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Mary Worth, 10/9/22

Oh, God, remember when Tommy proposed to his girlfriend with an onion ring but she rejected him and then thought he had lapsed back into his druggie ways (he hadn’t) so she dumped him and then he sent an extremely ill-advised email but she took him back anyway because he got a part-time job as a hall monitor in a high school? Well, now his mother is the one doing the rejecting! Ha ha, those Beedles, they just can’t figure this marriage thing out. Anyway, I can’t really remember if Tommy and Zak have ever interacted, but I can see some real emotionally fraught bonding coming up! Hopefully they’ll invite Iris’s ex, Wilbur, a guy who knows a thing or two about having his marriage proposals rejected. “You ever think about faking your own death, Zak?” he’ll slur after several drinks too many. “Chicks love that shit, trust me.”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 10/9/22

I’ve always assumed that Count Weirdly is a more or less ordinary human whose green skin is the result of some sort of genetic mutation that occurred around the time the animals took over, but now that we’ve learn that his father, who was alive during hippie times, also had green skin, and also there were four of him, I have a lot more questions on the subject.

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Slylock Fox, 10/5/22

I’m very tickled by the fact that a mystery comic strip for kids (it’s right there in the title! Slylock Fox and Comics for Kids! surely many kids are reading the daily paper for its furry-based mystery content, right?) would have a question that includes the word “monogamous” in it. I feel like this is going to lead to a certain amount of vocabulary questioning that in most cases will go fine but might give rise to a few children awkwardly learning that their parents are swingers. Anyway, you know who isn’t monogamous? This octopus! Look at her gathering up all these engagement rings, as she plans to propose to each and every member of her polycule.

The Phantom, 10/5/22

Look, I understand that as this nation’s foremost comics blogger I carry a host of obligations to you, my readers, and one of those is letting you know when the flaming skeleton appears in The Phantom. Well, there he is! I’m under no obligation to explain to you what the hell is going on, so just enjoy the out of context skeleton, slowly skeleton-walking his way to through the jungle, presumably to interact with one of the other characters, eventually.

Pluggers, 10/5/22

Wow, that freezer sure is packed full with identical boxes! I guess it doesn’t take much to make a plugger happy, but it sure takes a lot of it.

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Mary Worth, 10/3/22

Ahh, after a little stalling, it’s a new Mary Worth plot, and it looks like we’re finally going to see the magic that makes the unstoppable Iris-Zak love story work. So far we have “Iris hangs on Zak’s every word and lavishes him with attention to try to make him happy” and “Zak has whole conversation with Iris that he just forgets, probably because it’s more efficient to use that brain space for coming up with new apps.” Sounds promising!

Dennis the Menace, 10/3/22

Dennis’s blank, uncomprehending look, combined with Alice’s sly smile, has completely upended the meaning of Dennis the Menace for me: it’s actually a Munchausen syndrome by proxy situation, but for menacing. Who do you think is carefully feeding Dennis all those rude things he “accidentally” blurts out in front of the party guests? Truly chilling stuff.

Dick Tracy, 10/3/22

This lady at the bar is all of us. She just wants to see something unbelievable, or at least interesting, but instead she gets caught up in an internecine feud between mutant criminal lowlife types. This is why more and more people are abandoning the bar scene for dating apps!

Slylock Fox, 10/3/22

We’ve seen this mystery before, but the text has gotten a substantial upgrade: instead of pretending to eat boring old beef broth, Count Weirdly is eating a piping hot bowl of cream of mushroom soup, which I think we can all agree is much funnier. I’m tempted to go commit some crimes just so I can say to the cops “But officers! I couldn’t possibly have done any of that, because I’ve been here all this time, eating this bowl of delicious cream of mushroom soup!” I would probably end up spending years in prison, but it would be worth it.

Gil Thorp, 10/3/22

Wait, I’m sorry, Coach Kaz’s dojo is a penthouse apartment? We always knew that high school sports were the backbone of Milford’s self-image, but I don’t think we quite understood how well even the assistant coaches were paid. Anyway, Keri, watch out for that bowl of green stuff, it’s mostly pork.