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Crock, (panels) 7/19/15

Say there, Crock Narration Box, I believe this is your very first appearance — congratulations, and welcome to the comics page! I hope you won’t mind a little constructive criticism from a long-time fan of Narration-Box classics like Phantom (“In the Bandar tongue!”), Apartment 3-G (“On the street, at the Tribeca Grill or maybe in their apartment …”) and — the Shakespeare of Narration Boxes — Amazing Spider-Man (Irony, anyone?“):

• First, credit where credit is due! The Lost Patrol’s gimmick is that they’re, well, lost, so good job maintaining the “fruitless search” narrative.
• You’re new here, but it’s “Narration Box,” OK? The panel frame doesn’t count — put a border around yourself, for decency’s sake.
• Finally show a little sympathy for your characters — when the joke is about them tripping over camel dung, “hot” and “steaming” are just twisting the knife.

Edge City, 7/19/15

Like Hi Flagston, Greg Wilkins, Frank DeGroot, and other stuck-in-time comics Dads, Len Ardin poses as a Gen-Xer, but his choice of music outs him as a Boomer. His music and, of course, his grotesquely swollen prostate.

Crankshaft, 7/19/15

Descending into madness, billionaire Howard Hughes grew obsessed with the spy drama Ice Station Zebra, watching it over and over. Here, Rose obsessively watches two Irish guys slug it out in a coal mine, scouring every scene for hidden clues that will help her make sense of her petty, vicious, empty life. She’s thaaaaat close to insight, she just knows it — but the answers just slip away every time. Of course it upsets her stomach — have a little compassion for the crazy old bat, you jerk. And take that damn hat off in the house.

Hi, everybody! I’m filling in until the 28th while Josh visits family and friends back East. Reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if the site gives you any trouble. Enjoy!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Apartment 3-G, 7/18/15

The “Stonewall” Margo is talking about here is not the legendary Greenwich Village bar where the modern gay rights movement began, but rather some sort of English country house that fake psychic Diane was pushing as a setting for Margo’s parents’ wedding in a plot point from five months ago that you probably already forgot. Like everything else that’s happening in the current “baffling dreamscape” iteration of Apartment 3-G, this plot twist makes sense so long as you don’t think about any of the details in any way. Like, the UK isn’t exactly one of the cheaper real estate markets in the world, so I’m pretty sure a manor fancy enough to be on “that British show about some Abbey” would go for a lot more for $50,000, or even £50,000. Also, would just the prospect of Martin and Gabriella renting this place for their wedding suddenly cause it to quintuple in value? I mean, I know Martin is supposed to be super-rich, but, uhhhhhh.

Crankshaft, 7/18/15

Sure, Crankshaft’s whole thing is that he’s a loathsome asshole and that’s why this strip is unbearable, but I admit I kind of like it when he’s a loathsome asshole during his son-in-law’s attempts to bond with him. “That’s for the theater. Jesus Christ, I can’t believe I let my daughter marry a guy who makes theater comments at sporting events. You’re repugnant and you sicken me.”

Heathcliff, 7/18/15

Ha ha, Heathcliff made an extremely transparent medical marijuana joke! You know, this could explain a lot about this comic’s specific brand of low-grade, vaguely surreal whimsy.

Hey y’all, I’m off on an east coast trip to see friends and family! Your Uncle Lumpy will be here for some non-fundraising fill-in action for a week and change. See you on Wednesday the 29th!

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Hi y’all! Today is my 41st birthday, so be sure to put all your favorite jokes about me being old in the comments! (But also, tell your commenter of the week how funny this comment is.)

“Say what you will about total isolation from mainstream society and the fundamentalist indoctrination that goes on on the Keane Kompound, but that family has raised their kids Original Trilogy. The Prequels are no more welcome in that home than the filthy sinners on MSNBC. I, for one, applaud this commitment to traditional values in the face of our degraded modern ‘culture.'” –Carter Adams

These other comments are also worthy of praise!

“I’m pretty sure ‘you were impressive with your cane tonight’ is some sort of euphemism. And, by euphemism, I mean ‘penis joke.'” –T.H. Steady

“Remember when retirement-age Secret Service agent Clint Eastwood unraveled a conspiracy and saved the president in In the Line of Fire? Or when Channing Tatum, a mere applicant to the Secret Service, saved the president in White House Down? Well, it’s nice to know that a pair of well-trained former agents can also prevent a mugger from possibly stealing their Costco cards before they retire to their beach-adjacent condo to drink tea and discuss wedding plans. They don’t make Secret Service agent plot lines like they used to, is what I’m saying.” –BigTed

“Why are St. Peter’s eyes underneath his nose? Or does he have no eyes, but enormous nostrils? Did Momma go to cubist heaven?” –ratnerstar

“That picture of the Sun Bear tongue and the honey is one of the most perverted things I’ve seen outside of the absolute sickest fetishistic pornography, and, of course, the torrid, and shamefully explicit, final panel of today’s Mary Worth.” –Jack loves comics

“Look, Lockhorn female, if you keep playing a 45 record of Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here over and over again, you shouldn’t be surprised if you start seeing visions. Do you think you can tell Heaven from Hell?” –Voshkod

“Nice to see Bill Keane understands that the incest subtext is important to Star Wars fans, and doubled down by having BOTH of ‘Leia’s’ romantic interests be her brother. Of course, this is to be expected in cults, anyway. Big Daddy Keane’s frown is simply because Dolly, while getting the perversion right, is overlaying it with the obviously fake religious themes of ‘Star Wars,’ rather than the more carefully crafted but still obviously fake religious themes of the Keane Kompound.” –Briane Pagel

“I have a feeling I’m going to need some high-tech equipment! Get the lab boys working on a non-exploding boat.” –Dan

“Mark Trail, two weeks later: Hi, Mark. Hi, Cherry. Blueberry pancakes? Don’t mind if I do. Say, Mark, I got around to looking at that fish you had cryo-shipped up from Florida. Now, I haven’t had much experience with sharks or dolphins or whatever in Lost Forest, but it seems to me that what killed it was that license plate lodged in its esophagus. Mind if I keep the high tech equipment, though? Seems like it could be fun.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“For me, the best — the very best — part of this whole set up is that it looks like Spider-Man is furiously humping Peter Parker aboard that ‘bomb-rigged bat glider.’ So, if after reading years of this always-stultifying comic, you’ve ever wanted to tell Ol’ Webhead to go fuck himself … well, here you are.” –Joe Blevins

“I like how Sarge seems to be looking straight at the reader in that last panel. ‘That’s right, folks, nudity exists in this comic universe. If my dog has skin and flesh beneath his uniform, then by logical extension, so do I. Why don’t you take a long, hard think about that.’” –pugfuggly

“I’ve always said, the best part of any time travel story is where everyone stands around like a bunch of idiots idly discussing things.” –TheDiva

“I’m looking forward to the spin-off strip where Adam and Terry, former Secret Service agents, solve all their office problems the old fashioned way: with violence!” –Cloudbuster

“‘On the bright side, we’re not living in a zombie apocalypse’ appears not to be a word balloon, but a sampler hanging on the wall. This says more about The Lockhorns than I possibly could.” –Pozzo

“You know what would be a good way to determine whether Adam and Terry should work together? A trial period.” –A Concerned Reader

“Au contraire: Lisa does have a future self. And it’s a rotting, lifeless corpse. Just like the future self of literally everyone who ever has or ever will exist. Hence the comic’s actual punchline: people sure do get older as time goes by! And they inch closer to death.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“I don’t follow this strip much, does Sarah erupt out of the side of a dog like Kuato in Total Recall?” –nescio

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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