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Blondie, 2/9/18

There has, of course, been a lot of political drama on the Korean peninsula of late, but tensions lifted a few notches this month when the two Korean states came to a deal over North Korea’s participation in the Olympics — they’re even going to field a unified ice hockey team! But it appears all this goodwill was just a smokescreen to allow North Korean agents to infiltrate the opening ceremony and briefly delay the lighting of the opening flame, which in turn served as a post-hypnotic trigger for their agent living under deep cover in the United States. The first step in the spy’s carefully programmed operational sequence: prepare himself a hearty meal. He’ll need the energy for the carnage ahead.

Judge Parker, 2/9/18

Wow, I have to say, back when April and her father were busy busting out of jail and trying to lure Judges Parker Junior and Senior into dangerous, whirlwind lives of fugitives from the law, I did not expect that just a few short weeks later Alan and Katherine would be irritating their fellow B&B guests with their transparent sexual satisfaction. So does this place cater specifically to old grumps and their much younger partners or what? I certainly hope the beds are easy to get in and out of!

Gil Thorp, 2/9/18

OH MY GOD, MARTY MOON’S GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE FOR BEING RACIST ON THE AIR

IT’S EVERYTHING I’VE EVER WANTED

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Mary Worth, 2/8/18

Mary Worth is, of course, the most emotionally self-actualized character in the comic strip that bears her name. How could it be any other way? All of that is on full display on today’s strip. Mary neither seeks nor fears fame. She’s ready for the attention that her muffins’ greatness might draw to her; but, on the other hand, she knows that the vulgar mob is fickle, and if they turn away from her, it’s their fault, not hers, and definitely not the muffins’. She remains open to and sanguine about all possibilities, with an equanimity that Marcus Aurelius and the Stoic philosophers of old would admire.

Spider-Man, 2/8/18

WAIT WAIT WHY DIDN’T IT WORK … THE FIRST TIME???? Is spider-sense one of those things you have to train, like the way Siri learns to understand your voice better over time? “Huh, he’s about to get whacked by a giant lizard tail. Is that good or bad? Not sure, let’s wait and see! [later] OK, definitely bad, we won’t let that happen again, ha ha!”

Crankshaft, 2/8/18

Oh, whoops, Crankshaft isn’t faking his drug-seeking behavior at all: he’s hoarding pain pills to sell at big markup to his creaky-kneed friends. Are you ready for Breaking Bad, except with more terrible wordplay?

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Shoe, 2/7/18

Hey, so, uh, it’s a real tasty mashup of shapeless joke building in today’s Shoe, isn’t it? There’s two potential ways this joke could actually make sense: Uncle Lou could’ve quit the accounting firm to go work for the Food Network, and now he does the books for the cooks, or he could’ve quit the police force to become a producer for the Food Network, and now he books the cooks. Only the second one works with Shoe’s Goggle Eyes of Horror™. It’s like they started with the “accounting … books” thing and then made their way to a slightly different punchline and then, like, forgot they could go back and change the beginning before they submitted it. It’s so aggressively half-assed that I almost have to respect it.

Gil Thorp, 2/7/18

Sure, Paloma’s angry about the state of her home island, but now she’s getting some insight into mainland politics. Turns out it’s a thin veneer of democratic process that can’t cover up a broken, unresponsive system anymore!

Crankshaft, 2/7/18

America’s response to its out-of-control opioid crisis is growing increasingly punitive — like, did you know that in many states you have to keep prescription meds in the bottle with the original label at all times, making it technically illegal to use those pill organizers? What I’m saying is, Crankshaft will never face punishment for any of his actual crimes, so if his house ends up getting raided by the local SWAT team after his doctor reports his transparent drug-seeking behavior, I’m totally OK with it.