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Mary Worth, 7/23/14

That’s it, Olive! Hide in the pool! They won’t think to look there what with your abject terror of water and stuff, so what could possibly go wrong?

If Olive lives through this night, she can look forward to a career acting in teen slasher movies.

Curtis, 7/23/14

You know, we missed Kwanzaa this year, but I’ll accept that X-ray in panel 1 and Chang’s pants as partial compensation.

Crock, 7/23/14

Still not as heartless as Funky Winkerbean. Up your game, Crock.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/23/14

Kelly – “What if I am insufficiently pleasing to SARAH? How could I go on living?
Niki – “That was before! Things are different now — and by ‘different’, I mean ‘later.'”

Heathcliff, 7/23/14

This started out a three-panel comic, but no newspaper would print the other two.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Dick Tracy, 7/22/14

Oh yeah, Diet Smith and “Daddy” Warbucks are both working on time-travel projects, just to simplify things. And Dick’s left-behind wrist wizard IS OF NO POSSIBLE USE IN FINDING HIM, so everybody please stop noticing when Smith brings it up nonstop 24/7, okay?

But the really charming thing about this strip is Sam’s tantrum. Plutocrats Diet Smith and “Daddy” Warbucks use Dick Tracy’s shadow army to protect and conceal their secret worldwide totalitarian superstate, but when push comes to shove it’s always Sam bustin’ perps and crackin’ skulls. Sure, he helped patrol the sector during the Moon Years, but chasing crooks down the Corridors of Time is just too damn much work, and if you try to pull that “it can’t be overtime if it’s in the past” crap, you are definitely gonna hear from his union rep.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/22/14

Comic John doesn’t really listen when people talk: “Garage Con? Yeah, my friend has those!” Any more “storage/solitude” and “book/bat” wordplay, though, and Holly will tune him out, too.

Judge Parker, 7/22/14

“Well let’s see, because she’s a 23-year-old who’s still drawing princess dresses and whose idea of running a factory is screaming at an immigrant seamstress, ‘You call this a flounce?’”

Ha ha Abby saw the title of this article, but couldn’t be bothered to read it.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mother Goose and Grimm, 7/21/14

Attila imagines he’s worth cloning.

You know, this strip is missing out on some pretty rich promotional opportunities:

And I bet Mooch from Mutts could kick Attila’s ass: “Shlap! Shmack! Schwat! Shpank!”

Spider-Man, 7/21/14

Um, … because they could? Though I suppose this isn’t a great time to be getting all smart-ass.

Is he … burping that plutocrat? Careful there, Ox – you’re gonna get foie gras and Paulliac all over that nice shiny vest.

And look at that dumb Ox – manhandling a mere magnate while the parker-driver gets away!

Beetle Bailey, 7/21/14

This is Beetle Bailey of the newspaper comics.
Is it even remotely funny?
No, it’s Beetle Bailey of the newspaper comics.

Comic artists everywhere: lovingly cultivated nose-hair ≠ moustache.

Sarge is forever on guard against poachers, who hunt him for his tooth.

— Uncle Lumpy