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Dennis the Menace, 4/9/15

“Hey, Mr. Wilson, you’re a hoarder! A sad old hoarder! You think you can fill the empty hole inside you by getting more stuff, but you can’t and you never will!” Menacing level: extremely high.

Heathcliff, 4/9/15

I’m pretty sure all the tough guys out there with “THUG LIFE” tattooed across their knuckles or shoulders or whatever would be horrified if they found out that Garfield had gotten the phrase inked onto his fuzzy orange belly. But Heathcliff? Heathcliff’s a tougher breed, and is also less ubiquitous and commercial. I’m going to choose to believe that, after the initial shock, there would be grudging respect for this cartoon within the thug life tattoo community.

Spider-Man, 4/9/15

Spider-Man has, as is its wont, devolved from a brief bout of superheroic action into petty bickering. At least the bickering is over vaguely interesting philosophical questions this time around! If “superhero”/”ordinary human” is a spectrum and not a binary, how can we truly distinguish between “human altered by radioactive spider bite”, “highly trained assassin/spy who wears a distinctive skin-tight outfit”, and “actress portraying a fake superhero in a movie who took her costume home and was wearing it in public for vaguely erotic marital cosplay purposes”? Do Marvel Comics characters know about DC Comics characters like Superman, and if so do they know them as real or fictional? Are Spider-Man’s pleas for Mary Jane to help prop up his brand his most pathetic whine yet?

Beetle Bailey, 4/9/15

Oh man, I guess we’re gonna get uncomfortable glimpses into the inner sexual life of Beetle Bailey characters all week! “Can you make your computer have sex with me?” Private Blips asks, grinning girlishly. “I want to have sex with a computer!”

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/8/15

Good news, everyone! The comic strip that brought you “Nordic” and “solo car date” has another phrase that you can pretty much figure out from context but is 100% not something a native English speaker would say: “Lewis-and-Clarking.” Like, I guess this means he’s exploring her … with his eyes? For purposes of commerce, and to establish a claim of sovereignty at a later date? Eventually leading a treaty with Britain dividing land claims at the 49th parallel? OK, I think I’m losing the the thread here a bit.

Momma, 4/8/15

Now, the lowbrow amongst you are probably giggling at the “organ” double entendre, imagining the gentleman is talking about his (and a friend’s?) penis. Really, I don’t know why you need to go into the gutter to enjoy this comic. It’s literally about a man so in love with a woman that he’s willing to bloodily sacrifice himself so that she could live! “Please,” he begs her, “dismember me! Pull whatever useful parts you need out of my still-steaming corpse and throw the rest in the trash! I want nothing more than for some part of me, no matter how small, to literally become part of you!”

Beetle Bailey, 4/8/15

Hey, have you ever wondered about the inner life of Beetle Bailey characters? Like, have you thought about whether they have sex dreams? WELL TOO BAD YOU KNOW NOW

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Herb and Jamaal, 4/7/15

I’m not sure who Herb is talking to on the phone here, as his only friend as far as we can tell from the strip is Jamaal, who is both unmarried and probably close enough to the family to know a little something about Sarah’s wardrobe. Thus, I have to assume that Herb, desperate to trade vaguely derogatory wife-anecdotes with a bro, has called some kind of pay service who will provide the simulacrum of male camaraderie. “Yeah, women, they sure like shopping!” says “Jeff,” Herb’s new pal, sitting in an muggy call center in the Philippines, following the script on his screen. I worked so hard in my English classes in college, he thinks to himself, and for what? For this?

Judge Parker, 4/7/15

Hey guys, remember when Abbey was pretty blasé about the prospect of Sophie buying a boy? Well, here’s some important historical background on that!