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“Hello kids, and welcome back to World of Animals — I’m your beloved host, Carl. Lotta changes in my neck of the woods, but some things never change — like entertaining Nature Facts from the wonderful World of Animals!”

Mark Trail, 9/13/20

“Rusty, can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to be ambushed by a fucking plant? Or do I have to make you sit through Day of the Triffids again?”

Prince Valiant, 9/13/20

“‘Slept’, yeah, you bet — like these mammals don’t mate through the year and around the clock! But check out that vignette of Sea Beast there — one of the OG reptile heroes, cruelly tricked into a watery grave. Live on in our hearts, Sea Beast!”

Sherman’s Lagoon, 9/13/20

“Here’s a fashion tip, Megan: just slip into a tasteful shell and you’ll always be both totalement à la mode and protected from hail.”

Slylock Fox (panel), 9/13/20

“Animal-on-animal injustice is the worst. Sure, Harry’s made some mistakes, but can’t you see he’s gone straight — even bought himself a sweet hybrid car that he drives in electric mode whenever he can. Save a little gas, try to do right by Mother Earth, and get pulled over by some vulpine fascist for driving while hairy. ‘What does the fox say,’ you say? He say, ‘Pull over, I’m — THE MAN!'”

— Turtle Carl, for Uncle Lumpy, who say “Thanks for a fun time, everybody — Josh will be back tomorrow!”

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/30/20

Slylock seems pretty confident that Count Weirdly is lying about being anointed King of Earth by a powerful alien civilization, based on a firm belief that, as described by special relativity, the speed of light is in fact the upper limit at which information can travel. Of course, Count Weirdly has a working time machine, which you’d think would prove that ordinary physical laws don’t apply to him. You’d also think his powers to bend time itself would help him establish his rule over our planet without needing alien intervention on his behalf, but that’s a debate for another time.

Gasoline Alley, 8/30/20

Gasoline Alley is, along with The Simpsons, the last media franchise on Earth still trying to squeeze laughs out of Frank Nelson’s character from The Jack Benny Show. This Nelson-ish fellow has been annoying the Gasoline Alley crew intermittently over the years, and today has proven that even death can’t stop his antics. Still, we shouldn’t let the appearance of this beloved (?) figure distract us from the true horror here, which is that Walt, who was almost finally freed from his cursed, interminable earthly existence and was ready to receive his reward from his Creator, is being dragged back down to the plane of the living on the orders of a cruel family that simply will not let him die.

Shoe, 8/30/20

In the Shoe world of sapient birds, there is no pan-avian solidarity. Different bird species still see themselves in competition, and boast that they would certainly never be dismembered and eaten at human-run fast food restaurants! The fact that whole international businesses exist to murder and cook intelligent creatures isn’t the problem, the problem is actually that some of those creatures are too inherently dumb to avoid getting captured and processed into lunch. Pretty grim, if you ask me!

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 7/12/20

Slylock isn’t panicking because he knows that, due to the square-cube law, you can’t simply make an animal bigger but keep its proportions and functions otherwise the same: its mass increases more quickly than its surface area, and the physics that allow its anatomy to work would simply fail in a much larger version of the creature. This poor monstrosity is no doubt dying in agony right now, its internal organs collapsing under their own weight! (If you’re wondering how Slylock being a human-sized fox fits in with all this, the answer is he’s actually normal fox sized and anything you see to the contrary is just Lord of the Rings-style forced perspective trickery.)

Dustin, 7/12/20

Dustin: come for the pointless intergenerational warfare, stay for an extremely unpleasant new euphemism for genitals!

Hagar the Horrible, 7/12/20

Another victory of the working class over the bosses who would divide them! War is a racket, kids!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/20

The greatest love story every written keeps getting more romantic, everybody