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Dennis the Menace, 6/26/06

Here’s one for the Crappy Coloring Chronicles: does poor Ruff have mold growing in his fluffy white coat? One of the fraternities at my college had a St. Bernard that they used as a mascot but otherwise left to wander the campus unattended, and he often had something greenish and inappropriate growing in the folds of his fur, so it can happen, but Ruff is the cared for by an Eisenhower-era nuclear family unit, not twenty or so perpetually drunk and irresponsible 19-year-old layabouts. This actually reinforces my belief that the coloring of the daily comics is done in some steamy tropical locale where the wages are shockingly low and mildew grows in everything. Either that, or it’s done by robots who are wholly unfamiliar with carbon-based forms of life.

Mary Worth, 6/26/06

I know it’s really just the crappy quality of this graphic, but I’d like to believe that Mary’s eyes are rolling back in her head as she struggles to comprehend the fact that Dr. Jeff has finally managed to extract himself from her clutches. The bold-italics of that last phrase in Jeff’s word balloon implies a certain note of triumph, and the way he holds up his wine glass for a toast shows that he’s going to do this dump job in style. Mary is enjoying a glass of human blood, as is her wont.

Gasoline Alley, 6/26/06

Meanwhile, in Gasoline Alley, a small child is about to be eaten by a bear.

Six Chix, 6/26/06

In Six Chix, a proud young person punches an old woman in the face.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 6/26/06

And in TDIET, a German family is baffled by the idea that non-Germans might be of interest to anybody.

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Six Chix, 5/24/06

Yeah, so this makes all kinds of no sense. I suppose it’s supposed to be a play on the metaphorical and literal meanings of the phrase “horn blowing,” but … but … but. I want to believe that this isn’t just totally insane, but I just can’t figure out how. Help. Please.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 5/24/06

Fun new phrase to try to deploy in everyday life: “Pretzel Playroom.” Fun new name to suggest to expectant parents as a substitute for “Taylor” or “Devlin”: “Arfo.”

Beetle Bailey, 5/24/06

Question: Was the dashing police officer sexually attracted to Miss Buxley … or to her sexy, sexy car? Also, note that said sexy, sexy car has some pimpin’ rims, to the extent that the universe of Beetle Bailey can accommodate the concept of “pimpin’ rims.” Also also, I know that it’s probably a goof-up among the coloring monkeys, but I’d like to think that Miss Blips’ hair is suddenly blonde because she’s desperate to find out if blondes really do have more fun. (Did you know that her name was Miss Blips? I had to look it up. Yes, it’s a reference to her tiny breasts — they’re just “blips on the radar screen” compared to Miss Buxley’s — which no doubt means that the dye job won’t help.)

In cockroach news, after a bout of judicious insecticide spraying and a thorough mopping of the cat floor area to eliminate scent trails, I awoke to a roach-free cat dish this morning. Hopefully they aren’t marshaling their forces for some sort of counterattack.

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Marvin and Six Chix, 4/18/06

Boy, here’s a cheery pair. Marvin is funny because, awwww, he’s too young to understand the concept of death! Isn’t that precious? He isn’t constantly stalked by the terrifying specter of his own mortality! How cute!

What on earth have his parents parked him in front of to distract him while they eat/read/have sex/pretend for one precious moment that their life hasn’t been ruined by a baby? Too many inspirational Lifetime movies can warp his tiny developing mind.

Also, if I were forced to wear that hideous grey union suit as a baby, I would have figured out what it meant to die … of embarrassment!

Six Chix, meanwhile, is funny because … well, I guess it’s funny because this old lady is going to die! That’s a knee-slapper, all right. Unlike Marvin, she has a grim, joyless look that says that she’s known all about death for some time, and frankly thinks it’s time to get on with the whole thing. So come on, hellish, grinning demon from the netherword, let’s get this show on the road! We can pick up Tommie’s favorite patient on the way!

Curtis, 4/18/06

If Curtis is going to insist on doing a zany, contrived storyline where Curtis accidentally signs up his dad to give blood, the thing he fears the most, then I have to say I think it’s very clever to do it this way: with the hijinks implied (“I saw it on the news!” “…and the firemen were able to get me down out of the tree!”) rather than actually trying to put everything in panels. Nevertheless, the word “happy” in panel one is smack dab between two of the most inappropriate quotation marks in comics history — and this being Curtis, that’s saying a lot. In fact, I’ve decided that when you abuse the noble quotation mark this badly, you must suffer the wrath of … Quotin’ Margo!

By the way, kids, don’t try to air-quote like this at home; Margo is especially suited for this activity because, as Uncle Lumpy pointed out when I posted the comic this came from, she’s got six fingers on each hand. Yikes!

Get Fuzzy, 4/18/06

OK, seriously Darby, I can’t go down this road with you. Just let me know when you get back from the brink, I’ll be waitin’ for ya.