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Pluggers, 7/6/16

A lot of people have asked me, in so many words, “Josh, man, what’s your deal with Pluggers? Do you hate Real America?” Not at all! What I do have a problem with, though, is an attitude that I think that Pluggers has slowly over the years shifted into showcasing, which is that many people who consider themselves residents of Real America (which is, it goes without saying, a cultural and psychological attitude rather than a geographical location) are just better at everything than other people. I say this because the strip less often depicts cultural folkways or life’s little foibles and more just basic life skills. Like today’s panel! Pluggers: they sure now how to manage their urinary processes! Speaking as a big-city liberal and resident of godless Hollyweird, let me assure you: we too know how to go pee-pee in a toilet. So do terrorists! I’m willing to guess that at some point in a terrorist’s training program, they get advice on always making sure to go to the bathroom before embarking on a mission that ends in an act of horrific violence, so they don’t get distracted. What I’m trying to say, pluggers, is that you should either focus on what really sets you apart, or maybe just acknowledge that non-pluggers are in fact humans like you, who breathe oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide and, yes, go to bathroom in advance.

Mary Worth, 7/6/16

Thank goodness for health care market innovations like urgent care clinics, which have created grades of service that can work around anybody’s irrational phobias! “No hospital!” “His father died in the hospital. Most people die in hospitals, because most people die after getting sick or being injured, and hospitals are where people go when they’re sick or injured. Tommy’s scared of them.” “Tommy, would you like to go to a health care facility for sick or injured people that has a different name?” “Sure, sounds great!”

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Mary Worth, 7/5/16

This plot is just getting underway but Tommy the (ex-)Tweaker is really cementing his place as one of the Greatest Ancillary Mary Worth Characters of all time. There are a lot of ways this could go; I’m thinking that in Tommy’s role as the symbol of society’s ills, he’ll become addicted to opioid painkillers in the aftermath of this tragic moving accident. But for now, let’s just enjoy the sight of Tommy writhing theatrically while Mary and Iris shoot meaningful “Forget everything you saw here” glances at the poor groundskeeper.

Dennis the Menace, 7/5/16

Dennis seeing instruments that product sweet, sweet music and imagining them as machines for firing hot explosive metal death at terrified human beings? Menacing indeed.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/5/16

“Jughaid was jess’ jokin’,” Loweezy protested, as the townfolk descended on their house with torches. “He … we wuz jess’ talkin’ about sneezin’ and such!” But the rule was ironclad. If anyone in the community acquired the malady known only as “th’ sickness,” that family and their home must be cleansed with fire. They all moved grimly forward, but nobody said a word.

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Dick Tracy, 7/4/16

Hey, everybody, remember the Space Coupe? Last we saw it, a couple of bad guys had stolen it, but its inventor Diet Smith had taken control of it remotely and sent it drifting endlessly into deep space. Today, two years later, in honor of our nation’s independence, Dick Tracy wants to remind you that it’s still out there, whirling forever in the vast nothingness. Did Dr. Ghote and Dr. Sail gradually suffocate as the Coupe’s oxygen slowly ran out, giving them ample time to understand their inevitable fate? Or does the magical technology that allows the vessel to move without obvious propulsion or thrust also provide infinite oxygen, leaving the ne’er-do-wells to instead confront starvation, staved off temporarily only by a brief, violent turn to cannibalism? Either way, happy birthday, America!

Six Chix, 7/4/16

On this holiday when many Americans are travelling to attend cookouts with friends and family, Six Chix would like to remind you that every social event is nothing more than a prison!

Beetle Bailey, 7/4/16

Meanwhile, in Beetle Bailey, the mullosks have evolved language capabilities so they can beg us not to kill and eat them.