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Spider-Man, 8/23/15

I have no idea what the Sub-Mariner’s deal is but I sincerely hope that he has Super Irritating Couple Banter Detecting Sonar and that the “outrage” to which he refers is just the previous panels in this strip. If the total elimination of the land dwellers is the price to pay to end this intra-Parker faux jealousy gamesmanship, then so be it.

Judge Parker, 8/23/15

Remember, Speedy is the guy Neddy browbeat into selling her shipping containers below cost by accusing him of hating America. I’m sure “love” is exactly the emotion he feels for her.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/23/15

Cayla is trying to help Les remember his half-assed promise to take her to Paris! It’s not going to work.

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Apartment 3-G, 8/22/15

I just want to emphasize, again, that the Tibetan storyline being spottily rehashed here ran six years ago, long enough that most non-obsessive readers have probably forgotten and/or died, and so you really have to wonder what someone who has no idea what’s going on would make of “The Tibetan nuns saved my life, Tim. Imagine Margo’s pain!” Though, honestly, who couldn’t imagine Margo’s pain as a bunch of non-Margo ladies try to muscle in on her man? Vows of chastity, shmows of chastity; only Margo gets to nurse Margo’s almost-fiance back to health, capisce?

The Lockhorns, 8/22/15

Loretta sure has been talking a lot about the end of human civilization lately, and really, who can blame her? Obviously she and Leroy haven’t been able to muster the strength to end their awful hell-marriage, but maybe, just maybe, an apocalyptic event will do the work for them. Today she imagines the Machines who will replace us: a cleaner, better race, not causing each other endless pain with twisted, malformed emotions. They have no ability to love, but no ability to twist love around into hate, either.

Wizard of Id, 8/22/15

This might seem awful petty on the King’s part, but remember, Jesus once smote a tree that annoyed him, so it’s not like there isn’t precedent. Sorry trees! It’s open season on trees!

Mary Worth, 8/22/15

The only thing dumber than sitting right up front at your boss’s endless lecture when you might have to sneak out before he’s done is sitting right up front at your boss’s endless lecture and staring at your watch with an expression of really theatrical irritation.

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Guys, it’s almost 11 on the west coast and I’m already thinking about lunch. But no matter your time zone, we can all chow down on this tasty top comment of the week!

“I’m waiting for the strip where Toby’s sculptures come to life and slowly climb down off the shelf and creep toward Ian’s bed. I’ve already contacted Danny Elfman about scoring this sequence.” –Pozzo

The runners up are also extremely yummy:

“My question here is: how? How can you start a strip with ‘Margo makes a mad dash’ and then depict neither Margo nor the mad dash? What kinds of decisions are being made at Apartment 3-G’s central office? ‘Hmmm. We could either show the strip’s only interesting character in a dramatic moment of psychotic fugue, or we could show two Sears-catalog-model-looking guys standing around saying vague things to one another while failing, yet again, to make eye contact. Wait, remind me. Is it Show, don’t tell or Tell, don’t show?‘ ‘I’m pretty sure it’s the second one.'” –Joe Blevins

“Communion bread crumbs to be handed out by an old lady in the park by the pond.” –Philip Rodney Moon, on Facebook

“Something is amiss? I think something is amister!” –Mibbitmaker

“You don’t look very happy, ice cream man. Do you need to lie down? What becomes of you in winter? Do you slowly wither away, as the world passes you by? Have you even heard of bitcoin?” –Dan

“Going where? Take a look around: there’s nothing but white void in every direction! ‘When’ and ‘where’ were things we worried about before we were transported to this milky state of limbo, now there is only ‘here’ and ‘now’, forever.” –pugfuggly

“The plugger wrapped his pill in a wad of Liverwurst, ate all the meat, and spit out the pill, like any self-respecting dog. Now he’s running away before his wife comes along and shoves it down his throat.” –Loopina

“Aquaman’s fallen on hard times.” –Ed Dravecky, on Facebook

“PLUGGERS ARE SO DECAYED NOT EVEN SCIENCE CAN SAVE THEM” –Adam C

“Toby is not alone: Ian has to burn the midnight oil for his art, too. It’s time to pose for his album cover, ‘Plump Bearded Tenor Sings Pagliacci.’” –Made of Wince

“Lisa’s Story was supposedly all about the love story between Les and Lisa. Now apparently it turns out he didn’t include how they met and fell in love in the story of their doomed love affair? He just started in media cancer?” –Laura

“Keep your passport current, Cayla, and start researching countries with no extradition.” –lumaca morente

“It is all a part of the calculated illusion, a kind of non visual forced perspective. The Facebook emojis appear new when set against the hoary, old cliched and stereotyped depictions of parents and teens. Genius!” –Joe Momma

“General Halftrack’s office is a Euclidean nightmare — how deep does it extend? How wide? And why do the golf balls remain the same size no matter how far away they travel? You certainly have done something today, General … something irreparable.” –Izzy

“By the way, was the punchline of today’s Blondie any good? I just got as far as FEELING BORED and agreed and quit reading.” –Doctor Handsome

“Oh man, if there ever was a time to feel sorry for Captain Chinbeard, it would be now: He straight-up grew a Dejection Mullet in between panels one and two.” –Jack loves comics

“I got jealous, watching you and Natasha swinging around town together. So from now on, it will be just her and me, swinging around town together! The Black Widow and The Red Divorcée!” –seismic-2

“SPLAK™: Have you had your beige today?” –Tim Monteith, on Facebook

“Did you know that there’s a direct correlation between the decline of Spirograph and the rise in gang activity? The hip hop street youth in panel one does, and dammit he decided to do something about it.” –Tonya

“Heathcliff’s ennui is usually pretty clear, but it’s actually palpable in today’s strip. ‘Oh, aliens wearing board shorts appreciate how well I surf this tsunami wave? Whatever.'” –Drewbear

“Welcome to tonight’s Heathcliff drawing! Hope everyone has your tickets ready. The first ball up… surfing! Surfing is the first ball and the topic of tomorrow morning’s strip. The second ball up… aliens! Aliens will also appear in tomorrow’s strip. And the third and final ball… radical! The one-word ‘punchline’ of tomorrow’s strip will be radical! Surfing, aliens, radical! Hope those were the lucky words for you. But if not, enjoy tomorrow’s Heathcliff in its sheer Dadaist glory!” –Windier E. Megatons

“If you look closely at each Heathcliff, you can see the edge of a message from the illustrator, hidden under the aliens. Today’s reads: ‘let me die'” –bunivasal

“If this is indeed the very next day, it’s the perfect coda to the Dinner of Glaring. Either there was so much curt, petulant silence that Toby never mentioned her art show the next day and Hilton never mentioned that he was giving a lecture in about 21 hours, or they each mentioned their gigs but the others, their ears stuffed with hatred, didn’t hear.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

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