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Funky Winkerbean, 1/8/14

What form of misery is the Funkyverse foisting upon us this week? How about … economic misery? It seems that beloved (?) tertiary character Kahn’s business has succumbed to failure. Kahn was introduced during the stretch when I wasn’t reading Funky Winkerbean, but I’m pretty sure he was someone Wally met when he was in Afghanistan, and … they had a somewhat tense relationship? But then he came to America to live the American dream and become a citizen (maybe? because of the pun?) and open his own deli, except whoops ha ha it turns out he couldn’t turn a profit and so after suffering multiple bankruptcies he’s stopped trying. The best part is, as we’ve learned today, that he’s not only giving up on his business, but on America. Yes, if your choices are the perpetually war-torn nation of Afghanistan and the horrifying misery pit of cancer and sadness that is Westview, you might as well at least pick the one where you speak the language natively. Probably his violent death there will at least be swift, and devoid of irony or smirking!

Momma, 1/8/14

Speaking of misery, glum resignation tends to be the prevalent attitude of the old-lady characters in Momma, so it’s nice to see one exhibiting manic excitement instead, even if it seems to be excitement about her and/or her husband’s looming death.

Mary Worth, 1/8/14

Ugh, Jeff, if you don’t know why they call New York “the city that never sleeps,” you definitely don’t deserve Mary’s love, and are only proving that her old life was so provincial that she could never even consider returning to it. (They call it “the city that never sleeps” because of all the cocaine, for the record.)

Spider-Man, 1/8/14

If there isn’t a gay porno out there that prominently features the line “that manbot’s like a heat-seeking missile — except that it’s homed in on my heartbeat,” I’m going to be very disappointed.

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Mark Trail, 1/4/14

It’s been a weird short week, what with New Year’s Day being right in the middle of it and much of the northeast U.S. getting snowed in Friday, but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to relax and enjoy our weekend! And what better way to relax than to settle in with some crazy Mark Trail violence, with Mark and Jeff battling it out in waist- and/or thigh-deep water, surrounded by angry hornets. “I’m going to end this now, Jeff!” Mark declares, because he’s had his fun and is now going to unleash his “special” punch, the one that leaves punchees sullen and supine but otherwise unharmed.

Spider-Man, 1/4/14

Speaking of violence, here’s Spider-Man being handily defeated by Iron Man’s roboticized leftover armor, which everyone is calling “Manbot” for some hilarious reason. It is of course not at all surprising to see our hero being humiliated in a super-powered battle, but it is kind of impressive that he can’t even defeat a jerry-rigged robot operated by remote control by someone who can’t even see what’s happening and is getting all his information about the battle second hand.

Archie, 1/4/14

Wow, Pop, I know self-promotion is a must for any small businessman, but I think going around with an apron boasting that you’re literally the best is a bit showy. The food processor joke in panel one was a little forced, and normally I wouldn’t quibble about it but you are claiming to be the best, so we’re going to hold you to a higher standard.

Apartment 3-G, 1/4/14

Hey, you know what would be cool and visually interesting? To see a close-up of Tommie’s picture of her perfect, handsome fiance! Or, you know, we could just see the same three ladies in the second panel who we saw in the first panel, only standing in a slightly different sequence, with Tommie magically holding a tiny blank square on the tip of her finger, that’ll work too.

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Apartment 3-G, 1/2/14

SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT IN APARTMENT 3-G!!! No, not Tommie’s engagement — while the demands of plot stasis ensure that no A3G girl will ever actually get married, the ladies find themselves seriously involved and even proposed to with grim regularity, and so just numbers alone would make it inevitable that even poor dull Tommie would eventually attract a serious suitor. No, I’m just surprised that Tommie had the forethought to take her ring off before coming into the apartment in order to instill a little dramatic interest into her arrival, instead of just wandering in and mumbling something about marrying someone and hoping people notice her. Could it be that her new Italian fiance has schooled her in his people’s flair for the theatrical?

Not shocking: that Lu Ann needs to bring exciting conversation to a halt so that basic English words can be clarified.

Heathcliff, 1/2/14

Sequences of non-language characters in comics — like ★@X, say — are often taken to represent pain being suffered by the body part from which they emit. However, since I assume that today’s guest star is a man wearing a chicken costume and not wrapped in living chicken-flesh as part of a ghastly genetic experiment, the pain in question is Heathcliff’s, a rare moment of our cat protagonist actually suffering from his insatiable appetite.

Spider-Man, 1/2/14

Kids! Did you know that before Marvel Entertainment and Lucasfilm were safely nestled together under the corporate umbrella of the Walt Disney Company, hilarious quips like the one Spidey lets loose in panel two could result in unnecessary and destructive lawsuits? If you’ve enjoyed today’s Newspaper Spider-Man, write your Congressional representative to urge a regulatory landscape that encourages further media consolidation!