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Funky Winkerbean, 7/18/11

Man, I was trying to figure out what the next angle would be in the continuing story of “Long-suffering Les becomes a literary bigshot and also totally insufferable.” Now we know: he’s going to track down everyone who’s ever slighted him and subject each and every one of them to a pompous, passive-aggressive piece of his mind. I dearly hope that this episode, in which Les berates a professor who almost certainly remembers him and his awful adolescent scribblings not at all, is not presented in flashback, but rather that we just get to see Les describe the epic confrontation over the course of the week. That way we won’t miss a single one of his smug facial expressions!

Mary Worth, 7/18/11

Ha ha, man, Mary’s gone from swinging around the dance floor with Jeff to heading out the sliding glass doors to the parking lot in what appears to be about 15 seconds. Girl can really move when someone asks her for an emotional commitment!

Six Chix, 7/18/11

Is … is this a comic about cheerful talking cows being led into an abattoir under false pretenses? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s about.

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Luann, 7/12/11

I’ve been reading Luann long enough to recognize that when there’s a nameplate sitting on a desk in the third panel with a name written in more or less legible Chicago font, it’s supposed to be meaningful; however, I haven’t been reading long enough to know who “Ann Eiffel” is. Quick, to the Luann Wikipedia page! Said Wikipedia page is of course ludicrously over-detailed and has already provided plenty of fodder for the Wikipedia-themed Tumblr I help run; however, I shouldn’t knock it, because it provided the crucial information that Ann is a sex predator of indeterminate romantic orientation, having been fired from her bookstore-management job because of her lustful obsession with Bernice and/or Zane (Zane being Bernice’s wheelchair-bound love interest, circa 2002). Combine that with the way she lingers over “appreciative” in panel two and I think we all know that we have Brad WeenieWorld Harass-O-Thon ’11 ahead of us, which I cannot even tell you how excited I am about it.

Opening discussion question for Brad WeenieWorld Harass-O-Thon ’11: Is it easier to sexually harass people at WeenieWorld than at other companies, because you could always plausibly claim that all your inappropriate weenie-themed remarks were in fact work related?

Blondie, 7/12/11

My favorite part about this cartoon is that Blondie is just hanging out inside, chattering on the phone, letting all the numerologically fixated lovebirds stew out in the heat. It’s even funnier because, seeing as Blondie and Tootsie are the only Blondie’s Catering employees, I’m assuming that they’re only going to be able to cater the wedding for the first couple in line.

Mark Trail, 7/12/11

See, this is what happens when you overuse bold in your word balloons: when Sheriff Whatshisface finally realizes that his son was the Moccasin Thief all along, the only way his hurt and betrayal can be properly expressed is through yellow lettering. Yellow: the color of paternal heartbreak.

Mary Worth, 7/12/11

At first I though Jeff was putting together a spreadsheet to prove with science and numbers that Mary should marry him. But in fact it appears that he’s long ago given up that hope, and now is only focused on how lucrative her meddling powers are.

Ziggy, 7/12/11

Oh, Ziggy, I think your goldfish is quite well aware of the mammalian nature of whales (or, as fish call them, “warm-blooded sea-frauds”). I think that evil grin is there because he fervently believes that the man-whale battle depicted in Moby Dick is just the opening salvo in an intra-mammal civil war that will allow the fish to pick up the pieces and rule supreme in the Neo-Devonian golden age.

Ballard Street, 7/12/11

I’m pretty sure this is the first time an actual puddle of urine has been depicted on the comics pages. I would have guessed that Marvin would the be perpetrator.

Beetle Bailey, 7/12/11

The easiest way to get me to stop making jokes about Beetle Bailey’s Beetle-and-Sarge-are-lovers subtext: turn it into Beetle-and-Sarge-are-lovers text. Boring!

6 Chix, 7/12/11

Meanwhile, in Six Chix, some lady is giving a genie a handjob.

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Beetle Bailey, 5/24/11

I realize that making fun of Beetle Bailey for being lazy is in and of itself lazy at this point, but come on, would it have killed one of the no doubt half-dozen people who had a hand in the production of this panel to have created an even remotely plausible scenario in which Sarge would reach for a donut and then fall off a cliff? Maybe they could have, I don’t know, depicted the donut in some way? Suspended from a string just over the ledge as part of an elaborate trap set by Beetle? A hallucination of the poor food-addicted sergeant? Just in a box, lying on the ground? Help me out here.

Six Chix, 5/24/11/

I guess the joke is supposed to be on the prying old lady, but her sly smile in panel one indicates that she’s not even remotely scandalized by her neighbor’s response. “Well, in my day we liked to keep things within the confines of marriage, but the most important thing is that you’re experiencing erotic pleasure with your favorite man on a regular basis. You go with your bad self, young lady! It’s lucky that we have so much space between our houses, so we can be as vocal as we want in the throes of orgasm and not worry about bothering each other!” She’d probably be disappointed to learn that the younger woman is just using her coffee maker as some kind of makeshift sex toy.