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Family Circus, 7/19/09

You might have noticed the title of the book Big Daddy Keane is reading to his little ankle-biters, Rat and Pig Get Lost, which is an installment in a good-natured back and forth between the Family Circus and Pearls Before Swine. More intriguing, though, is what this cartoon reveals about the Keane Kids: not only are they illiterate, but they can’t even sit still to be read aloud to, and rather will wander in the direction of the hypnotic, glowing picture box, the better to move their brains past their current gelatinous state and straight on into liquidity.

Mary Worth, 7/19/09

While this installment might seem to be taking place immediately on the heels of yesterday’s, with Mary tidying up and thought-ballooning like mad and Delilah wandering aimlessly around the grounds, note that both ladies have changed into completely different (though still hideous) outfits, so this could be days or months later. But apparently enough time has passed that Delilah is finally ready to make a call … to her dealer, if her freakishly enlarged pupils are any indication.

Slylock Fox, 7/19/09

The main mystery panel in today’s strip is fairly bland — another fox-mouse double date leading up to some drunken partner-swapping that the radical differences in size will make incredibly awkward — but I’m pretty intrigued by the scene over in Six Differences. Are the woodland herbivores engaging in some kind of Druid ritual to call down a lightning strike against their predator-enemy, the terrible wolf? I hope the pagan magic will keep the beavers safe, as I’m not sure the open water is the best place to be in a thunderstorm.

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Ziggy, 7/13/09

There’s plenty to love about today’s Ziggy — the terrifying demon-clown that’s popped out of the suggestion box, for instance, or the fact that Ziggy appears to be suffering a massive coronary upon seeing it, or the nameless bureaucrat watching it all with pinched, sadistic glee. (I was about to refer to this individual as “Ziggy’s boss,” since I initially thought that this was some sort of office scene, but I don’t think that can be right; Ziggy has never really been depicted as holding down any sort of job, which makes sense, as he appears to be pretty much unemployable.)

One thing I don’t like about this panel, though, is that we’re confronted with the bottom of Ziggy’s feet. Now, obviously the less time spent thinking about what goes on below Ziggy’s waist the better, but I think we’re all pretty much in agreement on the fact that he regularly goes about pantsless and, apparently, shoeless. The absence of discernible toes puts something of a dent in that theory, but one could always write that off due to the low level of detail in the strip; but the shading work on the soles of Ziggy’s feet today force us to contemplate what exactly the hell it is we’re looking at. My best guess is that what we call “feet” are actually enormous, uncloven hooves, making Ziggy some kind of bipedal semi-centaur. Ha ha, and you thought that Ziggy’s biology couldn’t get any more disturbing than your existing conception of it! On the bright side, though, the feet/hooves are large enough that we don’t get a good view up Ziggy’s smock, which is a blessing.

Family Circus, 7/13/09

The best little part of this cartoon is the sly little smile on Dolly’s face. “Wow, Billy, before this moment I always thought that male supremacy was an immutable fact of nature; but now I know that it has to be reinforced daily with displays of authority great and small. This knowledge will come in handy in my quest to smash the patriarchy!”

Slylock Fox, 7/13/09

“Laughing potion” is a powerful toxin that gets its name for its effects on the victim’s musculature. First the muscles of the face involuntarily contract, spreading the mouth into a ghastly parody of a grin; then the diaphragm spasms uncontrollably, causing a series of short, laugh-like bursts of air before total paralysis and suffocation set in. Slylock will determine which glass contains the potion by giving Max a sip from each one until he drops dead.

Pluggers, 7/13/09

It takes all the wiles of the pharmaceutical industry just to keep pluggers alive.

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Judge Parker, 6/24/09

I know, I know: Judge Parker has been absolutely bonkers for the last month and I’ve been AWOL on it. To be honest, I’ve had a hard time coming to grips with just how I’m supposed to feel about the wacky tale of Sophie’s cheerleading coup, and the constellation of forces that are coming together to bring that about. I’ve been suspicious of her move to seize the cheerleading captaincy from the start, not least because of my experiences as a high school nerd and outcast. Because, when I was taunted and humiliated by socially elite members of the football team, I never dreamed of winning the quarterback’s position as a result of some complex calculus involving my heretofore undiscovered skills and my antagonists’ poor grades; I just wanted the football team to die, in a fire.

So anyway, I’ve been kind of hoping that Sophie would pull off some absurdist stunt at cheerleading tryouts that would completely undermine the legitimacy of cheerleading as an institution in the minds of her high school classmates. But instead now we are confronted with Sophie’s Long Study Hall Of Despair, when we learn that she really has wanted to cast off her lilac pantsuit all along and seize the mantle of Queen Bee of Whatever High. More to the point, she’ll presumably buck up after this little pep talk and manage to leap and twirl her way to improbable victory, with the support of her incredibly wealthy parents, two celebrities who are on her side because they want to purchase a horse from said wealthy parents for millions of dollars, and the school administration, proving that those nasty cheerleading moms are entirely correct in all their accusations.

Slylock Fox, 6/24/09

I’ve always assumed, based on the gross incompetence of most of his schemes, that Count Weirdly graduated dead last in his class at Mad Science Academy, and yet here he is at the controls of what appears to be a fully functional combination time machine/hover-bubble. Of course, I’d have a human factors engineer look at that control panel before he starts mass-manufacturing these for production — hope you enjoy your visits to the years 2, 9, 3, 27, 10, 6, 41, and 29, kids!

More troubling, though, is the sight of the Count and Slylock and Max laughing it up together as they voyage through time to snicker at a doomed race. Could their long-standing and constant animosity be a front for some deeper scheme or grift? Or did Weirdly first make a solo voyage to the past in order to change history and create a new timeline in which he and the detective team were best buds? It would be rather poignant if all he ever wanted in all his scheming was real friends.

The Lockhorns and Dilbert, 6/24/09

I couldn’t really tell you what these comics are supposed to mean, because Dilbert is using words I don’t understand and the Lockhorns is using phrases that I’m pretty sure the writer doesn’t understand, but I’m worried at the underlying implication, which is that the U.S. government, alarmed at declining tax revenues during the recession, is looking to audit high-earners and is targeting cartoonists. Faulty intelligence again, I’m afraid.

Beetle Bailey, 6/24/09

“Also, he shat himself, but I think that’s just because he was drunk.”