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Sally Forth, 5/4/06

Tune in for future installments of Sally Forth’s alcohol-fueled blackouts and ancillary hilarity:

• “Gee, Sal, you say the car had four tires when you came home from work?”
• “All I know is that Ralph says you were the most giving and nurturing lover he’s ever had.”
• “Mom, Faye says she won’t come over for dinner again until you get rid of that gun.”
• “So you say you remember punching the other softball coach in the face, but you don’t remember kicking him in the gut after he went down?”
• “All I know is that Alice says you were the most giving and nurturing lover she’s ever had.”

Judge Parker, 5/4/06

I’m not familiar enough with the rich Judge Parker backstory to know whether Abbey was born to fabulous wealth or if she came by it by marrying (or just shacking up with? I can’t keep it straight) Sam Driver, but she clearly has a lot to learn when it comes to ordering her henchpersons about. She’s got the part where you make them dress up in ludicrous uniforms right, but she doesn’t really know how to talk to them:

• Incorrect way to respond to relayed information from an underling: Allowing to them learn unnecessary details by engaging them in a rousing game of Exposition.
• Correct way to respond to relayed information from an underling: “Did I give you permission to make eye contact with me? Return to your duties at once, Unit 39-D!”

They’ll Do It Every Time, 5/4/06

This panel ignores the tremendous pressure anyone named “Neato” is under to be tidy. As if four grueling years of male nursing school weren’t enough!

B.C., 5/4/06

OK, but see, this is just totally insane.

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They’ll Do It Every Time, 4/4/06

Points to ponder:

• I suppose “Just before the battle” is meant to presage the epic struggle between “mother” and “hubby” (and oh, the creepiness of that pair of terms) over his warranty-renewal ineptness, but doesn’t it sort of sound like they were planning on settling in for the night to watch the war for the evening? “Damn it, the assault on Fallujah is on tonight! They say it’s gonna be the biggest thing since the Tet Offensive!”
• Can you actually renew a warrantee? Isn’t the whole point that it just lasts for a limited time, because otherwise nobody would ever buy anything new?
• Does anyone get a TV set repaired anymore? Even if you’ve “renewed your warrantee” somehow, don’t they just send you a new one?
• What laws of physics would allow hubby to produce those cloud-like motion lines behind his head and back?
• Are the Barfwells one of the millions of American families without HEALTH INSURANCE? Did they decide to buy an enormous TV on weird skinny legs instead of comprehensive health coverage?
• “Barfwell”?

Discuss.

Meanwhile, in Mary Worth, Lou may not cotton to this whole “exercise” scam, but maybe he and Wilbur can get together to discuss their shared love of gelatinous, featureless blobs of ecru food-style substance?

At least Lou can get it near enough to his mouth, though it looks like he’s going to have to unhinge his jaw to swallow it one gulp the way you know he wants to.

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So, I went 0-for-Tuesday … will you forgive me if I go 2-for-Wednesday? Oh, why am I asking … you’ll take it and you’ll like it!

Apartment 3-G, 3/22/06

Holy crap but that’s a scary word balloon. It doesn’t just have icicles; it has slime-dripping tentacles, like a floating jellyfish of scorn. Watch out, Eskimo-kissing couple in the background (or, alternately, waiter with poor sense of personal space and startled restaurant patron)! Margo’s octopus of disdain has been unleashed, and there’s no stopping it!

The weirdest thing about it is that in the previous panel, she has a carefree look on her face, almost a half-smile, as she sums up Scott’s romantic MO; then she suddenly pulls an emotional 180 and whips out the Death Yowl. Maybe it’s because she has to consciously remind herself to care about the feelings of others: first she’s sort of amused and vaguely charmed by Scott’s destructive romanticism, then realizes that she’s supposed to find his antics distasteful, so she overcompensates. Either that, or in panel three she’s suddenly possessed by the demon Astaroth — and Astaroth doesn’t like men who can’t really commit themselves emotionally.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 3/22/06

I think I’m starting to feel the same sick-and-wrong love for TDIET that I feel for the Lockhorns. There’s something so very human about the endless stream of petty slights blown all out of proportion and served up lukewarm for our approbation. Though none of the incidents portrayed in any instance of this hateful comic are worth spending more than five minutes of any rational person’s time grumbling about, it nevertheless cheerfully inflates them up into terrible injustices worthy of mass letter-writing campaigns, all without a trace of irony or self-awareness. In this way, it only reflects the human animal’s endless capability for self-regard and self-righteousness. I wonder if the fact that you can now e-mail your petty gripe to the artist, instead of actually needing to write a letter about it, has brought the subject matter to new levels of pointlessness.

Today’s example seems particularly egregious, and not just because it features a guy named “Barfo”: apparently “Lillian M.” believes that any food not served up in the form of a puree or mash ought to be either swallowed whole or laminated and put on display in a temperature-controlled case. I know that being a waiter or waitress is a thankless job, and it certainly isn’t one I’d be cut out for, but if seeing a customer take a knife and fork to food makes you want to burn him alive, maybe you need to take some time off.