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Mary Worth, 2/9/16

“Well, the surface of the ice represents our ability to move quickly or slowly, according to our needs and our abilities. The boundaries of the rink represent the restrictions placed on our behavior imposed by society or the nature of the universe, restrictions we need to respect and learn to live with. And the razor-sharp ice skates that swish and slice so quickly, that carry us to and fro with ease but can also, in the briefest of seconds, slice us open and end our lives in a terrifying moment of screaming and blood, so much blood — well, they represent the danger that is omnipresent, the danger that makes life so precious. Join me, Olive! Join me in this world of lightning-fast skating and sudden, violent death!”

Slylock Fox, 2/9/16

In panel one, this nice lady is going to use the scissors to cut this poor man’s shirt so that this vicious dog will finally let go of him. In panel, she’s going to use them to stab him to death.

Hagar the Horrible, 2/9/16

Ha ha, it’s funny because they’re about to be horribly killed and Eddie’s real broken up about it!

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Archie, 2/4/16

Usually Archie and Mr. Lodge are in engaged in a constant struggle for dominance, with the plutocrat heaping withering contempt on the hapless teen at all times while Archie gamely attempts to maintain a relationship with his daughter and keep his head down. Today is an extremely rare instance of Mr. Lodge actually attempting to empathize with Archie, which he does by … attempting to commiserate about his daughters flaws! Ha ha, women, am I right? Always shopping, especially if you have unlimited cash at your disposal and live in a vast mansion! Oh, mercy.

Slylock Fox, 2/4/16

In the first panel, the man is frowning because he’s finally realized that his cat hoarding is a symptom of his terrible obsessive-compulsive disorder, and he desperately needs help in order to put his life back on track and get those pets into homes where they can be well cared for. In the second panel, the man looks shocked because the cat is starting to pee on his head.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/24/16

I can’t stop laughing at “I’m an English governess and I know how babies are made.” “They’re made by s-e-x, June! P in V! Only English governesses are privy to this knowledge, while the rest of you lot believe your myths about the stork or the cabbage patch or what have you!” Or maybe this relates to June’s implication in the final panel; as an English governess, Heather knows that aristocratic British men can sire bastard children with their servants, but the wives of the wealthy can never do the same, no matter how badly they want to. What June is telling her is that it’s a new world now. Why, even British princesses have equal rights to inherit the throne as their brothers. Go for it, Heather. Jordan is waiting for you.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/24/16

I assumed that the newspaper clue was not the crossword barely visible at bottom right, but the paper sitting out on the chair at left, which Max had created with a laptop and some desktop publishing software that was also locked in the closet with him. Surely — surely! — Max’s disappearance would not be front page news. Definitely not banner headline front news. Definitely not cleverly composed photo front page news. Inside pages of local section, at best.