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Marvin, 10/1/15

I definitely would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall for the comics syndicate editorial meeting that settled on the phrasing “Increase your poopy diaper output.” I mean, come on, Marvin, we know what you want to say. Increase your poop output. INCREASE THE AMOUNT OF POOP YOU OUTPUT FROM YOUR BUTTHOLE. HAVE THE COURAGE OF YOUR CONVICTIONS AND SAY IT, YOU MONSTER.

Hi and Lois, 10/1/15

I genuinely love the huge frown on Dawg’s face in this strip. Normally he just frolics with Trixie and her innocent little delusions. He doesn’t have the heart to be drawn into Ditto’s awful web of lies.

Pluggers, 10/1/15

Like he-pluggers, she-pluggers have memories good enough that they can recognize price inflation, but not so good that they can recognize improved buying power for average wages.

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Beetle Bailey, 9/30/15

“Why doesn’t he get his news from … the radio? Yes, he sits at a desk all day and is younger than the U.S. Army’s mandatory general officer retirement age of 64. A radio is definitely the thing that makes the most sense for this joke. Yes, sir, a radio.”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/30/15

I just want to note, in the midst of Dead Lisa’s Return — which today is taking the form of “fake photo in fake old-timey photo album” rather than “face on a TV screen,” just for a little narrative variety — that the timing on all this advice is 100% useless, thanks to negligent VHS-labelling on Lisa’s part. Like, Les and Cayla have been together for years, and a lot of these warnings didn’t really apply because Summer and Keisha were already in their late teens, but, like, what if they hadn’t been? What if they had been little kids and Cayla had only found this video after years of marriage? “Whoops, I’ve been treating Summer as an unloved stepchild and lavishing extra affection on my own daughter all this time! Darn, if only there had been some way to know this video existed at the beginning of my relationship with Les, we could have all avoided a lot of emotional drama.”

Spider-Man, 9/30/15

Now, we make fun of Newspaper Spider-Man here a lot, but let’s be sure to praise him when he deserves it. For instance, in panel one here, he’s proven himself a true innovator, coming up with a fantastically stupid new way to carry suitcases.

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Gil Thorp, 9/29/15

You guys can’t imagine how relieved I was to see this scene of cultish flame-worship in today Gil Thorp. There’s only two days left in the month, and I was worried we were about to go into October without seeing the annual Milford bonfire, that extremely unsafe ritual where the town’s children risk horrible burns in the hope of achieving fleeting football glory. After years basking in the sacred fires, years of speeches and devil horns and clenched fists and threats of violence and pleas for health and initiating foreigners in the brotherhood of burning and flinging innocent women into the air and wild-eyed, hours-long harangues, the Mudlarks finally won their championship last year. That’s why it’s extra important to engage in proper cultic behavior this year, to make sure that good fortune is repeated. The scapegoat has already been selected if the spell fails! Meanwhile, Holly Dobbs’s reality crew is capturing all this on tape, which means that Child Protective Services and/or Homeland Security is going to be investigating this whole scene in short order.

Spider-Man, 9/29/15

I can’t really blame this guy for basking in his moment of press attention. After all, usually the only time anyone wants to interview a cruise ship officer for a publication other than Cruise Industry News Quarterly Magazine (or its arch-rival, World Cruise Industry Review) is when they accidentally steer their ship into a rock or when the toilets all stop working and you’re still three days away from Curaçao. I’m a little more concerned that all the world’s leaders have decided to let Captain Epaulets take the PR lead on the issue of an undersea kingdom denying humanity use of the oceans. “Yep, our ability to transport goods from manufacturing centers to high-income nations — completely shut down!” says the grinning man who’s mainly happy that for once the chyron under his face doesn’t say ‘POOP CRUISE’ CAPTAIN: WE USED BUCKETS. “The supply chains on which modern society depends are already collapsing!”

Mary Worth, 9/29/15

“Toby, I’m going to Jeff’s place for a few hours! If you want to invite Ian over … and talk to him on neutral ground … remember that nobody else knows you’re staying here and that these black walls hide blood splatter well.”

Momma, 9/29/15

Here’s today’s Momma! It’s about her walking by a funeral parlor and reflecting that it’s definitely time for her to die.