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Momma, 2/25/15

Momma usually wrings laughs from the wildly imbalanced nature of the relationship between Momma and her adult children: she wants them closer, despite the fact that they’re all kind of terrible, and she herself is terrible to them in various ways, and they pull away. If that doesn’t sound funny to you, then congrats on being a decent human being, but to the extent that the conceit works, it works because Momma is cartoonishly terrible and not at all self-reflective. That’s why today’s panel three, in which Momma watches her fleeing son and poignantly reflects on her own unbearableness, is definitely one of the more depressing things the newspaper comics have to offer today.

The Lockhorns, 2/25/15

The self-loathing both halves of the Lockhorns feel is an integral part of this feature’s shtick, of course. Leroy wants so badly to disappear into comforting nothingness that he can’t even bring himself to photograph his own face.

Mark Trail, 2/25/15

You know who doesn’t go through a bunch of agonized self-reflection, ever? Wolves! Wolves feel really quite good about themselves and their totally rad ability to form an awesome, bad-ass pack and just straight up eat a whole moose. Old Ripper becomes the first Mark Trail animal to get a name other than “Lucky” that I can remember, though like the old mother moose, Ripper is old, because you have to respect the strip’s animal-identification traditions.

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Mary Worth, 2/24/15

Ha ha, whoops, when I said that Amy couldn’t possibly also be getting married because that would be “too obvious,” I forgot that “too obvious” is Mary Worth’s bread and butter. It’s not entirely clear if Amy really is engaged to Dave, or if she’s just letting her mother think so in order to show how ridiculous it is to rush into marriage so quickly, but one thing’s for certain: Gordon does have a new sitter, and it’s that little handheld gadget he’s blissfully staring into in panel one! Gordon’s love for the soothing television screen is well-known, and now he has one he can fit into his pocket wherever he goes! He doesn’t need Hanna anymore! He doesn’t need anybody.

Spider-Man, 2/24/15

This whole Spidey-fight (the proportional fight … of a spider) has pretty blissfuly ignored the laws of physics so far, but this triumphant conclusion, in which Spider-Man saves their lives by having them plummet not into concrete but into a foot of water in a concrete-lined fountain, really takes the cake. Mysterio shooting him in the chest at point-blank range would be a fitting way to end this, although it would raise the question of why he didn’t just do that to begin with.

Six Chix, 2/24/15

Hey, sexually self-actualized she-bear, I’m … not sure this is how population explosions work? Look, if you want to shun monogamy and play the field, you be you, just don’t try to come up with some transparently dumb evo-psych sociobiological justification for it.

Dennis the Menace, 2/24/15

Dennis, unable to fully grasp that other people can truly have feelings or an inner life, sees them merely as walking meat puppets whose parts are in occasional need of repair. Menacing factor: high.

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Gil Thorp, 2/23/15

So this Gil Thorp storyline is focused on fake (?) Adderall dealing now, but I still pine for a simpler time, when it mostly about Max Bacon™ colluding with Marty Moon to improve his #brand. It’s nice to see Marty is up for promoting Max via dumb bacon-themed catchphrases; once the Adderall scandal comes out, Marty will presumably face as many consequences for hyping this artificially hyped-up teen as the national sports press did for fawning over the steroid-driven Major League Baseball home run races of the late ’90s and early ’00s, which is to say none.

Beetle Bailey, 2/23/15

Look, everyone who whines that Beetle Bailey is outdated and out-of-touch: here it is featuring a new, hip, up-to-the-moment thing! I’m talking about erotic nose fondling, of course, which is an innovative new sex act being performed in Brooklyn’s hippest neighborhoods right now. Everyone will be doing it in a year or so. Selfie sticks are soooo last month.

Hi and Lois, 2/23/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Lois can’t feel joy anymore! Hi and Lois undermines its ostensible nature as a family-friendly strip by letting its readers in on a dirty little secret about families: families are terrible.

Mary Worth, 2/23/15

Ooh, so what is Amy’s big news that merits an ?-worthy invasion of Hanna’s personal space? She didn’t get married too, that’s too obvious. I’m guessing that she’s going to tell her mother that little Gordon doesn’t need to be babysat anymore, becuase she’s started dressing him like a tiny adult! Nothing says “I’m a big boy who can take of myself!” like electric blue sansabelt slacks and a matching jacket over a golf shirt.