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For Better Or For Worse, 6/14/06

Oh, c’mon, Jim, forget this “dividing your ashes” stuff: why not just dig up Marian, bring her back to Ontario, get a place with Iris, and then: yowza! Posthumous three-way!

OK, that was in poor taste. But I had to do something to distract myself from Iris’ grim, death-like visage in the final panel. I mean, Jesus, it looks like she’s ready to drag him off to the underworld right now.

Family Circus, 6/14/06

Ignoring the weird jingoism of this panel for the moment, I have to ask: what the hell are these two watching? Is it the Pictures Of Rocks Against A Blank Background With A Little Folded Index Card For A Label Channel? The ticker across the top of the screen would seem to indicate that they’re watching a cable news station of some sort, but surely there’s an attractive white woman missing somewhere that could preempt this crap.

Anyway, Billy, you just wait until Operation Martian Freedom is launched sometime in late 2007. Then you could can buy your space rocks without adding to America’s trading deficit, because we’ll own Mars’ shiny red space ass.

Shoe, 6/14/06

Holy crap, did the crazy roller-skating bird from Shoe just get propositioned? I’m so stunned by this development that I can’t even work up the energy to feel sorry for him because he screwed it up.

Get Fuzzy, 6/14/06

See, this is why we all love Satchel. Because when he wants you to be appear on a game show that he invents, he hand-delivers a formal invitation. In a sealed envelope.

I’m intrigued by Rob’s claim to be a “grown-up.” I’m not convinced, based on the evidence I’ve seen.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 6/14/06

TDIET takes time out from its usual fare — which is to say the insane, petty rantings of octogenarians — to illuminate the deep structural problems in America’s health care system. This is material so politically charged that usually only Rex Morgan dares to handle it, but TDIET discusses the crisis in its own trademark fashion: by ending with “Oh, yeah!”

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Apartment 3-G, 6/5/06

“Holy crap,” a million Apartment 3-G fanboys around the country bellowed this morning. “First Batwoman, now this!” Unfortunately for Tommie, who, having finally given up on getting any action from Margo, might now be feeling hope awaken in her breast once again, I’m betting that Lu Ann is using those quotation marks such that she’ll avoid a visit from her finger-quotin’ roommate. The old “make your ex-boyfriend jealous by pretending your roommate is your hot lesbian date” ploy may get the job done, but it inevitably ends in heartbreak for the roommate. Alan will no doubt get all riled up and whisk Lu Ann off for a quick “life drawing” session, while poor Tommie will be cast aside and left to the unwanted attentions of Maynard G. McVesty.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 6/5/06

Note to cartoonists everywhere: Do not, repeat, do not deploy slang words that you don’t understand in a desperate attempt to appear “hip” or “cool” or “with it.” For instance, the author of this feature really should have consulted someone under the age of fifty to help him fully grasp all the nuances of the Truman-era neologism nerd.

Have you ever noticed that TDIET’s text inevitably has a lot of filler material (i.e., “well”, “er”, “oh, yeah”)? Are the boxes laid out in advance, and the text needs to be fluffed out to fill them? Or is some poor assistant taking dictation and afraid to apply any editorial judgement?

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Six Chix, 5/24/06

Yeah, so this makes all kinds of no sense. I suppose it’s supposed to be a play on the metaphorical and literal meanings of the phrase “horn blowing,” but … but … but. I want to believe that this isn’t just totally insane, but I just can’t figure out how. Help. Please.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 5/24/06

Fun new phrase to try to deploy in everyday life: “Pretzel Playroom.” Fun new name to suggest to expectant parents as a substitute for “Taylor” or “Devlin”: “Arfo.”

Beetle Bailey, 5/24/06

Question: Was the dashing police officer sexually attracted to Miss Buxley … or to her sexy, sexy car? Also, note that said sexy, sexy car has some pimpin’ rims, to the extent that the universe of Beetle Bailey can accommodate the concept of “pimpin’ rims.” Also also, I know that it’s probably a goof-up among the coloring monkeys, but I’d like to think that Miss Blips’ hair is suddenly blonde because she’s desperate to find out if blondes really do have more fun. (Did you know that her name was Miss Blips? I had to look it up. Yes, it’s a reference to her tiny breasts — they’re just “blips on the radar screen” compared to Miss Buxley’s — which no doubt means that the dye job won’t help.)

In cockroach news, after a bout of judicious insecticide spraying and a thorough mopping of the cat floor area to eliminate scent trails, I awoke to a roach-free cat dish this morning. Hopefully they aren’t marshaling their forces for some sort of counterattack.