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Gil Thorp, 8/30/24

America yearns to know: What’s up with the beloved new character “Torch” in Gil Thorp? Have we figured out if “Torch” is his first name, or his nickname, or his last name, maybe? Well, we haven’t, as it happens, and some people are getting desperate to find out. Rodney Barnes, for instance, is trying to instigate a little on-field fracas, just to see if Gil hits the new kid with a “Mister” so we can find out his surname. Alas, however: Rodney miscalculated and ended up on the receiving end of a “Mister” himself! Ah, well, good try, son. We’ll get this figured out someday, don’t you worry.

Marvin, 8/30/24

“Jordan, you ready to swim in my pool?” “Is the water in the pool going to get befouled by your piss and shit?” “Yes.” “Pass.”

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Beetle Bailey, 8/29/24

I was going to say that Beetle’s whining here is unrealistic, as well as being literally, legally insubordinate, but you know what? The damn strip is named Beetle Bailey! If not for him, Halftrack wouldn’t even exist! Put some damn respect on his name, General!

Blondie, 8/29/24

Sorry, man, you don’t put a giant calendar like that on your fridge if you’re counting down towards something you’re wistful about, like the end of barbecuing season. I think it’s clear that Dagwood’s in a doomsday cult, the “last summer barbecue” is going to burn up most of the neighborhood and the people who live there, and he’s pissed because he’s been informed he won’t be able to partake of the Flesh of the Righteous alongside the Leader before he too is immolated.

Gearhead Gertie, 8/29/24

I gotta say, if you’re sitting on a park bench minding your own business and a total stranger decides to start tut-tutting at you about the kids today and their phones, I think indignantly replying “I’m reading about NASCAR” is as good a comeback as any. Maybe it’ll convince them that you’re decent, salt-of-the-earth people, or maybe it’ll just confuse them, but either way chances are good they’ll leave you alone!

Mary Worth, 8/29/24

ME WHEN I ASSSUMED DR. ED WAS TAKING ESTELLE TO A VETERINARIAN CONVENTION BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID SHE WAS GETTING TOO OBSESSIVE ABOUT WEDDING STUFF AND ALSO SO SHE COULD LEARN MORE ABOUT THE PROFESSION: Well, I’m not sure this is really what she’d want but I think his heart’s in the right place.

ME TODAY AS I LEARN DR. ED IS TAKING ESTELLE TO A VETERINARIAN CONVENTION BECAUSE HE “OWES” HER A “DAY OUT” AND WAS GOING THERE ANYWAY: Girl. Dump him. Dump him girl!!!!

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Dick Tracy, 8/28/24

I guess the woman in the final panel is supposed to be looking up at a big screen, but it really looks like she’s rolling her eyes in contempt at this unfolding scenario. “Ugh, the craft is jamming our drones, I told you we needed to fit them with more powerful transmitters, dad, why don’t you ever listen?”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/28/24

It’s sad: under the Affordable Care Act, most health care plans provide free vaccinations and annual checkups, and at any rate the entire population of Hootin’ Holler surely qualifies for Medicaid. But the lack of communication with the outside world means none of them know this, and Doc Pritchart has no fear that a distant government might take notice of his scams, though he clearly has a healthy respect for the violence that might be visited upon him if he violates the local mores. The dentures thing is a whole different story, given that we strangely consider teeth to be an entirely separate realm from the rest of the body in terms of health care and the regulations around it; also, this may be a strike against my “the Smifs are Zoomers” theory.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/28/24

The inevitable failure of the human body, forcing us to abandon the parts of our lives we love the most even as we face years ahead of us until death? Technically a medical issue, so I’ll allow it as fodder for Rex Morgan, M.D.