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Slylock Fox, 8/4/25

You might remember a few years back when supposed genius entrepreneur Elizabeth Holmes started a company called Theranos that could run multiple medical tests from a very small amount of blood, something that was of great interest to me as a needlephobe and apparently to lots of other people too, because the company raised billions of dollars and had multiple former Secretaries of State on its board of directors, but then it turned out that the technology never worked and the product was never shipped and it was all an enormous scam. At a certain point Theranos stalled for time by announcing a big partnership with Walgreens and sending them these machines that were big boxes that performed “blood analysis” if you stuck in a vial with a normal-sized blood sample, and eventually someone opened it up and discovered it was just running the exact same tests a regular lab would run, with off-the-shelf equipment kind of all jammed in there together. What I’m trying to say is that Count Weirdly isn’t selling fake honey; he’s selling real honey out of a “machine” that’s full of enslaved bees. It’s an easy mistake to make for a fox who wasn’t sapient during the final, fraud-heavy chapter of human civilization.

Judge Parker, 8/4/25

Oh, by the way, April’s Norwegian spy encounter ended in violence and possible kidnapping, but I didn’t really cover it here because, what, do you log in to this website for terrifying thrills? No, you want to be soothed, and so here, here’s a strip from the “cool down” phase of this plot, in which a character who was not present for the incident but who heard about it from someone who was relays the information she’s gleaned secondhand to a third party.

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Slylock Fox, 7/24/25

I gotta say, it’s probably pretty annoying to have to write Slylock Fox at this point, because doing cute little animal mysteries attracts lots of “um, ACTUALLY”s of both the “um, ACTUALLY, the pedantic fact you used as the solution for this mystery is more nuanced than you’re implying” and “um, ACTUALLY, the animal you’re using as a character in this mystery doesn’t work like that” variety. Thus you get puzzles like today, where you’re preemptively anticipating this kind of feedback in the solution. “[heavy sigh] Besides telling us that the gloves were not worn by a snake [closing eyes, briefly resting thumb and forefinger on either side of bridge of nose] or other handless animal…” Honestly someone is probably penning a furious email about “um, ACTUALLY, some invertebrates aren’t bilaterally symmetrical and could have two right hands and maybe they also became sapient along with all the other animals? can you prove they didn’t???” as we speak.

Pluggers, 7/24/25

Feels like this one is based on seeing a “Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee!” mug and trying to work backwards from there to someone cheerfully claiming to be a criminal right up until the moment that first sip passes their lips, when in fact the appropriate cartoon would be a bleary-eyed plugger saying just the most casually cruel thing you’ve ever heard to his wife for no reason.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/24/25

Well it looks like I got my wish on this situation allowing us to delve into Truck’s psyche, because he’s really doubling down on “Please, living genetic evidence of the fact that I got cheated on, please let me pretend to be your dad!” Meanwhile, his not-son is just increasingly upset and unresponsive. “How can I feel anything for someone with whom I don’t share any genetic material?” he’s thinking. “This man has nothing to tell me about my phenotype! What’s the point?”

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Rhymes With Orange, 7/11/25

No, see, GoFundMe is the website you use for crowdfunding when you have an unexpected and dire financial emergency of some sort, as is the case here. Kickstarter is the website you use when you’re crowdfunding and you plan to produce something with the money you collect. Since this woman has already eaten and/or drunk whatever was in the minibar, the only possibilities are pretty dire.

Slylock Fox, 7/11/25

Wow, Max Mouse is really excited to finally be the subject of the “How To Draw” feature, huh? “Draw me, children!” he seems to be saying. “Draw me! Make thousands, nay, millions of Max Mouses, one for every home in the land! A Max army! Each Max may be small, but our numbers will overwhelm our enemies!”

Dick Tracy, 7/11/25

God damn it, Dick, that should be “If they got through the time portal, who knows when they ended up.” This is why we don’t give you more time travel stories!