Post Content

Zits, 7/8/09

True story: I got braces at the age of twelve, and for the first few days the experience was so painful and disorienting that I couldn’t really eat anything more solid than well-boiled pasta. This is almost certainly typical, but nobody had really warned me about it in advance, so it sort of freaked me out, and I began to worry that I’d be spending the next two years eating things that didn’t require much chewing; thus, before my mother returned from work one evening, I staged my suicide in protest. It wasn’t a particularly elaborate simulation — a florid “Good bye, cruel world that I can no longer masticate properly” note and me sprawled dramatically on the couch — and my mom’s first reaction was laughter, which means either it was wholly unconvincing or other things I don’t care to think about.

Anyway, this is my way of saying that I may be biased here, but I don’t think Dennis is telling some hilarious anecdote in panel one. The way he’s pointing at his metal-caged mouth is particularly troubling to me, and I imagine he’s actually saying “I think you made it too tight! Oh, God, the pain is unbearable!” But, accustomed to having his feelings on the matter ignored, he just slouches off with a resigned “schormz,” knowing that the discomfort will subside just in time for his next appointment, when the cycle begins again.

Family Circus, 7/8/09

Wait, a vegetarian … and all that shaggy hair … my God, have the Keanes allowed a dirty hippie into their home? The animal cracker bit may indicate that his mind has been reduced to pudding by the demon reefer, but more likely he’s just making a joke (which is also entirely unacceptable in polite company, because it confuses the children). I also suspect that if he heard Jeffy referring to him as “Mr. Coverly” he’d say “Hey, call me Jack, little guy! My dad is Mr. Coverly.” Anyway, why would our family of upstanding patriots allow this sort of person to sit in their living room and eat their generic potato chips? I suspect that he’s a new neighbor, and the clan patriarch is giving him one last chance to renounce his hateful philosophy and get a job that requires a tie; failing that, his long-haired head will be put on a spike on the Keane Kompound’s walls, as a warning to others.

Beetle Bailey, 7/8/09

I was going to make a crack about illegal use of a work-related credit card here, but on the scale of corrupt Defense Department spending, this is probably as low as it gets, even if Beetle and Miss Buxley are eating at an establishment that makes waiters wear tuxedos to serve soup. Anyway, I’m guessing she’s paying because she thinks that this way he’ll have to put out. Good luck with that, sweetie!

Post Content

Judge Parker, 2/20/09

So! Indulge me for a moment in a little Judge Parker memory-lane-travel/detective work. Longtime Judge Parker readers will recognize the name April Bower; she was a paralegal or assistant or something in Sam and Randy’s law firm, and was briefly Randy’s love interest — here they are flirting shamelessly, right before Randy teaches her how to use chopsticks in a t-shirt worthy phrase. Anyway, soon after that touching little scene, April ran off to join the CIA, because obviously the dangerous, shadowy life of a spy was preferable to being romantically involved with Randy Parker.

Anyone who dares call himself a Judge Parker commentator ought to have had all of that information at his fingertips the moment Ms. Bower dramatically reinjected herself back into this plot. And yet I spent several moments staring at panel three in puzzlement and confusion, which, I eventually realized, was because April looks an awful lot like the mean mom of Sophie’s cheerleader tormentress!

She’s even wearing a trenchcoat — just like stereotypical spies wear, HMMM? Only Abby calls this lady “Mary” and says she’s an old friend. It’s also important to note that, as those old strips I linked to illustrate, this is the first time April has appeared since Eduardo Barreto has taken over art duties for the strip. So here are the possibilities as I see them:

• Mary, knowing that nobody has seen April as drawn by the new artist, figures that she can bluff her way into the party under a false identity. Once inside, she plans to implement her revenge against the snooty Spencers by gluing Abbey to a chair and ruining her dress.
• April Bowers has been doing a deep cover operation for the CIA as “Mary,” a typical suburban mom, for years now. Her mission is to monitor one Sophie Spencer, whose known hyperintelligence and radical leftist leanings have marked her as a threat to national security.
• Barreto has a thing for Nicolette Sheridan.

In other news, the elder Judge Parker’s wife is Randy’s step-mom, and while she has expressed her motherly feelings for him before, I find it creepy that someone else would identify her as his “mom” at first sight, considering that she would have had to have given birth to him at the age of, oh, let’s say -4.

Blondie, 2/20/09

You know, considering the fact that Dagwood is Dithers’s most useless and hated employee, the two of them certainly socialize together a lot. Are there no other irascible, elderly plutocrats with Mrs. Dumont-esque wives in town with whom Dithers can get together and swap tales of robber baronage? The experience doesn’t seem to be going well for Mrs. Dithers; take a good look and you’ll notice that her usually zaftig figure seems to have wasted away. Presumably being confronted with the impossibly hourglass-shaped Blondie on a regular basis has prompted a nasty case of anorexia.

Mark Trail, 2/20/09

There’s a line in the first X-Files movie where Mulder is rambling on in typical fashion about shadowy forces within the federal bureaucracy, and posits that someday a major nationwide disaster would strike and that’s when power would be seized by “FEMA, the secret government.” This got the biggest laugh of the movie in the theater where I saw it, and that was years before we learned all too well how bad FEMA was at its actual job, to say nothing of its hidden ruling-the-nation-with-an-iron-fist duties. But today’s Mark Trail proves that maybe Mulder just had his obscure federal agencies wrong; apparently, it’s the sinister representatives of the Forest Service who are keeping tabs on each and every one of us, silently compiling dossiers, just waiting for the moment when that information will become useful. Want to know the dirty little secrets of any citizen, anywhere? Ask your local forest ranger!

Zits, 2/20/09

This may not be true in all regional dialects, but in my experience most Jewish people would say “at temple” rather than “at the temple” (just as most Christians would say “at church” rather than “at the church”). Maybe Sara is supposed to be Mormon, except that for all I know Mormons would say “at temple” too, plus I’m pretty sure Mormon temples are used exclusively for religious ceremonies and not as community centers for presentations like this. What I’m trying to say is, the “temple” to which she refers to is probably a ramshackle collection of trailers on the outskirts of town, the “Success Through Abstinence” lecture is all about how she needs to be saving herself for her future divine marriage to the Grand Exalted One, who was taken bodily up to the Heavenly Comet after the IRS tried to serve those papers to his compound seven years ago and who will collect his followers during the Great Return Event in 2017, and Jeremy will return home tonight with a shaved head and glassy-eyed stare.

Dick Tracy, 2/20/09

Obviously law enforcement officers have to improvise when potentially dangerous criminals arrive on the scene on short notice; but if your idea of “improvisation” involves hurling noxious chemicals directly into the perp’s eyes, then chuckling smugly as they stumble out blindly to their car, which they’ll inevitably drive into some kind of fiery wreck — well, that says a little something about you, is all I’m saying.

Post Content

Hi all! Just one item of note for you this week before I launch into the COTW: A faithful reader sent me a link to a funny Zits-related blog, Better Zits. For everyone who loves Zits, or hates it!

And now, this week’s top comic:

“Things you don’t want to hear your girlfriend say: ‘Someone found love on the Internet? Sounds interesting! Tell me more!’ Unless of course your girlfriend is Mary Worth. Then you present her with a long list of URLs and hope for the best.” –Amateur

And the many hilarious runners up!

“Patti’s revenge will be hiding Ken’s razor blade. Facial hair is like a duck call for fists.” –Mischief Maker

“I’ve written a haiku about today’s Momma: Momma and her son/ Slathering diaper ointment/ Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarf.” –Matmaduke

“I’ve heard enough about getting off on Tommie’s feet, Gary! That will DO! Though … I must say I’m curious how there could be a ‘wrong’ one?” –migellito

“Actually, I’m fairly certain that Bryce’s ‘You’re all about to get a lot better’ is merely the preamble to his speech about the benefits of performance enhancing drugs.” –AbbeyRoad

“Wow, Mary is quite aggressively looking everywhere but at Jeff, and I mean even more so than is standard for Mary Worth interlocutors. I think we all know what that means. I’m pretty sure Jeff does, too, and is hastily changing the subject because he knows if he pursues it it will inevitably lead to tears, recriminations, angry newspaper-brandishing, missed Bum Boat appointments, increasingly groveling answering-machine messages to which Mary is hilariously indifferent, and his final dignity-immolating resignation to the fact that he is Mary’s very last choice, and will jump at whatever scraps of pallid affection she grudgingly allots him. I for one applaud his decision, but I think mainly out of self-interest.” –Violet

“Foolish Gary! Don’t you know you can’t turn a ho into a housewife? (‘Ho’ being short for ‘wHOlly uninteresting character in a serialized comic strip.’)” –Joe Blevins

“Elrod has boxed himself in now. All I can see upcoming is either a zombie deer, or venison chili. Either of which will frighten the children and faint of heart. But I am neither, and to see that deer lumbering around at midnight craving human brains to eat will do this old heart good. Or alternatively, a good venison chili recipe will also be appreciated.” –Jumper

“9CL: I could watch this plot for the rest of my life. And, you know, it might just take that long.” –Crow T Robot

“I think the real reason Oedipus poked his eyes out was that he knew, someday, there would be something like Momma inspired by what he’d done, and on the off chance it happened during his lifetime, he wanted to make damn sure he wouldn’t have to look at it.” –Winky’s Spleen

“Judge Parker, reclining and legs apart, urges his colleague to take some cash ‘for handling my deal.’ This has nothing to do with publishing a book, does it, Your Honour?” –Mooncattie

“Why, with half the advance money, I could buy a full-sized bottle of beer, rather than make do with this bottle of Tabasco Sauce I keep refilling with with Schlitz.” –Lettuce

“Actually, Gary is doing the right thing. Just as oil and water don’t mix, he knows not to risk getting Tommie involved with information that might be interesting to some people.” –Rhekarid

“Given that the computer system Gary’s working on is in the hospital, I’m guessing the ‘sensitive information’ he’s privy to has something to do with Tommie and a stubborn rash.” –BigTed

“I can see why Patty is so distraught. Bucky has a scratch on his head! And is all alone! In the woods! At night! On the other hand, we are talking about a fucking deer, right?” –AMSTERDANG

“Last week it was an argyle sweater with electric blue Homer Simpson pants and now it’s a mint green blazer? Why is it that all the men in Mary Worth have to dress like the awkward white people from an early ’90s rap video?” –bitter law student

“All I can say about Pluggers is thank god the waitress wasn’t a cow. Or a shrimp. Were that the case, pure mayhem might have ensued. Of course, for Pluggers, mayhem would be a big step up from its current soul-crushing despondency.” –Jeff Soesbe (yeff)

“Marty Moon tells us, ‘Bryce Larkin gets a big hand as he takes his seat.’ Well d’uh — everyone in Gil Thorp gets a big hand.” –seismic-2

“‘Internet dating sometimes yields a suspect gathering of prospects.’ Did I read that? Or am I on acid?” –Monkeyhawk

“You’re a great lay, Tommie, but you’re not HIPAA violation great.” –Kelvin the Clown

“I wish Adrian had met her boyfriend in a normal place, like a bar or schoolyard!” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Boy, forget about the new Internet boyfriend! It’s Dr. JEFF I’d be worried about. That pose in the last panel has ‘psychopathic dismembering loony tunes’ written all over it. Even the usually unflappable Mary is watching him in the rear view mirror, timing her leap out of the moving car. Right now she’s reminding herself, ‘Tuck and roll, Mary … tuck and roll.'” –mojo

“Dolly isn’t referring to her Valentine hearts, but rather to her own seven misshapen hearts. What, you think a human can have a head shaped like that?” –Dagger

“Chip and Jerry found some 40-year-old blotter acid in the guitar case Hi had forgotten all about. It’s the only explanation for why Chip is trying to play a stringless guitar and Jerry is reading a 1978 issue of Cosmopolitan.” –Islamorada Girl

“Given the way he talks, Ted Confey is clearly some sort of time-traveling dandy from the nineteenth century. Fortunately for him, he’s landed amongst Mary Worth and co., so the displacement from his own era will seem negligible.” –Digger

“It disturbs me that none of you have put two and two together, looked at Ted Confey’s mustache, and determined that he’s going to be the next Mark Trail villain. Evidently he’s going to take the ‘only woman in the world’ and put her on some sort of wildlife preserve where she can run free as the only one of her species. Mark will then punch him.” –Aitherion

“Shoe needs a Spiderman-style narration box at the end of this strip: ‘Confused?! We’re making some changes to the world of Shoe! Not only are they vaguely birds, now they casually eat lightbulbs!!! It’s going to be awesome!'” –teddytoad

“Hey, Judge Parker literally said ‘You’re the new Judge Parker!’ to his son, confirming what we’ve known for … a decade. Maybe longer. Perhaps in a couple of years they’ll admit that their world is populated by an uncanny amount of young women with huge breasts.” –Sheila Sternwell

“I like the huge crucifix on the swearing-in Bible — presumably just to remind people that yes, it’s a Bible, and not simply the yellow pages or a Sears catalog.” –Calico

“That Confey is not only a cad, but a bounder. You mark my words. [Later:] I apologize for my strong language above. But I’d say the same to that ruffian’s face, if I only had the chance. [Later still:] In the thread to Sunday’s posting, I spoke harshly of this Confey fellow. I might as well confess that my own daughter was once the victim of a low villain such as he. It was before the days of the Internet — but even then, the same genius of cruelty, deception, and greed was at work in the world, as it has been, indeed, since the snake in the Garden first worked his insinuations on the tender mind of Eve. My daughter’s betrayer was an aerobics instructor, a respected profession in those days, and no one could have suspected that while he was firming the innocent behinds of America’s youth, he had quite other plans in mind. I won’t burden you all with the whole sordid tale; I’ll only say that when the television’s on late at night, and I see those haggard young women trying desperately to smile as they grimly ply their tawdry little fitness machines, I think of my daughter, and wonder if we’ll ever speak again, in this world or the next. I wish every day that we’d had a wise friend like Mary Worth.” –Morten

“I had no idea The Nation had a geography-focused offshoot. But it does sound fascinating, which explains why people are gathering outside the restaurant and asking questions through the window.” –ratnerstar

On Adrian Corey’s paramour: “Most likely, he’s the sort of man that delights in calling into port, wooing a young lady without prospects, and then making her overcome with the vapors at his worldly lusts. And then, while she is still swooned, he makes off with her jewelry and steals away, leaving only a scent of exotic cologne and a cloud of shame that leaves the young woman unmarriable. You better hurry, Mary, lest he hop the next zeppelin to Prussia and escape your meddling wrath.” –LightningDuke

“It will be an HONOR to use it! Get it? Honor? OH COME ON, I ALMOST NEVER TRY TO BE FUNNY! SOMEONE LAUGH BEFORE I START BASHING SKULLS WITH THIS GAVEL!” –Roto13

“I salute the individual who, faced with a pitch-black New York night, expresses his contempt for the darkness by honking his car horn religiously. Godspeed, sir.” –Lithros

“‘I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe!’ Ted said and let the bait hang, carefully watching Mary’s expression from the corner of his eye. Or would she? he wondered. Did she have any idea what he had found, deep in the depths of the blood-soaked Aztech temple? Did she suspect he had seen the carvings, the drawings that showed a woman leaning towards the king and suggesting that if he sacrificed a thousand captured prisoners the sun would not go out and perhaps his wife would love him again? Did she know what he knew about her past, the long, twisted influence she had stretched across dynasties and empires through the centuries? Ted swallowed another bite to keep up appearances. My, he thought with surprise, the shrimp scampi was good.” –Black Drazon

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.