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Beetle Bailey, 5/28/14

Beetle Bailey trufans know that Wednesday is Miss Buxley Wednesday, when the strip’s increasingly crudely drawn resident sexpot is guaranteed to appear for the delight and arousal of the strip’s increasingly aged core audience. Which is why I found today’s strip, in which she insults and humiliates her boss/constant sexual harasser, so intriguing. Will we go further and further in this direction?. In a year or two, will Miss Buxley Wednesday just consist of a panel with her saying “Why on earth do I come to work in a professional setting in a little black cocktail dress? Wait, are you masturbating to me right now? You all ought to be ashamed of yourselves.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/28/14

I’ve been joking for months that this Sarah plot would devolve into “Sarah is forced to go through the motions of painting performatively, like an animal at the zoo,” but … it looks like that’s really going to happen? I guess her parents were so focused on all the money she was going to make that they didn’t pay much attention to this part of the contract, ha ha! A million thumbs up to Rex Morgan for taking things to their logical conclusion, which also involves Sarah theatrically pouting. More Sarah pouting, I say! Pout, girl! Pout with all your might!

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Mark Trail, 5/27/14

“Honey, when the bear was closing in on me, I didn’t fear for my own safety … all I could think of was you! I just filled my mind with a vision of your face, and I prayed, inwardly, with all my might, ‘O Ursicus Maximus, Lord of Bears, please call your servants away from me, and I promise that I will make a sacrifice to you out of this beautiful she-human. Spare me, O Bear God, and you will be paid back a thousand-fold in blood.’ Anyway, now I’m going outside for a little stroll, maybe down to the sacred grove that shelters the ancient Bear Altar … care to join me?”

Apartment 3-G, 5/27/14

Whoops, looks like in all the time Tommie’s been working for no pay down at the large animal cult compound, Jack neglected to mention his girlfriend! Carol refuses to address Jack with the “Doctor” honorific that his veteranarian status would seem to call for, but on the other hand she’s eager to make out with him even though he’s coated in cow afterbirth-goo, so they seem to have a good thing going on.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/26/14

One of the things I pride myself on is having a memory for the literal decade’s worth of soap opera plots I’ve covered in my time as American’s #1 soap opera comic obsessee, but even for me some things fall through the cracks. For example, until some faithful readers pointed it out in the comments, I had completely forgotten that Kelly was the midriff-baring, mom-sassing, evil punk dating antiheroine of a storyline from 2011, which ended with her paired up with Niki. Anyway, she’s now been thoroughly degothed, presumably on parental orders, which might make her somewhat sympathetic for her blackmailing little charge, who’s being forced by the museum to dress up like a parody French artist, complete with beret, for paying visitors to gawk at. “Your head’s hot? Oh, I hear you, kid. Check out this sweater they’ve got me wearin’. Man, I remember the days when my stomach was just free and exposed to the cooling air. That was the life.”

Spider-Man, 5/26/14

It’s hard for me to pick a favorite minor character in this strip. I’m obviously a big fan of Prison Guard Who Takes Time During Crisis To Weave An Evocative Metaphor, and Off-Panel Patron Of MUSEUM Who Gamely Assumes Dr. Octopus’s Arms Are Running Away From Them Rather Than Towards Their Master. But I think I’m going to have to go with Guy In Hat in panel three, who’s hanging out with Peter and MJ in some … room … where there are curtains and a floating flat-screen TV, and he’s just going to town on a sandwich. “Earth tremor? State prison? Sounds like someone’s problem, but it sure ain’t mine! [CHEWING NOISES]”

Crock, 5/26/14

Look at this sneering criminal, using God’s loopholes to escape divine punishment for a life of crime! I can’t keep track of various Christian denominations’ stance on grace and repentance and free will and predestination and such well enough to know who exactly this strip is going to irritate the most, but I certainly hope that it prompts little children across the country to have awkward conversations with their clergy! (Ha ha, just kidding, no little children read Crock, I mean why would they.)

Funky Winkerbean, 5/26/14

Soooo … his actual name is “Chester Hagglemore”? And Holly’s going to have to haggle with him to complete Cory’s Starbuck Jones collection? And his name is Hagglemore? Because he likes to haggle … more? Eh? Eh? Get it? He probably doesn’t need another nickname, is what I’m trying to say.

Gasoline Alley, 5/26/14

So, yes, doing some “kids engage in the darndest wordplay” schtick does seem like kind of poor taste when the topic is an actual dying child! But don’t worry, if I had to guess I’d say this is the start of a “Boog gets grifted” storyline.