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Judge Parker, 10/25/09

I know I’ve been kind of missing in action over the past several Judge Parker storylines, as they just haven’t had that classic mixture of ludicrous and emotionally detached that first drew me to this strip. But I have high hopes for the noir-ish plot brewing now. “D’Vito” is a transparent Bernie Madoff stand-in who was gunned down hours after making bail, and “Henry” is one of his victims, an apparent patsy set up for the murder — oh, and also dying of colon cancer.

Anyway, coming events promise to offer lots of opportunities my favorite Judge Parker recurring theme: that the privileged main characters can just barrel ahead and do whatever the hell they want because rules don’t apply to them. Sam, smelling a rat in this case, visited Henry in jail and essentially told him (Henry) to that he (Sam) would be serving as his (Henry’s) defense attorney, a proposition to which Henry never actually agreed pre se. Nevertheless, I’m sure that the police will allow Sam’s law partner to poke around all the potential evidence in Henry’s house. Also, in those first two panels: lying to get evidence from someone who may be a potential witness or co-conspirator? Sure, why not? All that, and soothing a troubled millionaire whose feeling are apparently tender after he assaulted a photographer are all in a day’s work for Sam Driver: Smug Dick at Law! Oh, and as panel three assures us, there will also be breasts.

Slylock Fox, 10/25/09

Is this the cruelest Slylock Fox Sunday mystery ever? One must picture Max Mouse, finally allowed to go work on a case on his own for once, carefully counting off the paces in some rural backwater, digging enormous holes with a shovel three times as long as he his tall, desperately looking for Slick Smitty’s ill-gotten gain — all while the perp himself is just standing there with his girlfriend, laughing. You have to imagine the level of anxiety he must have reached before he finally pulled out his itty-bitty cell phone to call his boss, who will of course never allow him out of the house alone again now that he’s shown his incompetence at basic ratiocination. It’s a sad, sad day for tiny prey mammals.

Dennis the Menace, 10/25/09

I have to kind of admit that I kind of like this Dennis the Menace for the glimpse it offers us into Henry and Alice’s bucolic pre-Dennis lives. I imagine them in college, both of them tall, gangly young people recruited for their skills on the volleyball court. I like the thought of a pair of mirror-image crushes from afar — Henry attending games played by the women’s team, Alice going to the men’s games, each pair of eyes settling on a player that strikes their fancy, with a long physique that looked good in those short volleyball shorts. Then, at a party thrown by members of one or the other team, the two finally work up the nerve to talk to one another, and, over a few cheap keg beers, begin to see the dim but hopeful outlines of a future together. It will be a future dominated by their awful, hated son, of course, but it would be impossible for them to know that, so let’s leave them for the moment in their youthful happiness.

On that note, I also appreciate the fact that the strip has left to our imagination exactly how Dennis has managed to turn a game of volleyball played in an apparently dry yard into some kind of mud-soaked nightmare.

Beetle Bailey, 10/25/09

In light of the many Beetle Bailey strips that depict man-on-tree sex, I find at least one form of camouflage depicted here particularly troubling.

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Jumble, 10/22/09

If you remember the first batch of WWMMD pictures, you knew that eventually I’d be put in chains at the behest of a corrupt justice system in the Jumble. You can see by my face that I’m shocked at this miscarriage of justice. How could I possibly be found guilty, when I know that I’m innocent? Does my snappy Fist O’ Justice shirt count for nothing? What monstrous jury pool would be capable of such cruelty? Faithful readers, while newspaper readers only got part of the story, I am authorized to share with you the entire courtroom scene:

I … I know I should have hired a lawyer with more courtroom experience. I’m pretty sure he was just doodling on his legal pads all through voir dire.

Blondie, 10/22/09

Here’s the thing, Blondie: If you don’t want to draw attention to your status as an ancient relic from another decade, it may be best not to build a strip around the fact that your main character usually struts about in an outfit that nobody in living memory has worn outside of the most formal situations, and you’ll particularly want avoid equipping him with another set of clothes that, despite his cheery statements to the contrary, would not make anyone in his probable 35-to-50 age range feel “young.” Nevertheless, I’m willing to give you a pass because chubby Dithers in a Nehru jacket is in fact pretty hilarious.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/22/09

So earlier this week, I noted that it would be an amusing improvement on the current RMMD storyline if Tim proved to be a sinister kidnapper. However, I’m even more pleased at the current plot direction into horrible social discomfort. Now that Peanuts is no longer being produced, there are very few places in the comics where you can see painful interpersonal awkwardness so deliciously drawn out until it makes you cringe. I look forward to the next several days’ worth of strips after this clumsy pass consisting mostly of silence — frosty in the passenger seat, humiliated on the driver’s side.

Apartment 3-G, 10/22/09

Speaking of awkwardness, this Apartment 3-G storyline is just getting better and better. Remember, the funniest Tommie storylines are the ones where she’s casually insulted!

Slylock Fox, 10/22/09

I’m assuming the parents in these Six Differences panels have commissioned some kind of report from their children on the pros and cons of various domestic pets. Despite their big smiles, I can’t imagine they’re all that pleased to see that the kids are just drawing on big pieces of paper. What is this, the ’80s? If you really want to make an impression, you want to set up a PowerPoint presentation, with animal clip art and ungrammatical bullet points about why dogs and/or cats are awesome. How do you kids expect to succeed as white-collar drones? Sorry, you’re getting a turtle.

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Slylock Fox, 10/19/09

One of the things I like about Slylock Fox is the wealth of odd details that make it easy and fun to build the sort of counternarratives that are more or less my stock in trade. For instance, this may seem like just another bit of campground petty theft, but think about it for a minute: why, exactly, is this multi-species collection of critters out in the middle of the blasted wilderness with all their money, staying in a series of makeshift tents, not dressed properly for the weather? My guess: they were called out to this desolate spot by charismatic cult leader Reeky Rat, who promised that they would be taken up to the Great Sky City by the emissary of the Heavenly Aeon in a crystal Cloud-Ship, for which they would have to buy a ticket. If Reeky’s nephew Rodney had merely claimed to be collecting fares for the Sky-Journey, Slylock’s fancy ratiocination would be useless, as his mundane logic can tell you nothing about such higher matters.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/19/09

Hey, remember like a kajillion years ago when there was this Rex Morgan storyline where Pete the Chauffeur was supposed to be good, and then he turned out to be bad, because, I don’t know, it moved the plot along? Well, I’m sort of hoping that’s what’s about to happen here, because lord knows this is a plot that I very much want moved along. Tim’s line in the second panel is probably supposed to be a clumsy pass of the “If you were my wife, I’d love you so much that I’d hire ninjas to follow you everywhere! You’d never have a moment out of my control!” variety, but it would be more exciting if it were leading into “Pete ought to keep better track of you … because now he’ll have to pay a hefty ransom if he ever wants to see you alive again! MOO HA HA HA!”

Barring that, maybe it will be the first thing and Becka and Tim will just fall into an adulterous affair and forget all about his demented mother, who will settle into a wacky sitcom-style lifestyle with the golf pro and the punk rocker. “Hey, old man, I know you’re senile, but could you at least remember to light a match after you stink up the bathroom? This trailer isn’t that big!” “Are you ready for your golf lesson?” “I’m hungry! When are you going to feed us?” [CANNED LAUGHTER]

Lockhorns, 10/19/09

Some of the most unsettling Lockhorns installments are those where the title couple’s trademarked ennui-deadened hate is turned outward, rather than at each other. What, exactly, are Leroy and Loretta doing here? Clicking from link to link, noting the lies and falsehoods, both wearing a heavy-lidded expression that shows that they expected no better from this fallen world? That sad thing is that this may be the most romantic Lockhorns ever, if we accept “sharing an activity” as falling loosely into the “romance” category.

Marvin, 10/19/09

Ha ha, Marvin, wait until you find out that Ms. Landers will no longer be permitting you to spend the day sitting in your own putrefying feces! “What, we can’t shit in our pants anymore? Does she think this is Buckingham Palace or something?”