“Ian as a silverback male gorilla and Toby as a marmoset are a natch but what about Mary? Do they make human sized wasp costumes?” –Hibbleton
“I appreciate how steadfastly Estelle wants an animal theme when Ed is all, ‘when I think about animals, all I think about is death.’ This might be the first emo wedding to feature lemurs.” –taig
“Well, Lois is being rude by not taking off her hat in the restaurant, so I’d say they’re even.” –Peanut Gallery
“The important thing is that the Flagstons are disrespected and everyone is unhappy! The emotional turmoil has caused Chip to literally regress to an eight-year-old, because the artists have forgotten that teenage boys usually aren’t a head shorter than their moms.” –matt w
“The wife’s problem will become clear when Ernie’s revealed as the ‘Choke ’em and Smoke ’em’ serial killer.” –Ken
“First today’s Pluggers made me contemplate mammaries on a bird, then I thought, shouldn’t Sheila Roo’s tits be inside of her pouch? Long story short, I’m in a dark place.” –nescio
“You’re a plugger if you always wished for a cleavage but you didn’t get it because, you know, you are a bird! But thanks to an entire generation of plastic surgeons raised on furry porn, your wish can come true!” –Ettorre
“Uh-oh. Looks like Truck’s fingers have become arthritic due to decades of masturbation. What? This is a ‘family paper’. Ok, it’s due to decades of [heavy finger quoting] ‘guitar playing’ then.”–2+2=7
“‘So send up our drones!’
‘Can’t, sir. They have some anti-drone technology.’
‘So deploy our anti-anti-drone tech!’
‘We tried. They’re using anti-anti-anti-drone fields!’
‘Cut though with our anti-anti-anti-anti-drone beams!’
‘No dice. They’re anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-drone shields are deflecting our anti-anti-anti-anti-drone beams!’
‘The deviousness. OK, can we launch our anti-anti…’
[Six weeks later]
‘…anti-anti-drone meerkats?’
”fraid not. They have anti-meerkat cobras in the field.’
‘Of course, but our anti-anti-meerkat-cobra-mongeese can surely handle that!’
‘Good thinking, chief!'” –Voshkod
“See I would have guessed that the next Truck Tyler medical issue would be a hive of parasites living in his muttonchops.” –Artist formerly known as Ben
“So how many veterinarians are there in Santa Royale, anyway? I thought Ed was it. This kind of shoots down his ‘I’m too busy to help you plan our wedding’ excuse.” –Pozzo
“This doesn’t look like any convention I’ve been to. Where are the bored people at their booths desperately trying to give away free stuff in hopes of a few minutes of human interaction?” –Liam
“Specifically I’m reading this article ‘Annoying NASCAR-Crazed Grandma Ruins Race Day Again.’ You heard about this maniac?” –Schroduck
“General Halftrack’s computer has no keyboard. He merely taps his fingers against a board. For all we know, it also has no screen, and he just stares at a board, too. His desk has no telephone, pens, pencils, papers, letters, in- and out-boxes, stapler, envelopes, paper clips, or other office supplies. The ‘computer’ has no printer, and if it did, it too would likely be a board. This raises the question … how did the general’s wastebasket get full in the first place? I suspect that some other private, maybe Killer or Rocky, comes in ahead of Beetle, bearing a basket full of trash, which it is then Beetle’s job to empty. Scoff if you will, but this ritual is crucial to the operation of Camp Swampy. If it were not for this steady stream of full wastebaskets emerging from General Halftrack’s office, the Army would have every reason to have him declared legally dead.” –seismic-2
“‘WEET!’ ‘What is it, Coach?’ Son, no trash talking, okay? I want people to think of you, and the quality of having high moral principles and a stately demeanor, in the same breath!’ ‘No. Don’t say it, Coach.’ ‘Yep. Barnes and Noble!’” –Bob Tice
“What Jordan really means is, ‘Anyone who has achieved our level of verbal skills has no excuse for not being toilet trained. Simple as that.’” –MKay
“Gil, no! I need closure on this profanity!” –Dan
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