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Archie, 9/25/15

Archie’s whole shtick is of course to present a false and corrosive nostalgia for a bygone era that downplays any and all negative aspects of generic mid-20th century high school life, but it’s rare to see the strip get self-aware like this. Principal Weatherbee eats the lunch created in an industrial kitchen from mass-produced staple ingredients, which is the only way to feed a school full of children and staff efficiently and within the shrinking budget allotted. “It’s not like my mon used to make!” Weatherbee declares, failing to mention that for his mother preparing food for even a small family took hours and hours every week.

Dennis the Menace, 9/25/15

You know, I’d like to think that my blog is proof that cultural criticism can effect social change. Certainly Dennis has seen a real menacing uptick lately, and I’m going to take the credit and assume this is a reaction to my years-long campaign to point out how non-menacing he’s been. “Wow, Mom, you kissed me and I felt nothing. No healing, no comfort, nothing.” Pretty sure things children say to their parents don’t get more menacing than that.

Herb and Jamaal, 9/25/15

Moses also died before the people he led arrived at their destination! What I’m trying to say this could be the most emotionally affecting Herb and Jamaal storyline yet, after which they’re going to have to change the name of the strip.

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Shoe, 9/24/15

“Ha, it’s ironic because I was humiliated in front of my young ward when I tried to buy him something he wanted only to have my tenuous financial situation revealed to him in a very public way! Anyway, I know it’s only 10 a.m., but what’s the cheapest booze you got behind that counter?”

Apartment 3-G, 9/24/15

I’m about as atheist as they get, but even I wouldn’t respond to someone offering to pray for a mutual friend with a sarcastic quip and an extremely wary look, like Tommie does in panel two. “Why not, Lu Ann. It can’t hurt. Unless … you’re not planning on praying to the wrong god, are you? Then it could hurt a lot.”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/24/15

“It was mostly about sex stuff that dad likes. Anyway, have a look, I’m gonna check out WebMD to figure out exactly where on your head you should hit yourself with a hammer to induce short-term amnesia.”

Gil Thorp, 9/24/15

Gil has been extremely crabby about Holly’s Milford High reality show, demanded that he appear on-screen as little as possible, and now we know why: he doesn’t want the inevitable moment in the season when someone else starts doing his coaching for him broadcast nationwide.

Judge Parker, 9/24/15

Wait, Rocky’s back already? The strip where we found he left was only published five weeks ago! In terms of the internal Judge Parker chronology, that’s the equivalent of, what, thirty seconds? Maybe forty-five?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/24/15

“Hey, wait, with all that money I could just come up here with more interesting people than you! Turns out your work schedule is irrelevant to me now, dad.”

Dennis the Menace, 9/24/15

“‘Cause I do! I bite whoever I want, whenever I want. I’m Dennis the motherfucking Menace, lady!”

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Curtis, 9/23/15

Oh look, it’s a Curtis plotline that’s probably of interest to me and … nobody else? Curtis’s family has always been portrayed as being of modest means, and they live in a high-rise apartment building in a dense city with a subway that Curtis’s dad takes to work, and I’ve always just assumed that they just didn’t own a car for financial reasons or by choice. I’m pretty sure it’s never come up in the strip that Curtis’s dad couldn’t drive or that he claimed to not have a license. But, you know, if you were Curtis, and you knew driving was a pretty universal thing in American society but that your dad never did it, maybe you would assume he didn’t have a license! Maybe if I had a hypothetical tweenage son, he would assume that about me, so let me tell you, child who does not exist: I do, in fact, have a driver’s license that I got in my teenage years in the usual way, but then I had a bunch of accidents and near accidents and lived in cities with decent public transportation and eventually decided, you know, maybe driving isn’t for me. But even though I haven’t driven a car since 1998, I take the written tests and get a new license every time I move to a new state, because who knows what the future holds! Is this Curtis’s dad’s deal too? Guess we’ll find out! Hopefully at least the fact that he works at the DMV will be mined for ironic material somehow.

Mary Worth, 9/23/15

Toby’s pantomiming here just reinforces my belief that this storyline is, in its low-key way, one of the greatest Mary Worth has seen in years. “No, Mary! I’m not here! Lie for me! Lie for … aw. Poop.”