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Judge Parker, 6/25/15

Well, we all know what happens when a Spencer-Driver negotiates with a rotund man daubing his head with a cloth: the Spencer-Driver gets what they want for a ludicrously low price! Personally, I’m a little sad that anyone who goes by the name of “King Speedy” isn’t in the meth-dealing business. Honestly, I’m not 100% convinced he isn’t, which, assuming everyone is convinced everyone else is speaking in code, could result in some hilarious complications by the end of this transaction.

Apartment 3-G, 6/25/15

I know I haven’t really been keeping you up to date on this, but … Lu Ann has abruptly announced she’s quitting her job and moving away? I don’t know if this is just another A3G vague plot that will go nowhere or this strip starting to unravel itself, but it’s pretty weird that Lu Ann is now talking about selling “the apartment,” since she shares and co-owns the apartment with, like, two other people. Maybe she’ll just be selling her bedroom? I look forward to seeing realtors coming through and pointing out the lovely architectural features of the single room, and glossing over the two angry women standing there staring with crossed arms. This is Manhattan, so probably she’ll barely get a million dollars for it.

Dennis the Menace, 6/25/15

Not sure if Dennis is excited about learning decades’ worth of Wilson secrets or if he just likes the idea of a demon house that can speak via horrifying, unnatural wall-mouths, but either way it’s very unsettling, A+ menacing.

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The Phantom, 6/24/15

The Phantom is spending an awful lot of strip time showing us how the Phantom is walking in plain sight out of the building where he did Phantom-y stuff, but you know what? It gave us the opportunity to meet a dog named “Mr. Handsome,” which I am right now proclaiming to be the #1 best name for a dog ever. Here’s to you, Mr. Handsome!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/24/15

“You’ll be one of the best! Now let me gently touch your own … fleshy … head-sphere … you know what, I can say I’m not so hot on your face, dear. Here, let’s see if I can get Rene to fit you with one of our iron masks.”

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Dick Tracy, 6/23/15

So, the recently cancelled Little Orphan Annie comic strip was distributed by Tribune Media Services, which also distributes Dick Tracy, which allowed last year’s fake time-travel crossover story to happen. And now apparently Annie is just going to straight-up become a supporting Dick Tracy character, which is a positive thing you can bring up when one of your hippie friends starts complaining about out-of-control media consolidation. See, you thought this beloved Depression-era scamp was going to be gone from newspapers forever, and who brought her back? Obama? Nope, it was our friends at the various private equity firms that ended up owning the Tribune Company after its protracted bankruptcy proceedings were finally resolved! Let’s give a big hand to Angelo, Gordon & Co., Oaktree Capital Management, and other lesser stakeholders for giving this kind of creative corporate synergy a home for a while, until they abruptly shut down all unprofitable content-production operations entirely in 2017.

Anyway, let’s make the time we have left with the characters count with maximum insanity, shall we? Seems Annie and her friend, Dick Tracy’s half-moon-person granddaughter Honeymoon, are starting to go through puberty, and will have to deal with bullies in their own way, which I sincerely hope involves equal parts deadly moon powers and hired thugs paid for by Warbucks money.

Mary Worth, 6/23/15

“Ha ha, yep, we both know what really matters in life! It’s love or whatever. Say, Terry, you haven’t thought about running for Congress, have you? Running for Congress and letting me take a bullet for you? Come on I really really need this”

Six Chix, 6/23/15

Wait, is the joke that random people just show up at country weddings who don’t know the bride and groom, or that the country is haunted by bipedal, sapient cows? See, this is why I refuse to go anywhere that doesn’t have a high enough population density to support Thai food delivery.