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Herb and Jamaal, 4/7/15

I’m not sure who Herb is talking to on the phone here, as his only friend as far as we can tell from the strip is Jamaal, who is both unmarried and probably close enough to the family to know a little something about Sarah’s wardrobe. Thus, I have to assume that Herb, desperate to trade vaguely derogatory wife-anecdotes with a bro, has called some kind of pay service who will provide the simulacrum of male camaraderie. “Yeah, women, they sure like shopping!” says “Jeff,” Herb’s new pal, sitting in an muggy call center in the Philippines, following the script on his screen. I worked so hard in my English classes in college, he thinks to himself, and for what? For this?

Judge Parker, 4/7/15

Hey guys, remember when Abbey was pretty blasé about the prospect of Sophie buying a boy? Well, here’s some important historical background on that!

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Hello, Los Angeles-area or -visiting fans of me! Would you like to watch me do odd and/or funny things in public, this week? Well, you’ve got two chances to do so!

On Thursday, April 9, at 9 p.m., I’ll be doing standup at the always enjoyable Comedy Palace, at 2112 Hillhurst Ave in Los Feliz! I did this show last year and it was 100% a blast. Here is the Facebook event! Other people on the bill: Robert Buscemi, Michael Busch, Raj Desai, Stephanie Simbari, Barry Rothbart, Lizzy Cooperman, Gabe Delahaye, and Pete Holmes, many of whom you probably have heard of! And it’s free! Come and enjoy!

Then, the very next night: Friday, April 10, at 9 p.m., I’ll be performing for the very first time on the West Coast my beloved character Gary The Emotionally Fragile Substitute Yoga Instructor (pictured above)! Gary will be part of the Etch-A-Sketch show at the Loft Theater, at 929 East 2nd Street in Little Tokyo/the Arts District/whatever you want to call that part of downtown. Here is the Facebook event! Only $5! Come and enjoy!

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Mary Worth, 4/6/15

Protective services, it turns out, involves protecting important officials like Congressman M^cDugal, Adam’s favorite Congressman. Adam’s dedication to M^cDugal’s political career was so intense that he had both break up with Terry and get shot in the leg. Was someone trying to assassinate Congressman M^cDugal? No, of course not. Taking a bullet for the Congressman was just something Adam was compelled to do … something he believed in. So did he have to rig up an elaborate mechanism that would fire a gun at the Congressman’s office door while he was standing in front of it? Yes. He was compelled to do it. It was an integral part of his political ideals, of his vision for America.

Mark Trail, 4/6/15

Man, Wally sure is taking us on an emotional roller coaster ride here, isn’t he? “Ha ha, Mark, you and Cherry are going to leave, but then come back! That’s super and terrific! Now, we’ve had some laughs, but in all seriousness, these trees are everything to me, and if I go down, I’m not going down alone.”

Slylock Fox, 4/6/15

“Yeah, look, Sly, Max, I … uh …. I gotta be somewhere,” said Chief Mutt, sweating profusely. “Can you, uh, can you feed the prisoners? Food’s already here. Shouldn’t be a problem.” He was gone before Slylock could even answer him. Not really my department, Slylock grumbled to himself as he pushed the cart down to the holding cells. As the metal door clanged shut behind him, he looked it up horror. Four hardened criminals were in a cell whose bars were so far apart they could easily just walk through them. They all smiled at Slylock with murder in their eyes.