill themselves as they deliver them!

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Mary Worth, 6/15/17

So after getting caught by his wife smooching a non-wife lady and being told to find somewhere else to sleep tonight, on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean, Derek has chosen to … admonish Esme using sexy banter from an old-timey movie? I’m beginning to think Derek might not be 100% committed to this whole “not cheating on his wife” thing, guys.

Dick Tracy, 6/15/17

Dick is entirely conscious that the purpose of the “law and order” regime he imposes on Neo-Chicago is to protect the property interests of the monied classes, so obviously he doesn’t want to go around hassling bank executives, even if they are harassing one of his close personal friends.

Shoe, 6/15/17

“Is it a sapient, talking bird, with a job and clothes, much like us? Will using the pronoun ‘it’ distance me from the horror that I am contemplating with so much ugly joy?”

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Mary Worth, 6/6/17

I was going to make some snide comment about how mariachi music is from Jalisco, on Mexico’s Pacific coast, and totally out of place here in the Yucatan, but heck, you can hire a mariachi band for your wedding in Tulum! You can hire a jug band in Staten Island! Cultures are becoming more and more homogenous as people become more mobile, and as global elite tourism demands to be catered to by specific forms of cultural output! Mary and Toby had better get deeply margarita-drunk while wearing sombreros by the end of this storyline, is what I’m trying to say. Meanwhile, it’s sad that Haiti’s rich cultural heritage has was ignored last month in favor of their unfortunate history of accidental bathroom imprisonment.

Beetle Bailey, 6/6/17

What with the end of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the idea that two men in the military might be involved in a secret S&M relationship no longer holds a transgressive thrill. That’s why Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC has moved on to “jell-offing,” a sexual fetish where someone can only achieve orgasm if his or her genitals are nestled in a slowly curdling blob of delicious JELL-O® brand pudding.

Blondie, 6/6/17

It’s pretty sad that Blondie had to hire top-notch Web designers and food photographers to create an elaborate website like this for her catering business. Taking photos of each and every single dish she offers definitely has diminishing returns as advertising, but I guess it makes her feel better to know that, if Dagwood’s going to spend his time at work masturbating to food pornography, at least he’s masturbating to her food pornography.

Crock, 6/6/17

It’s kind of odd that Otis, who is one of the more frequently used members of Crock’s cast of characters, has been reduced to a tiny, glowering, wordless gnome-thing in this strip. But I guess it’s also odd that he had “Show and Tell” at school and didn’t bring in his best friend, a talking bird who feasts on the rotting flesh of the dead.

Shoe, 6/6/17

nggnnngghghggngn

THERE IS NO HALL

YOU’RE IN A SINGLE ROOM INSIDE A TREE TRUNK

WHY DON’T YOU SAY “DOWN THE BRANCH” OR SOMETHING

JUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THEY’RE BIRDS LIVING FULL-TIME IN TREES FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE

GOD DAMN IT