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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/9/15

Say what you will about our man Snuffy’s book learnin’, moral fiber, or long-term planning skills, but you have to admire him as a savvy realist. For instance, he’s well aware of the dysfunctional nature of the polity he lives in. He watched those fancy flatlander politicians from the state government cut the ribbon on the project that finally brought plumbing to Hootin’ Holler and thought, “Who’s gonna maintain them pipes? Folks around here? The guv’ner? The revenooers? Don’t want none for my shack, no thanks.”

Gil Thorp, 5/9/15

Looks like True’s awkward flirting is going great! “Why, yes, I have read one of the most beloved novels of the 20th century, one assigned to millions of high school students in their English classes! Mmmm, smell this hamburger, it smells like smug literacy.”

Heathcliff, 5/9/15

Never mind why Heathcliff’s owner-grandma seems scandalized by cats who aren’t wearing clothes: what’s Heathcliff’s owner-grandpa holding in his hand? Are those … calipers? Going to be working real hard at not thinking about the intersection between cat nudism and calipers for the next couple of days, thanks.

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Let’s get right to it with this week’s top comment!

“Mark seems so unnatural when he smiles that you just know it’s a task he’s broken down into smaller steps. ‘Okay, Trail, raise the eyebrows by 20 degrees. Now, use your facial muscles to bring up the corners of your mouth a little. That’s it. Don’t forget to flash those upper teeth just a little. Not too much.’ He hasn’t quite mastered what to do with his eyes, though, so he still looks like there’s a gun to his back the whole time.” –Joe Blevins

And the hilarious runners up!

“Pluggers are so old that they disdain this newfangled ‘literacy’ idea.” –Danel

“If you didn’t get the joke in Pluggers, it’s because you didn’t figure out where Grandpa is.” –vewatkin

“I thought that after Herb used the barefaced sexual euphemism ‘Complicated crossword puzzle’ he might stop there, but he just kept doubling down on it. ‘I must’ve shoved a few pieces in my pocket without realizing it’. ‘We were both so exhausted we decided to call it quits’. For shame, comic strip. Think of the children.” –Jack loves comics

“The walk was … revealing. I may have to button my blouse next time.” –Pozzo

“The joke here, of course that it was Dennis that shit on his dad’s car, dressed as Grover.” –pugfuggly

“What was the Band Box’s criminal offense at trial? Was its music too upbeat?” –Dood

“And where we’re going is a place called Aldo’s Curve. It’s the only way I could think of to end this thing cleanly.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“A guy stumbles into a rundown fleabag hotel, sweating, with pie-plate dilated eyes, sputtering something about wanting to see a gorgeous redhead dressed like a superhero. Temporarily he’s distracted by his own shriveled desiccated hands. It’s nothing the clerk, himself a holdout from the time before the hotel decided to go seedy, hasn’t already seen twice since he came on duty this morning.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Why is nothing never easy? Why is the head of a sneering man growing from my shoulder? Should I get that looked at by a doctor?” –Voshkod

“And when you do work, you can use it to move an object or bring it to a stop. And the path of least resistance is usually through a copper wire. If you need more advice, please order the Physics Platter.” –Enlong

“I don’t want my wife to think I’m some kind of creep! Now where did that tracker that I force her to wear at all times say she was?” –Brad

“It’s too bad he didn’t get a teaching position, because then he’d have pupils.” –A Concerned Reader

“But I would assume to presume to assume you didn’t assume I knew … wait, let me start over.” –TheDiva

“I’m gonna take a cue from Rex and try that out. ‘No, I don’t know how fast I was going, Officer. Sarah wasn’t involved.’ [let off with warning] ‘Sorry, I can’t make the rent payment at this time. Sarah wasn’t involved.’ [wins the lottery] ‘I have six months to a year, doctor? Oh, come on. Sarah wasn’t involved.’ [death itself no longer exists]” –made of wince

“Yes, it’s the car that has been attracting bad vibes all along. Not your creeptastic blackmailing pseudo-prodigy daughter, it’s the car.” –bad wolf

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Gil Thorp, 5/8/15

One thing I genuinely love about Gil Thorp is that sometimes the wacky teen characters they introduce for a plot in one sport vanish entirely when the season’s over, and sometimes they have starring roles in other sports, and sometimes they just show up in the background, and you’re never sure how it’s going to go! Anyway, it turns out that easygoing football phenom True Standish, who led Milford to its first title in decades, is also playing baseball for some reason, and will be romancing prickly, sassy “Boo” Radley. Will he finally suffer the career-ending injury we’ve all known is coming, by flirting so awkwardly that he ruptures something?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/8/15

“Negative vibes? Good lord, am I married to … a hippie?”