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Blondie, 8/28/17

I genuinely enjoyed today’s Blondie because it does a little switcheroo by playing on a couple different things we know about Dagwood. Like, we know Dagwood is bad at his job. Really bad! I feel like we don’t dwell on this enough. I know Mr. Dithers is supposed to be an impossible-to-please tyrant, but everything we see about Dagwood’s work life — the napping at his desk, the way he’s always surfing food porn during business hours, the offhand references to all the presentations he screws up — points to him being genuinely incompetent. Which is kind of interesting, considering he’s the protagonist of the strip! Anyway, it’s in character, and actually funny, to get two panels of mounting panic email because he completely failed to wrap up everything he was supposed to take care of before he left on vacation.

But then, in panel three, we abruptly shift gears, and realize those emails are about something else we know about Dagwood: that he is a limitless appetite, a nightmarish spatial anomaly who can take any amount of foodstuff down his infinite gullet. Just imagine Lou at the diner, the sloshing sea of subpar chili reaching his chin. “Who usually ate all this,” he asks, baffled. “Where is it coming from? Where does it usually go?” He can hardly breathe from the smell. “Where’s Dagwood? Why didn’t Dagwood tell us he was leaving? Why didn’t we make plans?”

Mary Worth, 8/28/17

“Poor Dawn! She’ll be devastated! This will work out great for me, a guy who definitely wants to sleep with her but doesn’t have much to offer beyond being ‘nicer’ than an actual adulterer!”

Slylock Fox, 8/28/17

Having eliminated all crime in the new animal-ruled world, Slylock is keeping himself entertained by just pointing out when his least favorite animals do things incorrectly.

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Spider-Man, 8/6/17

Tyrannus is an ageless immortal deposed Roman emperor born in the 5th century A.D., but I’m not sure what aesthetic he and Kala are going for here. Especially Kala, honestly. Tyrannus looks like he’s doing something barely a step above “generic off-brand superhero costume from Party City,” which is fine, but Kala is … a giant bee? A fake “Latin” nightclub act from the 1930s, performed by a white lady from the midwest? A fake “Latin” nightclub act from the 1930s, performed by a white lady from the midwest, and the nightclub act is bee-themed? At any rate, I fully endorse Newspaper Spider-Man continuing its trend of spending all its energy on the domestic lives of its super-powered characters.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/6/17

In their native riparian habitat, the Beavers are master architects, building secure lodges to live in and elaborate water-control structures to create an environment that suits them. But post-animalpocalypse, the new ruling class has dictated that all newly sapient beasts must move to the human cities and imitate their near-extinct predecessors’ lifestyle. Completely out of their element, the Beavers are reduced to smearing layers of hideous green paint uniformly over the walls of their newly assigned apartment. You can tell from the expressions on their faces how unhappy they are.

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Slylock Fox, 7/31/17

This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with this particular brainteaser, but in the ensuing decade my patience for its many improbabilities has significantly thinned. Back then I was more worried about Slylock having to rassle an octopus to get those car tires; today, I’m just here to LOUDLY SCOFF at the thought that there’s five minutes worth of air in those tires, or that Sly is going to be able to rig up some system for releasing said air into Max’s diving bell. The best move here is for him to tell Max that he’ll be back “in just a little bit” with help, safe in the knowledge that slow suffocation is no doubt among the less painful ways to die. It’ll just be like falling asleep, probably! And there are plenty more mice down at the pet store and mouse-sized shorts-and-hat sets down at the post-animalpocalypse version of the Gap.

Mark Trail, 7/31/17

“I need to do a little check on my gear before I head out!” [pulls out loaded shotgun in small, enclosed space and puts finger on the trigger] “Yep, I sure feel like a big man doing this, so it’s probably working! Better do a few more tests first, though.” [spins around wildly, making sure to point barrel in the face of everyone in the cabin]

Spider-Man, 7/31/17

BREAKING: AREA MAN BELIEVES FEMALE RELATIVE HAS RIGHT TO SEXUAL AUTONOMY AND DESERVES ALL THE DATA SHE NEEDS TO MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS ABOUT HER ROMANTIC LIFE, PROBABLY THINKS THIS MAKES HIM SOME KIND OF BIG HERO