Mark Trail, 10/5/06
Molly is a coward who would rather humiliate herself than fight.
Marmaduke, 10/5/06
Marmaduke is a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.
Pluggers, 10/5/06
Pluggers have senile dementia.
Spider-Man, 10/5/06
Hitler is a big fan of Nicole Kidman.
One Big Happy, 10/5/06
Aldo Kelrast really was the ghost of Captain Kangaroo.
For Better Or For Worse, 9/16/06
You know, usually, when a woman pours her heart out to her big brother about her relationship worries, the appropriate response is to say something vague but reassuring, not, “Well, you know what they say: infidelity in this situation is essentially inevitable!” The final panel of the typical FBOFW includes some sort of play on words, but since Michael gets that out of the way with his devastating commentary, instead, our parting shot here is Lizardbreath looking at him with barely contained rage as he wanders smugly off. Michael Patterson: worst comics brother since Momma’s Francis.
Incidentally, what the hell is Liz wearing? Is she making up for her frumpy work clothes by changing into some kind of leopard-print leotard as soon as she gets home? And I like the way Deanna and Robin sort of aimlessly wander through the strip, just as a reminder that “hey, we still exist! And little Robin hasn’t succumbed to his mysterious illness! Yet! Stay tuned!”
For more excellent foobish hate, check out faithful reader yellojkt’s latest blog post, “The End Of The Foobiverse.
Spider-Man, 9/16/06
Hey, what the hell is this? Some kind of … evil individual … intent of committing crimes … a villain, one might say … except he has powers and abilities beyond those of ordinary humans … super powers, one might say … and he’s intent on fighting Spider-Man? This sort of storyline has no place in this feature! Isn’t there some drama to be wrung from, say, the mutual funds in the Parkers’ 401k plan not performing as well as they’d like?
I like the fact that one of Dr. Octopus’ wayward tentacles is holding what appears to be a cool, refreshing beverage of some kind. Hey, his powers aren’t used for evil all the time, OK?
Apartment 3-G, 9/16/06
You had your chance and you blew it, Ted. Your third-panel leer is both too late and counterproductive.
Funky Winkerbean, 9/16/06
You know, I’ve been following this strip again for more than a year, and I still haven’t caught up with all of its characters. I’m reasonably sure that this is the first time I’ve met Linda, the wife of the high school football coach. I was going to make some crack about the fact that her weird facial expression in the second panel makes her look like she’s suffered some sort of crippling stroke, but then I realized that this is Funky Winkerbean, and she probably has.
Spider-Man, 9/7/06
When we last checked in with the web-slinger, he had just been knocked unconscious by a sinister butler. Since then, I have refrained from commenting on the various indignities this strip has visited upon its readership. When the murderous manservant drove out to a cliff where he had somehow prearranged a camera set-up to record his snuff film, I stayed silent. When Spider-Man spent an entire strip being held at gunpoint claiming in his thought balloons that he couldn’t move without endangering the suddenly not-evil Narna, then moved out of the way the very next day, I said not a word. When Narna tried to save our hero by flinging an enormous rock, only to hit him in the back of the head — despite the fact that, in the panel where she threw the rock, Spidey was facing towards her — I held my tongue.
But this — this — cannot stand. Here we have crimes not just against logic and good sense, but a violation of some of the core rules of this genre, in which we expect the villain to be defeated, in one sense or another, by the hero, and not to be rubbed out by his own incompetence as the hero lies groggy on the ground, felled by one of his allies. I’ll bet the writers think that this is ironic. It is not ironic. The introduction and then immediate solving of a problem in last year’s loathsome health insurance storyline was bad enough, but this is an abomination that cannot be so easily forgiven. I damn thee, Spider-Man! I damn thee to superhero hell in the name of the unwritten but well-understood contract between author and reader! Anathema, anathema!
Apartment 3-G, 9/7/06
Beer! Is there anything it can’t do? Beer looks like it’s about to get Tommie laid, which would make it the most powerful substance on earth.
Now, you and I both know that Tommie isn’t going to get laid, of course. No doubt right as Ted is about to make his drunken move, Lucy’s going to show up, begging for forgiveness, and either she’ll see the two of them together and further sitcom-style complications will ensue, or they’ll suddenly realize how foolish they’ve been and start macking right there in front of our poor forlorn redhead; or, even if Lucy stays in whatever adulterous love nest she’s been in for the past few months, Tommie will suddenly have an attack of righteousness and head on back to her cold, lonely bed in Apartment 3-G. So, no nookie for Tommie. But it won’t be beer’s fault.
Judge Parker, 9/7/06
Yeah, so I take back what I said before. I don’t think the glassy-eyed Abbey wants Raju to kiss her. I now think she’s just really, really high.
Pluggers, 9/7/06
So, you’re a Plugger if, uh, you’re forever haunted by the icy specter of death? Does Pluggers have any gears other than “smug” and “depressing?”