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Blondie, 2/10/16

“And just like members of our family, we have exactly one photo of each of them. We englarge our family by placing one, and only one, order with every pizza place in the area. Then we add our new family member to our Collection, in the basement, behind the soundproof walls! Wait, did I say all that out loud? Uh, forget you ever saw these trophy photos, I mean, family photos, that I was looking at on my computer while I should be working, for no reason.”

Momma, 2/10/16

Momma always complains about Francis’s lack of ambition. Here, he desperately attempts to show her the scope of his vision, that laziness itself can be an art form. He will recline, like he does on Momma’s couch, but now he will let our mightiest river move him swiftly, state after state, until he’s finally swept out to sea and can embrace annihilation as he’s never seen again. “Why not just take the bus to the beach?” asks Momma as she takes a single cupcake out of the oven. Her world has always been, in every way, small.

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Mary Worth, 2/9/16

“Well, the surface of the ice represents our ability to move quickly or slowly, according to our needs and our abilities. The boundaries of the rink represent the restrictions placed on our behavior imposed by society or the nature of the universe, restrictions we need to respect and learn to live with. And the razor-sharp ice skates that swish and slice so quickly, that carry us to and fro with ease but can also, in the briefest of seconds, slice us open and end our lives in a terrifying moment of screaming and blood, so much blood — well, they represent the danger that is omnipresent, the danger that makes life so precious. Join me, Olive! Join me in this world of lightning-fast skating and sudden, violent death!”

Slylock Fox, 2/9/16

In panel one, this nice lady is going to use the scissors to cut this poor man’s shirt so that this vicious dog will finally let go of him. In panel, she’s going to use them to stab him to death.

Hagar the Horrible, 2/9/16

Ha ha, it’s funny because they’re about to be horribly killed and Eddie’s real broken up about it!

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Blondie, 2/8/16

Welp, congratulations, Blondie! It’s only Monday and you’ve succeeded in thoroughly baffling and unsettling me. What could the nickname “Ol’ Stork Baby” possibly represent? Obviously it was foisted on this poor individual against their will, since Elmo’s use of it got him sent to detention. “Stork” might be meant to refer to someone as tall and gangly, and might be what a 75-year-old would think a child would say, but it’s the addition of “baby” that really throws me off. Did this unfortunate teacher not learn the basics of biological reproduction until later than socially acceptable? Did he or she proudly announce that they’d been delivered as an infant by the stork in their adolescent years, resulting in permanent derision? Is this some telling commentary on society’s treatment of sexuality: we’re too embarrassed to speak of it forthrightly, but will also shame and humiliate those who don’t understand it?

Pluggers, 2/8/16

Piece by piece, pluggers are being rebuilt. Better than before. They’re more machine than man-animal now. Soon they’ll be unstoppable.