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Ziggy, 12/19/08

Sure, sneer all you want at this kid as some sort of symbol of ACLU-inspired civil libertarianism taken to extremes, but at least he’s not a grown man with no pants on waiting in line to see Santa.

Spider-Man, 12/19/08

After a brief bout of activity that might legitimately be called heroic, Spider-Man has surely earned an indefinite amount of time standing around with his fists on his hips looking studly, his nemesis’s ongoing non-captured status be damned. Thus, this plot will be resolved the only way that makes sense for the Spider-Man newspaper strip: by having the scrawny, not-superpowered fake Spider-Man bump the villain in the back with his shoulder.

Mark Trail, 12/19/08

OK, Pop, it’s just a rusted carburetor; there’s no need to fling yourself to the ground and clutch your forehead like a Victorian matron afflicted by the vapors. Geez, what a drama queen.

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Ziggy, 12/12/08

Here’s a disturbing trend in Ziggy (more disturbing even than the fact that bankrupt newspapers everywhere continue to pay good money for Ziggy): two days in a row of someone/something in the background doing something ill-drawn and mysterious, while Ziggy sports his Eyebags Of Despair (today accented with the Crooked Mouth Of Anguish). I guess the “joke” here is that Ziggy has had his heart-boxer-wearing ways revealed by some TSA goon, who, in unrelated news, is spectacularly high. Ziggy is humiliated by this, for some reason! It is curious, however, that Ziggy is even packing underwear in his suitcase, considering he never wears anything below the waist. Perhaps his excuse for his constant pantslessness is “But I don’t own any pants! Or underwear!” And now he’s been caught in that lie, and everyone knows he’s just an exhibitionist pervert.

(Most of us are not so shy about our underwear pattern choices, but whatever.)

Mark Trail, 12/12/08

Andy is untying Mark’s bonds. By, you know, licking them. Licking them. That … that. Wow. He’s licking the knots open. I don’t think … I … wow. Just. Yeah. Um.

Apartment 3-G, 12/12/08

“Whoa, sarcasm!” That is the high point of this little exchange, which sits at a roughly fifth-grade-level, both in terms of the quality of the wit and of the grasp of America’s innocent-until-proven-guilty legal system. Still, I’m becoming increasingly fascinated by Margo’s collar; like a cobra’s hood, it flares out angrily when external threats present themselves.

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Cleats, Ziggy, and Mary Worth, 12/11/08

Cleats has spent the last few weeks introducing Svanhildur, aka “Swan Battle,” aka “the Gunk of Cleats.” I would like to believe that I don’t actually follow Cleats closely enough to notice when new characters are introduced, but I’m afraid that idea has now been conclusively disproven. Anyway, Edith mocks the idea that swan battles are part of everyday experience; however, my understanding is that swans are merely fancy elitist geese, and geese are — I know this from living for several years near Lake Merritt in Oakland, which was lousy with them — nasty, aggressive birds willing to do battle on the innocent and the helpless with little or no provocation. Take Lynn and her totally innocent, never-got-a-fingerbang-from-him-no-sir friend Greg, feeding these ungrateful parasites in today’s flashback frame. Lynn’s dad was mad at Greg for taking Lynn away from her skating practice; Greg’s parents, on the other hand, were mad at Lynn for fleeing the scene in terror while the savage swans pecked their poor son to death.

The swan in Ziggy, meanwhile, only does battle with the dignity of birds everywhere. Its obscenely lolling tongue is particularly unsettling. Ziggy is right to manifest his patented Undereye Bags Of Horror in response.

Gil Thorp, 12/11/08

I really do keep waiting for this to turn out to be a continuation of the wacky tale of Jeff “Sacko” “6-9” “That kid who lied about his heart condition” Ponczak and Matt the Hat and Marty Moon and … you know, football season, this ostensibly being a comic about sports and all, but I’m coming around to the idea that maybe we’re firmly planted in a brave new plot of NUT BOY and armed robbery and now, two snobby prep school refugees washing up on Milford’s poverty-blighted shores! Our snooty transfer twins will be just like 90210′s Brandon and Brenda, except oppositely socially mobile, and one of them is named “Bryce” instead of “Brandon”, and they’ll probably be roped into participating in some kind of athletic activity. Perhaps Bryce will complain loudly about Milford’s lack of a polo team or yachting squad.

Beetle Bailey, 12/11/08

Yeah, lady, I’m sure this seems like a good idea now, but just wait until the beatings start.