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Archive: Spider-Man

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Has the basic hygiene skills that a spider can

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Spider-Man, 1/26/14

Welp, it looks like all’s well that ends sexily when it comes to Spider-Man’s super-battles! What could be a better reward for this strip’s loyal readership than a naked, oiled-up Peter Parker? We’ll let our characters get their scrub on before we start asking the tough questions, namely (a) how “super” can Peter’s costume be if it doesn’t prevent oil and other filth from soaking through, and (b) why did Peter even bother with that weeks-long battle to prevent his unmasking if his wife is going to make it blatantly obvious to all her co-workers that she’s married to Spider-Man?

Momma, 1/26/14

This might seem like just an innocent joke about how Francis is a sponge whose weak filial piety is easily overridden by his burning desire not to work, but keep in mind that this is Momma’s dream sequence and her relationship with Francis has extremely unsettling overtones. In other words, this tableau might as well be titled Francis Hobbes: Oedipal Gigolo.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/26/14

“Why, hello there! I’m the grim spectre of death! As you know, I haunt every single Funky Winkerbean strip, but there are some occasions where my presence is easier to detect! I like the silence in the last panel of today’s strip, because that way everyone can hear the eerie rustling of my robes and feel a chill run up their spines.”

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Sad I don’t get to keep saying “Man-Bot” forever

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Spider-Man, 1/23/14

Say what you will about this battle between the Amazing Spider-Man and a nefarious supervillain one of Iron Man’s obsolete and jury rigged armor suits controlled by a nefarious supervillain a local publishing magnate with the stakes being Spider-Man’s very life Spider-Man’s secret identity, but at least it represents recognizably superheroic activity, it’s lasted three weeks at this point, and Peter Parker hasn’t paused once to watch TV at any time during the process. But now it looks like 2014’s quota for action and excitement has all been used up, so Man-Bot is going to crash into that van in the most hilariously half-assedly drawn panel this strip has seen to date. Is Man-Bot suddenly as long as a van, even though previously it’s been shown as not much taller than an ordinary person? Is the metal of the van’s wall peeling outward, even though Man-Bot is punching through from the outside? Yes and yes, because why not and who cares!

Family Circus, 1/23/14

Oh, dear, it appears that Jeffy is really just asking for a good smiting from the creator God, is he not? Perhaps his family will be killed and he’ll be afflicted with boils and then God will serve up a long Book of Job style poem about how Jeffy doesn’t really know crap about creating a universe, hopefully with an sidebar about what lousy parents ostriches are. Maybe He’ll go with the ironic Twilight Zone method of enlightenment, eliminating all clouds (and therefore rain) from the Earth’s sky until everyone dies of thirst. Or maybe He’ll be more New Testament gentle, and just send an angel to patiently explain to Jeffy that without those clouds he would’ve blinded himself by pointing his telescope directly at the sun, what with it being in the middle of the day and all.

Phantom, 1/23/14

Hey, remember that time in 2005 when a blonde lady discovered the Skull Cave and then the Phantom erased her mind with mind-erasing drugs? Long story short, the Phantom is going to erase this lady’s mind with mind-erasing drugs.

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Fly in the ointment

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Mary Worth, 1/12/14

OK, maybe Mary is feeling certain … feelings for legendary Broadwayman Ken Kensington, feelings that have never been stirred by ostensible longtime semi-boyfriend Dr. Jeff. If the introductory quote from notorious erotica writer (eroticist? erotica-ist?) Anaïs Nin isn’t enough of a clue, how about the fact that Mary is thought-ballooning about him for four straight panels? Obviously she can’t bring herself to actually visualize the act of s-e-x, but the fact that her reverie begins with a display of monstrous bones seems significant.

But is there trouble ahead for our heroine? Of course! Because Ken in panel four looks … strangely familiar:

Oh my God, Ken is really notoriously corrupt 19th century New York political boss William Tweed! The most striking difference between these two images — Tweed’s baldness — explains why “Ken”’s hair is a weird, buttery yellow: because it’s a terrible, terrible Gilded Age toupee. I’m not sure by what means Boss Tweed has hurtled himself forward to the 21st century to romance our Mary — time travel? suspended animation? chrono-witchcraft? — but it’s clear that an upstanding citizen like Mary could never get mixed up with anyone who was the object of such ire from Harper’s. Their love can never be.

Spider-Man, 1/12/14

Um, JJJ, I know it’s cool to have spent your newspaper’s copy editing budget for the year on a powerful gadget that can override a TV camera’s feed with its own video stream, but probably you could’ve just talked to the network’s producers ahead of time and set all this up in advance? Also, “FaceTime” is a registered trademark of Apple, Inc., so expect a sternly worded letter from their legal department, narration box, hyphen or no.