Post Content

Six Chix, 1/24/12

I’m totally in love with this drunken lump’s extreme level of dishevelment! I especially like the incredibly awkward position he’s passed out in, and the fact that he’s still clutching his precious, precious tallboy, even in unconsciousness. Also, that slice of pizza, just sitting on the couch with no plate or anything and almost certainly permanently grease-staining the cushion, is charming to me in its disgustingness.

But still, ladies! Do not fear that any man you meet on the Internet will be gross! My wife found me online, and I have rarely left any kind of mark on the upholstery in her house in the eight years or so since I moved into it.

Mary Worth, 1/24/12

Well, if against all odds and good taste Mary’s victory lap is going to be extended for another week, I guess having Emily and her family do the worshipping is marginally OK, considering. “It’s good to see you too Ms. Worth! We are so very grateful! And we thought to ourselves, what gift could possibly be adequate to show our gratitude to the God-woman who rescued our daughter? So we now present you the dismembered torso of Emily’s kidnapper, wrapped in a plastic bag for your convenience. A blood sacrifice for you, O divine being!”

Archie, 1/24/12

If you need proof that the current run of Archie strips are repeats from a pre-Internet era, consider this: can you imagine any news event so horrible that would reduce a seasoned TV anchor, cynical to the core and used to smiling his way through whatever words the teleprompter spit out at him, to tears, that you wouldn’t learn about until the six o’clock news? Anything worth ol’ Dan Brenon’s anxiety here — nuclear holocaust, one or more coastal states falling into the sea, a mass outbreak of zombie plague, what have you — would surely have been chatted up on Twitter or something hours ago.

Spider-Man, 1/24/12

Having realized that he’s far too incompetent to defeat or even find Thor, Spidey has decided to seek help from the Avengers, just in time to be four months ahead of the Avengers movie! Anyway, they’ll probably rescue MJ for him, but they’re gonna smack him around a bit first, just for fun.

Post Content

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/16/11

When I saw the first panel of this strip, I thought, “Wow, it’s a representative of the Hootin’ Holler law enforcement apparatus who isn’t Sheriff Tait! You almost never see them!” Then in the second panel I realized why. Sheriff Tait may have come to some sort of modus vivendi with the violent criminals who inhabit his jurisdiction, but those scofflaws won’t hesitate to murder one of Tait’s employees in cold blood when he tries to do the basics of his job.

Hagar the Horrible, 1/16/11

This wizened Viking chieftain may no longer be physically fit enough to join in on his murderous clan’s annual expeditions of rape and plunder, but he still has enough social standing to demand that the raiders bring him back the sex slaves that are his right.

Six Chix, 1/16/11

I may be revealing my failure as a plugged-in consumer of popular culture here, but I’ve never actually seen the Saturday Night Live “More Cowbell” sketch. My understanding is that it involves Christopher Walken as a music producer, demanding more cowbell over the course of recording a song? I don’t really see how that relates to the scene here, which makes me suspect that the reference was a last-minute nonsensical substitution for the original text, in which this beady-eyed cat expressed its contempt for and violent intentions towards its sleeping family in terms that simply could not be published in a family newspaper.

Panel from Mary Worth, 1/16/11

Oh, and hey, is Mary Worth using her recent kidnap-foiling to demand that everyone kiss her ass even harder than usual? You’d better believe it!

Post Content

Mary Worth, 12/8/11

I swore a blood oath to myself that I wouldn’t discuss Mary Worth until something happened, and now something has, so here you go! Anyway, Mary has proved herself history’s greatest hero by physically blocking the door briefly to give the cops long enough to arrive and apprehend our kidnapper. Bonus points for really trying to get into the depraved criminal’s head with her “That young girl you’ve kidnapped sure is attractive, you’ve definitely made the right choice there” technique. Look for Mary’s sense of self-regard to reach levels that scientists had hitherto believed to be impossible.

Apartment 3-G, 12/8/11

Oh my goodness you guys, is … is Ruby Lu Ann’s biological mother??? Who maybe got knocked up as a teen and handed over the child to her aunt and uncle to raise? Causing resentment in said aunt and uncle’s biological daughter, and, eventually, in said aunt and uncle themselves? Does this explain the weird family dynamic, and why Ruby showed up in New York a few years ago acting all maternal-like towards Lu Ann? Will Lu Ann and Margo finally find something to bond over (i.e., their sordid, secret parentage), leaving Tommie, presumably the biological child of the married adults who raised her, even more boring and left out than usual?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/8/11

Rex Morgan’s sexy rebellious teen plot has ended with a thwarted rape attempt and a mother-daughter reconciliation (i.e., it ended extremely not sexily), but I do have vague hopes for what’s coming next. Remember, Niki’s mom was a former meth lab tech who Rex hired to work in his clinic and who hasn’t been heard from since. I share Rex’s sense that “she doesn’t do the outdoors” is code for either “she’s in the middle of a six-week cross-country crank-fueled bank robbery spree” or “she’s been dead for weeks and I keep cashing her public assistance checks.” I was going to say that Rex ought to know more details, since he’s her employer and all, but then I remembered that Rex really doesn’t care about other people enough to pay attention to them.

Six Chix, 12/8/11

I know I usually only put up cartoons to make fun of them, but I really love today’s Six Chix! I especially like (a) the fact that only one third of the book group hated this week’s read enough to burn it and (b) that even in their rage these ladies made a makeshift fire pit, possibly out of the top of a barrel, rather than just burning the books in the middle of the floor. There’s no need to make a mess!