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Judge Parker, 10/4/15

Oh, hey, I guess we’re turning back to some actual Parker family dynamics in the strip ostensibly named for them! April has just fallen seventeen notches in my esteem for using the perfectly gross phrase “give her a grandchild,” though I’m sort of impressed at how sure she is that she’ll be able to overcome the uncertainties of the human reproductive process within a set timeframe by sheer force of steely will. Of course, we should note the way April artfully deflects Abbey’s assumption that she was going to the Balkans on World Bank business. April is of course a CIA operative and knife-weilding killer, so presumably in a few weeks reports will emerge from Montenegro of an isolated mountain village, the entire population of which was found murdered in their sleep, with the only inhabitant missing being a single newborn baby. Katherine will have her grandchild within the year, all right. Katherine will have it in record time.

Six Chix, 10/4/15

This poor woman is addicted to tops! She must fight this addiction by purging all tops from her life. There will be no tops, only bottoms. Every object will have a lower half but no upper half, an undersurface but no covering. How is this possible? What nightmare of madness-inducing, unnatural geometry is she unleashing on the universe? We will all be collateral damage in her terrible battle against her addiction.

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Spider-Man, 10/3/15

As is my wont with Newspaper Spider-Man characters plucked from the depths of Marvel’s intellectual property vault, I have gone out of my way to learn basically nothing about Prince Namor because I want to learn to love him in whatever hilariously dipshitty way that Newspaper Spider-Man chooses to portray him. I’m not even sure what his biological deal is — he lives underwater, but clearly breathes air and stuff and his people inhabit pressurized undersea environments? But they’re not just humans who moved beneath the waves centuries ago, what with the ears and the eyebrows? And also perhaps their hearts are oversized, to adapt to the oxygen-starved nature of their artificial atmosphere, which leaves then particularly vulnerable … to love? Anyway, the thought that Prince Namor would, if not for his heartbreak, be chowing down on an entire tray of “seaweed royale” is definitely one of the funnier things the comics has taught me this week.

Apartment 3-G, 10/3/15

“The most important thing is that you hover in the room and think good thoughts at her and be there when she wakes up, especially considering she didn’t recognize you before and thinks you’re dead. Don’t get in the doctors’ way! That will be extremely easy, in whatever spacious hospital room she’s in! Stay there all the time, even though you’re not legally related to her! If anyone complains, tell them I said it was OK! I’ll be somewhere else, somewhere far, far away.”

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Let’s go into the weekend with your comment of the week!

“That Darwin kid has some spark. Right there, on his left sleeve. Let’s just keep an eye on him. Ever seen polyester go up in flames? Hilarious!” –pugfuggly

These runners up are also a nonstop party!

“It’s not even a DVD. Actual air time was bought because it was addressed to the whole town. And town deserved it.” –Trey James, on Facebook

“At first, I thought it was strange that Tommie was saying ‘Hush, Eric, while I listen to Margo’s heart,’ and pressing her ear against a pick-up truck. But then again, it would be equally strange if she was listening for a heart in Margo’s chest, really.” –Schroduck

“That’s about a 34″ cathode-ray TV there, so it probably weighs 30 pounds easy, but it’s balanced precariously on two rickety legs with wheels, and the weight of the curious vulture somehow doesn’t tip it over. Yes, THAT’S my problem with the logic of today’s Slylock Fox.” –Doctor Handsome

“One interesting thing I don’t believe you’ve commented on is the fact that there apparently exists an alliance of sorts between the few remaining humans and those more conservative animals who hold to traditional mores like ‘not wearing clothes’ and ‘living as nature intended.’ Is this a brewing revolution against the New Order? Spider, vulture, snake, bat — they may be sapient now, but they haven’t embraced the bastardized appropriation of human mores that most of their society has. How poignant, that some of these creatures recognise that humanity is not their enemy, but that things were better when men were men and vultures were vultures. A world where cloned humans reclaim their cities and restore the natural order is one that these sympathetic reactionaries dream of.” –G’Quan

“We all known that the only name Les calls out during sex is his own. That’s why Cayla is smirking.” –Joe Momma

“Seriously. I walked in on him masturbating once. I knew I should’ve turned back when I heard my name said over and over again, but morbid curiosity struck. Get it? Because I’m currently dead?” –rbmalpha

“One of the symptoms of hyperthyroidism is increased bowel movements, so there’s hope for this storyline yet.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“I find it almost touching that Momma cheerfully went into a Mother-to-Mother-Filial-Comparison-Competition (or ‘son-down,’ in common parlance) with Francis at her side, rather than Thomas, her married, employed son. Sure, she knows she’s going to lose Round 1 — ‘Where is your son’s art hanging?’ — but wait ’til they get to Round 17 — ‘Is your son currently in possession of a hat?'” –Joe Blevins

“Mary Jane knows her husband is as dumb as a bag of unwashed clothes, yet Peter manages to suprise her nonetheless. Well done Peter, keep the spark alive.” –Guðmundur Bjarki, on Facebook

“Toby doesn’t get the hint that Mary is some new kind of bored with Toby’s trifling problems. For God’s sakes, this is a woman who meddled dogs in the past and she can’t even be bothered with this crap.” –Gabacho

“Summer’s a pretty tough kid. She barely cried at all when I told her to stay out of Mommy’s room when I’m recording my important secret videos.” –Chyron HR

“You may not be aware of this, Cayla, but your husband doesn’t have any siblings. I don’t have any siblings either, in case Les forgot to tell you at Lisa Orientation. Just thought I’d let you know, in case you didn’t notice the pervasive stench of Only Child Syndrome that has enshrouded our lives like a thick fog.” –K.M.

“Don’t worry Spider-Man, it’s not as chilling as it seems. Closer examination reveals that Namor is planning to use Sendit, a dated way of sharing links to large files, to get the battleship to the ocean floor. Cue weeks of puzzled frowning as he tries to create an account. ‘WHY does it NEED my DATE of BIRTH?!'” –Adam

“Also in the depths of his DTs the general sees his radio as a vicious face with bone crushing ragged teeth. Every few weeks we have to replace it when he smashes the old one with a ball peen hammer in self defense.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Also, Pluggers buy athletic shoes even though none of them have exercised since the Johnson administration.” –Flonatin of Bologna

“I think Marvin is physically transforming, Lost Highway-style, into Garfield. Which is one of those rare cases where that would actually be an improvement.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Only four garbage cans, and you call that being a ‘romantic’? Stick to hauling trash, pally.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Yeah, nothing says ‘romance’ to me like inky blackness slowly overtaking the sky while the all-seeing eye of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named hovers above, choosing whom of the walking meat below will be consumed first. Fortunately, High Priest Heathcliff and his chosen bride will be spared the carnage to follow.” –Pozzo

“Exposed to laptop radiation in its mother’s womb, and comforted only by the sound of clicking keys, the child of Rex and June Morgan would grow up to be … the Internet Troll! With all the powers of an Internet Troll, such as snark, the Internet Troll … no, wait, this hits a bit too close to home.” –Voshkod

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