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Mark Trail, 3/14/18

Wow, these guys went through a lot of trouble to set up a camp in conjunction with the zoo to capture lost, terrified circus animals, and yet they seem pretty mad that one of said circus animals is, uh, lost, terrified, and acting pretty much like you’d expect? Whatever, we all know that this strip has an unaccountable bias against our elephant friends, who it’s described as vicious, murderous yam thieves, so I’m not surprised Mark and company are referring to this poor creature as a “beast” and apparently preparing to take it on in hand- and stick-to-tusk combat.

Dick Tracy, 3/14/18

Hey, so, there was a Dick Tracy plot a couple months ago that I didn’t even cover because it happened so fast where Dick was kidnapped and left to die out in the snow but then almost immediately rescued by … I want to say Gravel Gertie, I think? Anyway, it didn’t really have much of an arc to it, if you follow me, and the same can be said for this plot, which practically sprinted from “Dude incurs Ghost Pepper’s wrath by trying to buy his restaurant” to “Ghost Pepper is dead from massive head trauma” in only a month, which in soap opera strip terms is like one of those extremely brief periods of time that you only need to even think about when discussing the decay of subatomic particles. Maybe the point is to accelerate the crime-adventure-dead criminal cycle, and if we’re not going to see villains eaten alive by rats anymore, at least what we lose in the baroque nature of their deaths we’ll make up for in sheer quantity.

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Mary Worth, 3/13/18

Ah ha, Dawn has been claiming all this time that everyone who dares to imply anything romantic is going on between her and Harlan doesn’t know what they’re talking about, and yet they’ve clearly had a conversation about their status! So the real question is: did Harlan have to deflect Dawn’s awkward pass, or vice versa? Anyway, as someone who spent a lot of time in college and my early 20s involved in emotionally intense all-consuming platonic relationships that never flowered into romance, I’m glad to see that the kids today are still getting involved in emotionally intense all-consuming platonic relationships that never flower into romance, and also still hanging Dark Side Of The Moon posters up in their bedrooms.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/13/18

The proud inhabitants of Appalachia, the Ozarks, and other mountainous enclaves have long been slandered by Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, but this … this goes too far. They may not be wealthy but they are proud people, and they are not into snake-fucking, despite the persistent rumors!

Blondie, 3/13/18

Suburbia, though? 100% into roast-fucking. That’s settled science.

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Mary Worth, 3/12/18

So, uh, yep, it looks like we really are moving on from Mary’s muffins vs. Ted the sex creep to … Dawn’s own weird inappropriate not-relationship with some dude! You will of course remember Harlan as Dawn’s substitue art history prof, who invited her to a one-on-one yoga session at his apartment but they definitely weren’t having sex, despite all the prying questions from Wilbur and Dawn’s mean friends. Sure, sometimes they get all dressed up and go dancing, and now he’s going to take her to Europe, where the art is even more erotic than it is in America, but they’re just friends, OK? I mean, obviously Dawn wants to give Italy another go, since last time she had just gotten dumped so all she could think about was her ex’s dick, and then she almost drowned. Let her live a little, Wilbur!

The Phantom, 3/11/18

Speaking of art, our hero in The Phantom is visiting his daughter at her fancy New York boarding school and the whole family is visiting the Met, and shoutout to the artist for reproducing this room with uncanny accuracy (the Portrait of Madame X was the tip-off for me). Anyway, the Ghost Who Takes In Some Culture While He’s In Town is mad because his daughter’s best friend is the daughter of his current archnemesis, the murderous Nomad, and, yeah, it’s a good question of how Heloise is going to feel about it, but how’s Kadia going to feel about it? Her best friend’s dad is a jungle-dwelling fraud who keeps the natives of southeast Africa in terror of his legend, all the while hoarding wealth and local cultural riches! Actually, never mind, that sounds exactly like what you’d expect from the parents of your friends at a fancy boarding school.