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Funky Winkerbean, 3/29/15

This isn’t the first time Funky Winkerbean has used “Nordic” as a euphemism for “clinically depressed.” “I think following that couple through those movies is a lot of fun.” “Yeah, you know what else is a lot of fun? Thinking about how everybody dies and none of us escape.”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 3/29/15

“Slylock helped the bird cough it up.” Haha, how much of Slylock’s job consists of him rooting around the gullets of semi-sapient animals who’ve accidentally eaten some valuable object or piece of evidence? “I’ll just, uh, be over here holding this nice lady’s purse,” says Max.

Rex Morgan, M.D. 3/29/15

Oh hey I haven’t talked about it at all but there’s been this whole other non-Sarah non-mob storyline about Nurse Becka who got a black eye from maybe falling into a dresser in the middle of an argument with her cheating husband and then abruptly quit her job and left town, so now we’ve got her replacement … Nurse Carter! Nurse Carter is here to clean up this operation. Literally. This operation is covered with mayonnaise. It’s pretty disgusting.

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 3/29/15

“In my day, during the long, anarchic regency for the child Emperor Of All Space Glorbax IX, we didn’t need a video game to raid the galaxy! We just went down to the Star Docks, found the most disreputable ship’s captain we could spot, swore a blood oath to defend his ship’s honor, and then launched into the lightly guarded Outer Rim systems! The Galactic Peacekeepers were thin on the ground out there, so we could bomb whole cities into submission, load up our cargo bay with the valuables we salvaged from the smoking ruins, and then headed to the Market Zone, where nobody asked any questions. Sometimes we’d even ensl — er, wait, no, I mean, uh, we played some dumb kangaroo game, here on Earth, where I’ve lived my whole life, yeah, that’s it.”

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Apartment 3-G, 3/28/15

I guess I’ve sort of resigned myself to the notion that Apartment 3-G is now a perpetually vague dreamscape where odd things blandly happen for no particular reason and subject to no human logic. Anyway, is Margo’s ex-boyfriend Greg still James Bond? Is Eon Productions starting production of the next Bond film without announcing the lead actor, even to his co-stars? Will Bond just be inserted into the movie in post-production, via the same advanced green-screen technology that allowed the Owen Wilson-voiced Marmaduke to hit William H. Macy in the nuts, twice? Has Skyler just answered a Craigslist ad for a “Bond movie” that will turn out to be a porn shoot? Stay tuned!

Pluggers, 3/28/15

Wait, is a wrinkle mustache just when your upper lip gets so wrinkly it looks mustache-y? Does this only happen to pluggers? Or do only plugger grandchildren dare to be so rude to their elders?

Mark Trail, 3/28/15

Oh wow so you think big government is going to take care of our beetle problem, huh? NO THANKS LIB!!!!!!!!

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Oh let’s not dilly dally, let’s get right to the COTW!

“Ex-scuse me, but you can never have too much pink in a pillow sham. You just lost all credibility there, chica. No wonder your husband won’t listen to you — your argument has no basis in fact. I would certainly hate to see your idea of a good pillow sham. It’s probably a pinkless godawful disgrace. [actual dialogue consists of random barking]” –made of wince

The runners up are also delightful!

“So, you want us to acknowledge the avian qualities of our characters, do you? You want to see them flying around, perhaps diving into the ocean for fish? Here you go! Isn’t it everything you ever wanted?” –Enlong

“‘How would you like your steak?’ ‘The same way I like flattering roles for women in Judge Parker … extremely rare.” –Joe Blevins

“Based on Funky’s facial expression in panel 1, the only thing sadder in Funky Winkerbean than life itself and its endless crushing disappointments is the thought that anyone in the strip might ever have a function relevant to modern life.” –Francis

“Is it just me, or is Abbey asking and answering her own question in panel one? Normally I would find that a horribly annoying habit, but I think it’s a step in the right direction in this case. Hopefully all the characters will follow suit and nobody will talk directly to one another ever again. Who has hope for the future of Judge Parker? This guy!” –Dante

“Presumably the baristas in the Parkerverse write ‘The Chambers Affair is Excellent’ on half of their cups and ‘The screenplay is even better!’ on the other in an attempt to engage their customers in a discussion about Parker Privilege.” –But What Do I Know?

“I love that opening image of Terry walking to work with her arms held out and elbows folded. This is how you begin a story about a grown-up woman with a tiny briefcase who’s working a serious grown-up job, people.” –Jenny Creed

“Jam spiced with tears of loneliness is always the best spread.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Even in the face of widespread genocide, the punning continues.” –TheDiva

“What do these letters mean on the cereal box? No, seriously, I’m completely illiterate and allergic to peanuts. I might die if you don’t read it to me.” –Alex Blaze

“Oh, let’s be done with it once and for all; you’re a plugger if you are a dog that’s really Wilford Brimley.” –Joe Momma

Apartment 3-G: “I don’t know if the antagonist is a big role or a tiny role. It’s all very hush-hush. Everyone involved has had to sign agreements promising not to disclose details of the script or any of the narratological conventions of western storytelling. Who knows?!?” –Shoe Substitutes

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Coach. Here, look at my fingers! Are these the fingers of someone who knows what you’re talking about?” –Digger

“I’m sorry but I just can’t feel too bad for the pluggers in this case. If you bought your first house for less than the price of a new car today, that represents a significant financial gain, because that same house is worth FAR more today! Unless you’re some kind of terrible hoarder who wrecked the value of the own ho– ohhhh, now I get it.” –Purple Prosecutor

“I think you’ve underestimated Heathcliff. He’s not trying to maximize his purchasing power … no, no, no. Heathcliff has discovered a taste for exotic meats. And there’s only one end point for that path: Heathcliff is, sooner rather than later, going to develop a taste for human. The Heathpocalypse is nigh! Repent!” –APNDaveR

“I’m kinda digging that smug look on Bobby in panel 2. ‘Yeah, I pulled a classic Dumbo’s Feather gambit on him. Dumbo is my nickname for Max, by the way, but don’t tell him tha– Crap, he’s still in the room, isn’t he.'” –Drewbear

“Panel 2: ‘Say, is one supposed to look up and to the LEFT when pretending to recall true information or RIGHT? I can never remember … er, wait, did I say all that out loud?'” –Proteus454

“This is indeed a great tie-in with Avengers 2: My Eyes Are Up Here.” –Dan

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