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Heathcliff, 6/24/13

It appears that Heathcliff has entered its Large Labels In Block Lettering phase, to the delight/confusion of comics fans everywhere. The first entry in the genre, in which Heathcliff pledged allegiance to cake, was at least straightforward: Heathcliff really liked cake, you see, and wanted to let people know, in flag form. Today we move further into avante-garde territory. Heathcliff, who is not in a context where he might be expected to play football, is wearing a football helmet, which has “HAM” written across the front of it in very large visible type. Is this meant to indicate, in a somewhat on-the-nose fashion, that he is on “Team Ham,” in terms of the eternal rivalry for esteem among the various meat products? If so, why does our flesh merchant advise his customer against purchasing ham? Is he irritated by Heathcliff’s endless ham cheerleading, and is being contrary out of spite? Or is Heathcliff wearing a helmet not just symbolically, but because he intends to instigate real violence, of the sort that might result in a head injury, to anyone who attempts to take any of the precious, precious ham out of the butcher’s shop?

Spider-Man, 6/24/13

Oops, sorry everybody, Spider-Man’s exciting rescue mission to Central America is on hold! Don’t worry, even more spine-chilling thrills are on the way: Spider-Man waits on hold with his credit card company for 45 minutes, Spider-Man has a petulant argument with the hotel management about their security procedures, Spider-Man stands in line to get a rush replacement for his passport and has to make awkward small talk with the guy next to him who’s hinting with increasing lack of subtlety that his upcoming trip to Thailand is for sex tourism, etc.

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Spider-Man, 6/20/13

Hooray, it’s a new super-person for Spider-Man to fight and/or team up with … the Tarantula! One of the joys of only interacting with Spider-Man in his newspaper comic incarnation is that I have zero background on beloved characters from the comics, so I can accept each new moronic villain on whatever inane terms the strip choses to present him or her. Even in four sentences of exposition here it seems like dashing revolutionary Newspaper Comic Tarantula is nothing like any of the versions of Comic Book Tarantula, who are all employed by death squads working for their nation’s despotic government. So hopefully fanboys everywhere are gnashing their teeth at this change, since fanboy-teeth-gnashing is like the most exquisite music to me.

Anyway, “Far as we know from TV and the Internet, the revolution’s going great!” is the most 21st century American thing I’ve ever heard, and it’s also the most Newspaper Spider-Man I’ve ever heard, which means I guess Newspaper Spider-Man is the hero we deserve. How’s your revolution going? I heard it was going great! I think I read about it on Twitter or something.

Edge City, 6/20/13

Hey, let’s check in with obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin! Today, she’s obsessing neurotically that someone might find out that the cool dress she bought came from a consignment shop. Is this really a thing that anyone does? In my experience — and I’m a guy who buys clothes at thrift/vintage/consignment shops a lot — people who buy clothes at consignment shops generally cannot shut up about it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/20/13

Does it look lik Sarah’s lucky day? It doesn’t look like Sarah’s feeling very lucky at all. It looks like Sarah just achieved a dream with virtually no effort on her part, again, just had something handed to her by adults who were obsequious towards her supposed budding talent for no reason, and yet can’t feel anything, not triumph or joy or anything else. Why is everything so easy? What’s out there that can truly challenge me? Is this numbness what death feels like?

Herb and Jamaal, 6/20/13

Hey, remember that Herb and Jamaal from years ago where Herb and Jamaal were pretty obviously having sex? Well, the first couple panels have changed, but they’re at it again, if by “it” you mean “having sex with each other without talking about it,” which is pretty clearly what they’re doing.

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Spider-Man, 6/18/13

True story: Once, when I was living in California, I got the time zone math backwards and called my dad and stepmother at 11 p.m. my time, thinking that it was 8 p.m. on the East Coast when of course it was 2 a.m., and naturally they were less than thrilled about this. I should add that this was after nearly four years of living on the West Coast, so it’s not like I had any kind of excuse. Anyway, what I’m saying is that MJ has been sitting by the phone with no doubt increasing amounts of irritation waiting for Peter call while he’s been screwing around on the beach or whatever, and maybe he shouldn’t sound quite so insufferably smug in panel two? I mean, MJ still probably wouldn’t want him to come back, seeing as she’s already changed the locks on the apartment and had his name taken off their bank accounts, but still, it’s poor form.

Crock, 6/18/13

I love that “HMO” is bolded in the last panel, just so we don’t miss the point. “Ha, this HMO is crueler than I am, and my notorious cruelty is central joke of the strip! HMO! Eh? Social commentary? Right?”

Beetle Bailey, 6/18/13

Specialist Chip Gizmo, the adorably nerdy character introduced to Beetle Bailey in 2002 to bring some techno-savvy to the strip, has built himself a sex robot with metal breasts and sharp, claw-like hands! If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of the day screaming now.