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Spider-Man, 3/21/11

I know this is a superhero comic, where heroes and villains typically engage in expository banter in mid-battle, and science is routinely ignored when not actively being laughed at. Still, everything about Morbius’s little soliloquy irritates me. I mean, the guy went through some quasi-scientific metamorphosis that made him an actual vampire (a “living vampire,” he calls himself, which, I can’t even deal with that right now) and apparently lightened his bones, but … he can’t fly? I mean, why stop short of flight? Too unrealistic? Or, worse, do the writers think they’re being somehow more accurate to bat anatomy and locomotion? Because, you know, bats really are the only mammals that actually fly. Morbius didn’t get his powers from experiments with flying squirrels, did he? I don’t know why I expect any such attention to detail from a strip that routinely describes spiders as insects, but it still galls me.

Hi and Lois, 3/21/11

Well, Trixie, it’s because your dad’s bowling has less to do with “bowling” and more with “not spending time with his family, because you’re all unbearable.” I’d make some joke about how Hi is having a secret affair, but it’s more likely he just goes to a bar and drinks in blessed silence for most of the evening.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/21/11

Man, that bird looks awfully pleased with itself. “Yeah, I totally crapped on that hillbilly lady’s head! I’m pretty cool.”

Ziggy, 3/21/11

Ziggy’s undereye bags really sell the joke here. Ha ha, Ziggy finds his poverty to be exhausting and emotionally taxing! That’s the joke, right?

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Don’t be shocked when I reveal that it’s the last day of the Comics Curmudgeon Spring Fundraiser — hurry!

Everybody waits until Friday for the Big Reveal — check it out:

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/11/11

Panel-three Dex is just flabbergasted: “What? Engage a professional to help us minimize risk and tax exposure as we transfer and apportion a large sum of money? I – I never imagined you would try to pull something like this on your own brother, Berna! YOU MONSTER!”

Funky Winkerbean, 3/11/11

So the Pro-Crastinator‘s superpower is — making excuses? I don’t care, he’s still tougher than Spider-Man. Also: prepare yourself for the shocking revelation that Mope’s “new DC Comics supervillain” has something to do with earthquakes (and nothing at all to do with this guy or these guys).

Spider-Man, 3/11/11

Nobody — just nobody — could have seen this coming: it seems the ex-vampire is a current vampire, even though he said he wasn’t! Why, it’s as though criminals somehow can’t be trusted! With all the TV Parker watches, has he never seen an episode of Law and Order? Hey, that’s gotta be some kind of superpower right there!

I can’t shake the impression that the vampire’s name is really Möbius and we’ve gone ’round this strip before.

Mark Trail, 3/11/11

Oh look, the minion is named Juan and the boss is named Otto: it’s an international drug ring! Expect covert meetings with Sven and Ching, and lots of hilarious Teutonic drug and pimp lingo: “Süßen witwe Mutter-Hosen — kommst du hier mit mein knackenpfeife schnell, oder Ich zeige Ihnen mein Zuhälter Hand!” [Tr.]

Rex Morgan, M.D. and Mark Trail, 3/11/11 (panels, retouched)

OK, it’s official — actual people are no longer allowed to say “that’s not going to happen.”

Mein Zuhälter Hand!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mark Trail, 3/5/11

Like classic James Bond films, each recent Mark Trail episode one-ups its predecessor with a more exotic location, nastier villain, and hotter babe. Lost Forest, deer-kickin’ Frank Johnson, and Cherry gave way to glamorous Sea Breeze Fishing Camp, stylishly sinister Ben Smith, and sultry Kelly Welly, only to be topped by the azure vistas of Balmy Palmy Isle, our mysterious — yet somehow fabulous — paranoid druglord, and Ms. Hotsie Highwaist here.

Where will it end, this relentless upward spiral of scenery, villainy, and babery? I suspect on the Moon, with Mark savagely beating Kim Jong-Il while remaining strangely indifferent to the charms of Olivia Wilde or somebody. Because Mark can best any villain anywhere, but he shrinks from female contact, as shown in panel two.

Mary Worth, 3/5/11

Driven mad by the Internet, Dawn Weston seeks comfort from her only true friend — that pregnant lady from her Dad’s eating-disorders support group who moved to Charterstone after her retirement and divorce last October. Aaack!

Marmaduke, 3/5/11

From the look of the leftovers, Marmaduke has eaten several sports teams, Mary Poppins, a NASCAR pit crew, neighbor Snyder, and the cop sent to investigate.

Spider-Man, 3/5/11

Yes, vampirism — the only possible explanation! Because seriously — it’s 4:45, and why else would Peter miss The View?

See how quickly Mary Jane rejects the obvious “My husband is a worthless layabout!” in favor of the dramatic “My husband has been overcome by the forces of darkness!” Acting has really honed her denial skills.

Hi! I’m sitting in this week while Josh is on vacation. If you have any site or comment trouble, contact me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net. Email sent to bio@jfruh.com will still get to Josh, but he won’t read it, because, you know, vacation.

— Uncle Lumpy