Post Content

Oh hey it’s Friday and we’re back on the regular schedule and that means it’s COTW time!

“I think Momma is taking a Dadaist approach to its own work; a month ago the words were hand-written, but now they’re in Comic Sans. It’s like painting a mustache on the Mona Lisa, except instead of the Mona Lisa it’s a crudely drawn elderly lady whose kids don’t like her.” –Alex Blaze

But wait! There are some hilarious runners up as well!

“Aside from plot, characterization, and character development, I feel that another thing missing from this story is an explanation of why Tommie and Carol only look at/talk to each other over their shoulders. The only thing I can think of is that this whole thing is really some kind experimental marathon theatrical performance in Central Park, a ‘Theater of the Banal’ played to an audience of disoriented drug addicts, dying dogs, and you, Dear Reader.” –Voyage of the Oversnark

“Welcome to Parker Retirement Communities, the perfect place for your parents’ golden years. Dormitory-style housing, to keep a community close. Watch them race to get the top bunk! Farm-style eating, three times a day. The spry ones get to the head of the trough! And arts and crafts, to keep brains and fingers nimble. Where ‘more zippers, mule!’ isn’t just our slogan, it’s their way of life. That’s Parker Retirement Communities — look for us in low-tax industrial zones across America.” –Voshkod

“The thing that keeps pluggers from running for office is Sam Brownback’s 2009 bill prohibiting the creation of human-animal hybrids. But with his political star on the wane, perhaps the plugger’s time is finally nigh.” –Dan

“There’s just something wrong with the Apartment 3-G narrator saying ‘The days pass quickly…’ OMG, if only.” –Will C.

“So, you’re Les? Well, if you’ve crapped in your pants while crying, you can’t get in my car!” –Dr. Mabuse

“The only way this could possibly work would be for Mason’s ‘No way? Seriously?’ to be delivered in an incredibly sarcastic tone. ‘Look, buddy, I KNOW he’s you. I KNOW this is based on your own story. When I asked Who is he?, I meant, Who is he really? What’s the heart of the character? I was trying to get closer to the true Les, and you responded with an obvious, condescending remark treating me as if I were a moron. Huh…come to think of it, I guess you DID answer my question.” –Erich

“Hey, wanna come over and watch my cat go to the bathroom? I’ve got a fresh batch of lemonade and a giant, curtain-less picture window situated just perfectly to offer an unobstructed view. Be a shame to let ’em go to waste.” –Joe Blevins

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “June’s condition was revealed during Strippers & Clamfest, 2012. It’s apparently not the kind of pregnancy that results in a birth, more a curse Sarah placed on her.” –Downpuppy

“It was a proud moment for the comics editor when he insisted that the original caption, ‘Didn’t I tell you to have your defecating contest outside?’, be replaced with something less edgy.” –odinthor

“Momma needs to realize that this joke just might fail someday. She’ll set up it up by saying her husband’s death left an emptiness, and her date will respond with ‘Help me out here, are we sitting on chairs or are we both wearing capes? Hey, yours just vanished into thin air. Can mine do that, too? I’d really like to go home now.'” –made of wince

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Post Content

Marvin, 8/1/14

Guys, I know I spend a lot of time dwelling on the fact that Marvin does a lot of poop jokes, but … I dunno, it always strikes me anew that here’s a major syndicated comic that makes poop jokes one of the foundations on which it builds its comedic empire. It’s baby poop, to be sure, which gets some kind of pass, because in real life most people quite rightly think of cleaning the crap-filled underpants of an infant in entirely different terms than they would of dealing with the feces of, say, a 40-year-old. Maybe Marvin’s target audience is supposed to be people with new babies! One of the fascinating revelations in this article about how Target tries to predict when you’re pregnant based on your purchases is that people are uniquely open to changing their buying routines right after having a baby. Maybe Marvin is hoping that some poor exhausted poo-stained new parent out there is falling into a state of despair and is looking for someone, anyone to affirm that their current literally shitty existence is normal and even, from a certain perspective, kind of funny. Marvin is there for you. Eventually, your child will learn to go in the toilet, and presumably your own comics tastes will similarly grow up a little, into strips that focus on toddlers or older kids. (Hi and Lois made the savvy decision to cover the whole gamut of childhood from babies through teens, so it might earn your brand loyalty for years to come.) Meanwhile, Marvin will keep on trucking along, waiting for new parents to find it and feel the warm embrace of empathy for their struggles; for those of us who keep reading it daily for years, though, not just the 30 or so months a typical baby takes to be potty trained, Marvin’s endless free-pooping existence, combined with his overwhelmingly smug attitude about the whole matter, will just come to seem more and more grotesque.

Anyway, here’s today’s Marvin! It’s about how Marvin’s dad went running on a really hot day with Marvin on his back, and then Marvin pooped himself.

Beetle Bailey, 8/1/14

I realize this might sound hypocritical based on the above rant, but some things, like the paper-thin characterizations built for each member of the Beetle Bailey supporting cast, ought to keep going decade after decade. Plato is the “philosophical one” at Camp Swampy. He wears glasses and is literally named “Plato.” He’s not going to come up with some clever and entirely practical method to improve his situation. That’s Chip Gizmo’s territory (though if Chip did it there’d be a 50-50 chance that it wouldn’t work).

Momma, 8/1/14

Ha ha, OK, Momma, we get it! You thought it was funny in 2008 to do a strip where Momma complains about an “emptiness” that was left when her husband died, and then a suitor offered to “fill” the emptiness, and then Momma responded in such a way to imply that the offer was to “fill” (with her suitor’s penis) the “emptiness” (inside her vagina). You thought it was funny enough that you ran it again six and a half years later. But even you can’t think it’s so very hilarious that it bears repeating a third time after a mere 27 days! Please, stop the madness! Give us time to recover!

Post Content

Crankshaft, 7/31/14

Crankshaft is framed as the “fun” Funkyverse strip, but of course the infinitely dark singularity around which all matter in Funkyspace/Funkytime orbits absorbs fun like a hate-sponge. This leads to weird tonal mismatches in the strip in plots like the current courtroom drama. Crankshaft’s wildly unsafe grilling practices have been a mainstay of the strip for years, and while originally these plots were depicted as cheerful, cartoonish slapstick, over time they’ve slowly morphed into episodes that are genuinely terrifying for Crankshaft’s neighbors, family, and local first responders, who seem genuinely afraid that they might lose everything in a fire or be burned to death.

Now Crankshaft is on the jury of a man who’s actually been charged by the local legal apparatus with similar disregard for the safety of his neighbors, and of course his sympathy is fully with the accused. This seems to be written to be played for laughs, but today’s art, in which Crankshaft veers wildly from furious indignation to terrified cringing and his fellow jurors look at each other with genuine concern, makes it read more like a man alternately angry at the world’s rules and wracked with guilt over violating them. It’s definitely not “funny,” I’ll say that.

Dennis the Menace, 7/31/14

Speaking of inappropriately intense emotional displays, I want to point out that while Henry is merely cradling his face in his hands in mock despair, Dennis appears to be emitting actual tears, or at least copious amounts of sweat. Either he can’t go ten TV-free minutes without having a genuine meltdown or he’s really mastering emotional manipulation. Either option is plenty menacing.