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Mary Worth, 12/17/23

Many years ago, something or some collection of things I said on this site convinced some readers that I was a vegetarian, which anyone who knows me in real life would find very, very funny, given that my diet is mostly predicated on the fact that vegetables are, in my scientific opinion, “yucky.” That said, my wife’s a vegetarian and I generally find cooking with meat kind of a pain anyway, so I do often make use of various meat substitutes, and honestly they’re fine? Like the Morningstar Farms fake fried chicken patties and nuggets aren’t “chicken” per se but are serviceably salty protein delivery mechanisms; and fake beef technology has really improved over the years, with stuff like Beyond and Impossible ground “beef” being … well, distinguishable from the real thing, probably, but also greasy (in a good way) and pretty tasty. They certainly wouldn’t result in even the most hardened carnivore reacting in the kind of disgust Keith is displaying here, unless you’ve talked yourself into hating it in advance.

That said, nothing in those types of burgers could be described as “Soylent,” which is actually the brand name of a vile nutritive slurry invented by a tech guy who hated food and almost certainly had some kind of eating disorder, and which was supposed to substitute for eating altogether. I don’t want to say that this is the first indication that Mary Worth may not have a good handle on what left-wing radicals are actually like, but I will say that Soylent, while technically vegan, had more appeal to people in libertarian tech spaces who wanted to spend all day coding for their startup without pausing to cook or even chew, rather than people who actually strongly identify as vegan. Anyway, Soylent’s heyday seems to have passed, and one of the things it was most famous for was wreaking havoc on your digestive system, so if that really is a Soylent burger, Keith has that to look forward to, I guess.

Marvin, 12/17/23

Obviously the worst part of Marvin is all the piss and shit jokes. But the jokes about the romantic lives of babies? Let’s be real: they’re not great either.

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Crock, 12/16/23

The infancy story in the Gospel of Matthew is the one that mentions the Magi, and while it specifies three different gifts they brought to the baby Jesus (gold, frankincense, and myrrh), it doesn’t actually say how many people brought that stuff, and while there are three kings included in most nativity scenes, there’s nothing canonical about that number. So, who’s the smart guy now, eh, Seymour?

Family Circus, 12/16/23

Jeffy, what are you wearing? Did you come to be dumb and belligerent at this mall Santa right after doing a standup set at Caroline’s in 1988?

Hi and Lois, 12/16/23

I gotta say that I really appreciate the facial expressions and body language on Dot and Ditto here. They’re devastated! Christmas is ruined!

Mary Worth, 12/16/23

Sonia and Brad love nothing more than fighting the system, a system that includes cattle ranching and taking your hat off indoors. Keith, on other hand, loves the system, and would never violate any aspect of it, especially America’s precious trademark laws, which keep our beloved franchised fast-food restaurants safe from repetitional harm.

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Get into that holiday spirit with this season’s (week’s) top comment!

“You know if the creators needed a ‘medical issue’ for Rex to explore, they could have an arc where he examines the Schlubification Virus that’s apparently going around. Mud/Fergus seems to be it’s latest victim. He used be be a big boisterous bear of a man, and now look at him: slumped shoulders, weak chin, a hangdog expression and a partially damaged brain. Remember when Mud would have the cleverness to create outrageous schemes instead of shamelessly falling for them like a chump? Look at what the ravages of disease reduced him to!” –2+2=7

And your runners up are extremely jolly!

“Never mind the check, I wanna know what’s up with this grocery store where people line up perpendicular to the cash lanes. That is some freaky stuff.” –pugfuggly

“Hmm, Helen is the one being annoying and holding up the line, so how do I make it clear that the young person is actually the bad one? This is a five piercing minimum job.” –Schroduck

“Hahaha, Henry sure is mad at [squints] former Prime Minister of New Zealand, John Key.” –Truckosaurus

“To anyone inclined to complain that there’s no menacing in this strip: What Dennis is pointedly sipping from that glass is the contents of Mr. Mitchell’s formerly mint condition 1992 bottle of Crystal Pepsi. Dennis is just waiting for his dad to finally take his eyes off the news long enough to notice.” –Peanut Gallery

“So is Rodney Rat Reeky’s more well-to-do brother? I’m guessing his success is relatively recent, because his dental work indicates he once shared Reeky’s meth habit.” –Pozzo

“I think was can all agree that in addition to being propaganda for the animal regime, Slylock Fox & Comics for Kids also serves as propaganda for our own Educational State. This is a sad attempt to sell children on the practicality of learning algebra as a useful skill, when they have a phone in their pocket many times more powerful than the computers that landed men on the moon.” –Philip

“‘I wonder whatever happened to Falcon Crest.’ ‘I dunno. And we’re birds. So you’d think we’d know.’” –Just John

“I never thought I’d find myself staring in slack-jawed wonder at someone holding a phone in a believable manner, but here we are. Agape. Gazing at a man-mountain as he gets snitty about his ex’s dinner party planning. Keith, you’re kind of a drip, but you’ve made a believer out of me.” –els

“The soda and burger are actually for the guy in the car; Beetle has a very skewed idea of what first aid entails.” –ectojazzmage

“Listen Keith, you missed twenty years of Thanksgivings full of awkwardness and political quarreling, so I am trying my best to cram all of them in as few sessions as possible.” –Ettorre

“This might be a Me Thing, but I always get a little unnerved when they actually draw Beetle Bailey wielding a rifle. I think it’s sort of a reminder that he’s spent the last 80 years being trained to kill.” –Dan McDermott, on Facebook

“As far as retirement plans go, telling bloodthirsty raiders about your hidden gold reserves is probably not in the top 10.” –jroggs

“And it gets worse … the old geezer says back in the 70s his boots were really muddy.” –Flipper

“Being part of the same Walker-Browne syndicate, I’m guessing that Hi & Lois, Beetle Bailey and Hagar all share the same interchangeable sound stages, sets, and back lots. Efficient? Sure! Imaginative? Nope!” –Daisy

“It’s too late! Prince Albert suffocated decades ago! PLUGGERS KILLED PRINCE ALBERT!!!” –nescio

“The fortune teller has a star and crescent on her tent, both classic symbols of Islam. Brave of Crock to wade into the question of whether divination is haram under Islam. While many do support the position of al-Ghazali that attempting to see the future interferes in the domain of Allah, we must not forget that other respected scholars view it as almost medicinal. Stay tuned to Crock for other deep dives into Islamic theory, colonialism, and bad art.” –Voshkod

“I’d say this particular installment is uncharacteristically bleak for Hi and Lois, which touches upon the grim occasionally but generally favors the corny. That the late Mrs. Wavering appears to be hopped up off her hatstand on goofballs adds a welcome note of levity, in my opinion.” –Violet

“[Ring!] ‘Walker Comics Inc.’ ‘This is Smedly and Smedly, attorneys. We represent the Keane Family. Our clients believe that you infringed on their copyrighted sappy dead grandparent meme today!’ ‘Not at all! You’ll note the absence of a dead spirit or angel, which protects us from legal violations.’ ‘Nonetheless you’re treading on thin ice. Make sure that Ditto walks straight home if you know what’s good for you. Good day.’” –Little Blue Bicycle

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