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Apartment 3-G, 7/28/14

I’m back everybody! Isn’t it great when come back from a long time away and discover that literally nothing has changed? Tommie and Carol are wearing the same clothes they were wearing two weeks ago, and are still just standing around talking about nothing of any interest to anyone! The two of them cruelly drove away beloved non-Tommie non-Carol character “Tina” and since then it’s just been the two of them yammering away in an otherwise empty universe. Oh, were you excited by the prospect of what excitement an appearance from “Doc Wheeler” might’ve brought to the strip? Hate to break it to you, but there isn’t any “Doc Wheeler.” We sure didn’t see him on panel. Probably Tommie formed some straw into a vaguely man-shaped pile and said “Look! It’s Doc Wheeler!” and Carol said “Hey there, ‘Big Wheel!'” and then they both laughed and laughed for way, way longer than they should have.

Judge Parker, 7/28/14

Meanwhile, all sorts of things happened in Judge Parker, the main thing being that Neddy has finally come into her own as a Spencer-Driver. Balancing the books of her “Made In The USA” clothing line on the backs of the Social Security and Medicare trust funds and/or old people’s desperation? Heading down to the factory she owns to smugly watch the elderly try to operate machinery and thread needles with trembling, arthritic hands? Abbey’s right: she should’ve told Sam this sooner. He’d eat that shit up.

Better Half, 7/28/14

Also, the Better Half continued its slow and steady migration from “slightly less hateful Lockhorns knockoff” to “full-on surreal horror-nightmare.” I’m reading “spliced a pig gene with the DNA of an aerobics instructor” as meaning an aerobics instructor got some genetic material from a pig and not vice-versa, which means that the Better Half takes place in a dystopian future where even a small amount of artificially engineered DNA in a human’s genome makes that human an un-person who can be killed, cooked, and eaten without fear of legal or social repercussions.

Pluggers, 7/28/14

Deep down, pluggers know that their supposedly non-ideological knee-jerk “they’re all crooks!” attitude towards elected officials is a cop-out.

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GUYS! I am back from my post-anniversary sabbatical and ready to entertain you. Thanks for being nice to the fabulous Uncle Lumpy while I was gone! Also, thanks to Uncle Lumpy for being fabulous! He has hand selected some comments of the week(s) from when I was gone, and I have hand-selected my favorite:

“Why did you overturn my limousine? Who are you? You’re right, the next question I was going to ask was ‘why do they call you that?’ Then it would be ‘Do you live around here?’, ‘What do you think of Lebron going back to Cleveland?’ and ‘Hot enough for ya?'” –hogenmogen

But these other ones: these are solid comments as well, y’all.

“‘I shouldn’t be running away from a giraffe,’ thinks the Lion. ‘I have my pride.'” –Peanut Gallery

“Rosa’s hair makes me nervous. I keep thinking it’s going to reproduce on its own.” –Poteet

“‘What’s the color of the sky in your world?’ ‘Gray. We’re dogs, idiot.'” –seismic-2

Archie: “Maybe Archie could become Thor. ‘Halt, evildoer, lest I book dates with thee and thy best friend on the same eve!'” –Malice Acher

“Luke, I am your father, John Darling.” –Red Greenback

“Gil has personally won pity trophies for ‘Congeniality’ and ‘Swimsuit Competition.’ He also had one for ‘World’s Greatest Dad,’ but his kids insisted on a paternity test, and since he failed he had to give it back.” –Shrug

Judge Parker: “The Driver-Spencers don’t get bored; they have people to do that for them.” –Horace Broon

“‘Holy crapping pancakes, it’s an enraged buffalo! Lori’snotreallyintoyouIthinkyouneedtobroadenyourhorizonsthereareplentyofotherfishintheseaRUN!!‘” –[Old Man] Muffaroo

“Mark: ‘Run! It’s a Cape Buffalo stampede!’
Dirty: ‘Of course it’s a Cape Buffalo stampede! What other kind of buffalo are there in Africa?!’
Mark: ‘I was just trying to be specific!’
Dirty: ‘If you wanted to be specific you could have said “Run! its a stampede of syncerus caffer!“‘
Mark: ‘I was going to but I wasn’t sure you knew Latin!’
Dirty: ‘Look, my point is that you could have yelled “Run! Buffalo Stampede!” or just “Stampede!” The “Run!” part is implied during a bloody stampede! Brevity is the important part when warning somebody about a stampede, not what genus is stampeding! That’s my point.’
Mark: ‘Fine. Run! Stampede! Happy now?!’
Dirty: ‘Yes! Thank you!'” –Mikey

“Team Tracy is ignoring the real dangers of time-travel stories: the grandfather paradox. Time-loops. Violation of conservation laws. Worst of all, the dire, horrid threat of creating a Time Maid. Kill them both, Sam!” –Droopy Says

“That fucking Daddy Warbucks — first conflict profiteering and now, HE WANTS ME LUCKY CHARMS.” –Dennis Jimenez

Luann: “‘You have an assistant? Interesting. As your boss, I would expect that you would ask me first before hiring anyone. Especially with the Feds cracking down on unpaid internships.’
‘That’s OK, she is being paid in-kind with Vegamite sandwiches and false promises of physical intimacy.’
‘Great. That will make the FICA calculations even more interesting. What is 6.25% of a false promise of physical intimacy?’
‘One panel out of a week’s worth of Brad and Toni strips?'” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Any bets on what his bumper sticker says?” –tallyHO

“Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Batman.”
“My Other Car is a Shitbox too.”
“The Original 40-year-old Virgin.”
“If You See My Wife, Give Her a Hand.” –Rusty

“If this car’s a-rockin’… Just kidding, this car is never rockin.” –revenge4aldo

“Quick! Let’s hide beneath the tallest tree we can find! That large piece of sheet metal I dragged along will protect us!” –rbmalpha

“Here’s a pitch, TV execs. Crank as Matlock in a gritty reboot. Not a lovable smart guy who defends the innocent, but someone who actually commits crimes. Would also work for Murder, He Wrote.” –WeatherServo9

Apartment 3-G: “Watching Ellen slip away was hard for me. That’s why I have the face of an eighty-year-old crack whore.” –TheDiva

“I don’t know how they can do it, Mr. Fruhlinger, but the Department of Homeland Security said you can only release The Enthusiast in this government-approved version. Oh, and someone from the Department named Donna A. Lewis wanted me to ask you, ‘how does it feel, be-yotch?.'” –gelded wildebeeste

“Unable to live in a world without Olive, Mary dives into the pool hoping to kill herself.” –Liam

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Mary Worth, 7/27/14

Hmm, just the other day Mark Trail was giving out relationship advice, and here’s Mary pulling a drowning victim to safety. Ian Cameron better watch his beard, is what I’m saying.

Funky Winkerbean (rotated), 7/27/14

Starbuck Jones rescues Broadway and film legend Carol Channing from a series of late-career guest appearances in cheesy sitcoms: “Raaaaaaaaaaaaspberries!”

This is over now, right?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/27/14

You can almost hear them cackle over at Rex Morgan headquarters: “So you’ve had enough of SARAH, have you, faithful readers? Well here’s an academic politics story for you – and Rex as the voice of reason! SOON YOU WILL BEG FOR SARAH.”

Well, that’s it for me. Thanks for a fun couple weeks — see you again in late August as we follow along the Great Josh and Amber Westward Migration. Josh himself will be back Monday with special-edition Comments of the Two Weeks, a detailed critique of Mary’s figure as revealed by her soaking-wet nightgown, and all the usual succulent Joshy goodness. ‘Bye!

— Uncle Lumpy