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Mark Trail, 6/12/17

This Mark Trail kidnap plot has been going on for approximately all of eternity at this point, but we still don’t really understand what motivates our bald-headed kidnap ringleader. What drove him to a life of crime? Why does he pretty much always look like he can’t poop and he’s real mad about it? Today we get a hint of his sad, empty emotional life: as a man who could only muster a casual “too bad Billy got shot” when a member of his crime-brotherhood was gunned down by the police, he can never understand the bonds that tie together real friends. You can keep robbing all the banks you want, but all that money isn’t going to fill the empty space inside you!

Mary Worth, 6/12/17

Unironic shoutout to the Mary Worth art team, who with Esme in panel two managed to perfectly capture a facial expression that says “Actually, it’s exactly what it looks like.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/12/17

The folk in Hootin’ Holler really only ever nominally adhered to the flatlanders’ sky-religion. When times get tough, they go out to the hidden lakes and commune with their ancient fish god.

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Mary Worth, 6/11/17

Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Derek and Esme acknowledge their attraction to one another, with their tobacco-stained lips, right in front of Katie! Here’s my main thought: Esme is wearing a tight, stunning floral dress and Katie is sporting a classic little black cocktail number, while Derek is wearing … a dull green polo shirt tucked into grey slacks? Why are these ladies fighting over this dull chump again, gimmie a break.

Rex Morgan, M.D. 6/11/17

Meanwhile, in the soap opera strips’ significantly less interesting love triangle, Holly is working overtime to prove to Kelly that she and Niki are just friends and that she wants to be friends with Kelly too! Just friends all around! Look at her, rubbing her hands together in absolute glee about all the new friends she’s going to have! This “high school musical thing” is going to be an underground prison where she can watch Niki and Kelly grow old together, right?

Pluggers, 6/11/17

You’re a plugger if all your friends are dying and you need to keep your suit clean in case you die too, so they can bury you in it.

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Pluggers, 6/10/17

Ha ha, yes, advertisers have little interest in plugger viewing habits because they don’t buy much and they’ll be dead soon, but anyway is it just me or is the plugger dog-man looking pretty pissed? “Damn you, handsome Ron Howard,” he thinks. “Damn you straight to hell for taking my wife’s heart away from me.”

Six Chix, 6/10/17

Hey, remember when there was that rash of updating classic books with “& Zombies” in the title? Well, they finally did it with the Bible, and it doesn’t look great.