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Mary Worth, 3/10/16

You’d think that after eleven and a half years of literally commenting on soap opera comic strips for a living, I’d be inured to their narrative quirks by now, but honestly, it never gets old to me how weird they are. Years ago somebody told me that continuity strips are written so that people who only read them two or three times a week (i.e., most people who read them, probably) can still follow the storylines more or less, which explains the glacial pacing, the constant repetition of points, and straight-up time-filling strips like today’s, in which Mary and Jeff take time out to explain to one of the Bum Boat’s employees how much they love the Bum Boat. It’s the sort of weird dialogue that in another context I would assume was paid product placement; but, of course, no actual restaurant would bother to pay for placement in Mary Worth, though a restaurant that did might be so cluelessly marketed that it would be named something like “the Bum Boat.” Anyway, Jerry is no doubt tired of Jeff and Mary’s shtick, but he knows he’s got to hide his contempt if he wants that sweet, sweet 12.5% tip.

Crankshaft, 3/10/16

Let’s ignore the ostensible plot action here and just focus on how delightfully angry Rose looks in panel one. She probably only has the vaguest idea of what’s going on or who this young woman is, but that isn’t stopping her from thinking “Fuck these people. Fuck all of these people.”

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Wizard of Id, 3/9/16

Your occasional reminder that one of the bits of medieval cultural flotsam Wizard of Id makes comedic hay out of is torture! Remember, torture was an omnipresent fact of like in the Middle Ages, and since the Wizard of Id is a 100% accurate depiction of medieval life, it would be narrative malpractice to not have torture jokes. Shoutout to today’s strip for really going all in on the details! The bellows in panel one shows you the technology that was once used by the state to literally inscribe its power onto its subjects. The Spook is usually pretty chill about his eternal imprisonment, but as he dangles from the wall in the background, he looks genuinely terrified about what’s about to happen. And the smoke wafting up from the red-hot iron, demonstrating the world of agony that’s about to be “communicated” to the hapless prisoner — mercy! Wholesome laughs all around!

Family Circus, 3/9/16

Bad news, Jeffy: once you’re done with childhood, intrusive thoughts about your inevitable death start on your birthday, not the next morning.

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Slylock Fox, 3/8/16

Guys, we have a lot of fun here on joshreads dot com talking about the Slylock Fox backstory, when the animal uprising destroyed human civilization and brought the Before Time to an abrupt and violent end. But let’s just enjoy today’s six differences outside of that context, and appreciate it for what it is: a doubled depiction of mustachio’d man with a thousand-mile stare selling balloons, bright red balloons, each bearing a frowny face of the sort that would appeal to only the gloomiest and gothiest. But then — one drifts away! And smiles as it drifts to the skies! Here is the secret seventh difference: in the left panel, the balloon-man happened to have one smiley balloon, and that happened to be the one he lost his grip on; in the right, he has enslaved a race of silent but emotive balloon-beings, and one of them has finally managed to break free.

Gasoline Alley, 3/8/16

Speaking of the uncanny, Gasoline Alley seems to have shifted from an incredibly long and dull plot about scrapbooking to an incredibly unnerving plot about animals who can talk but only one little boy can understand them and also a forest fire burned down their home and now they want revenge. “I understand,” the owl says. “Your human justice system doesn’t consider us animals worthy of attention or protection. Fortunately, we have razor-sharp claws and teeth and can impose our own kind of justice on those who wronged us.”

Funky Winkerbean, 3/8/16

For reasons I cannot understand, the little girls who visit Crankshaft’s elderly, lonely neighbor and are extremely literal minded about everything have now been introduced into Funky Winkerbean, and apparently this was important enough to really highlight the weird chronological discontinuity between the strips by making them ten years older. Anyway, they’re making friends! Like with that 45-year-old dude who’s always trying to have sex with high school girls but the administration lets him hang around anyway, for some reason!