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Spider-Man, 5/15/15

In a world where superheroes are real, would superhero-themed movies and comics be as popular as they are in our sadly superhero-free world? I’m sure this theme has been explored numerous times in various comic series (the subplot in Watchmen involving the popularity of pirate-themed comic books in a world full of costumed vigilantes to mind), but in Newspaper Spider-Man, it seems that superhero films are small but profitable direct-to-DVD flicks rather than billion-dollar tentpoles that studios build their release calendar around. The fact that superheroes themselves work in said films as stuntpersons is an interesting twist, and a telling statement on the economics of crime-fighting. At least Mary Jane actually has a stunt double this time around; remember, in the first Marvella, they shot a fight scene by just having her and her main antagonist actually beat the crap out of each other in a single, unmic’d take.

Beetle Bailey, 5/15/15

This fairly shocking image of a heap of mangled corpses of enlisted men at the bottom of a ravine, sent there by the careless mistake of a feckless officer, is a brutal indictment of the way the safe, insulated ruling classes worldwide use the bodies of the poor to advance their own inter — wait, what’s that? This is Beetle Bailey? Never mind, that can’t be what’s happening here. Ha ha, it’s funny because Lt. Fuzz is bad at giving orders!

Six Chix, 5/15/15

Thanks for the warning, lady, but just look at the tiny, tiny leggings your elder is about to try on. She was dancing at Studio 54 in skintight pants when you were still in diapers, so don’t you complain to her about fashion!

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Apartment 3-G, 5/14/15

So Gabriella’s dead mom came back, turning Gabriella’s white hair black with shock, and told her … that her house was evil, or maybe Diane told her, who can say, but the important thing is that Martin’s reaction to this news is 100% hilarious. First of all, Martin’s profession, as near as I can tell, is “generic rich businessman,” so his assurance that he personally inspected their home is not particularly reassuring. “I inspected every inch of that house myself, Gabby. There are no wasteful structural redundancies or safety features that I could see. It’s extremely cost-efficient!” Then there’s his smug expression in panel two. “Heh heh, seems my beloved fiancée has been whipped into a terrified anxiety frenzy. There’s no way this won’t be a laugh riot! I gotta see this in person!”

Mark Trail, 5/14/15

So, yes, the chain of problem-solving so far has been very simple: we get fire to get rid of the beetles, and then we get the helicopters to get rid of the fire, and then we get the geese to get rid of the helicopters. Who are we going to get to get rid of the geese, though? Beavers? Do beavers eat geese?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/14/15

Yes, Sarah is an amoral creepazoid child-adult, but she’s just so cheerful about everything that I have a hard time really disliking her. “Oh, know that! I also write about how pictures make you happy or sad. Feelings, right? Feelings are things that the humans have?”

Mary Worth, 5/14/15

Today’s unsung Mary Worth hero is the guy staring down into the basket of this hot air balloon. “Christ, what a mess! I can’t believe they left this for me to clean up. What did those two do up there?”

Family Circus, 5/14/15

Thanks to all those pamphlets Daddy keeps leaving around the house, Dolly knows that fiat money inflates away the wealth of industrious savers, while specie retains its value!

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Spider-Man, 5/13/15

Aww, Spider-Man’s head is hurting because he has to do some fancy brain-thinking, which isn’t his strong suit! If only he could just solve this problem via super-powered heroics, something else he’s not particularly good at. I like the fact that his current theory about the Hobgoblin hinges on the idea that everyone else is just as incapable of not blurting out whatever transient thoughts run through their minds as he is.

Heathcliff, 5/13/15

Sure, Heathcliff has a steady girlfriend, but his sexuality is wild and cannot be tamed. Perhaps, like many couples, Heathcliff and Sonia have an “arrangement,” a negotiated agreement whereby one or both of them can have sexual liaisons outside the relationship under certain defined circumstances. Like if an owl comes onto Heathcliff, for instance. If an owl comes onto Heathcliff, Heathcliff is 100% going to fuck that owl.