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Gasoline Alley, 9/7/23

Hey, remember the human baby who was abandoned in the woods and rescued by a talking bear? Well, the bear viciously bared his teeth when he found out that the authorities were coming to arrest the baby and take him away forever! But then he had it explained to him that there are different kinds of “authorities,” and these were the kind that care for children and try to reunite them with their parents. Problem solved! He should go back to doing bear stuff now, I guess.

Judge Parker, 9/7/23

“We’ve been talking about all that nonstop for days! Mostly I wanted to talk about how we were supposed to have sex on the trip but then never did. Anyway, do you have 20 minutes?”

Family Circus, 9/7/23

I really enjoy how contemptuous PJ looks here. He doesn’t know how to talk, but if he did, he would be hissing “Jeffy, you idiot, that cat does not like our house, he is shitting” through gritted teeth.

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Six Chix, 9/6/23

One of the sad paradoxes of aging is that pets can be a great source of comfort and happiness for older people, but many rightfully worry about what will happen if their beloved animals outlive them. But what if your soul in the next world could reach out to the living to ensure that your pets were cared for? “FEED. THE. CAT.” your dead voice would echo, coming from everywhere and nowhere, burning in the brains of your family or just anyone who happened to be within a few miles of your home. They plug their ears but can still hear the command thrumming, having crossed unfathomable space and time to arrive on earth. “FEED. HIM. FEED. HIM. FEED HIM.” The cat himself daintily licks his paws, seemingly unaware of the commotion but also extremely confident that he’ll be fed on time.

Mary Worth, 9/6/23

“Whoa there, Drunky McNewlywed, my taupe globules pair best with room temperature tap water, capisce? You can start getting lit when you’re already on your way out the door and I won’t have to deal with your drunken antics. I’ve been burned before!”

Blondie, 9/6/23

Elmo, a good alibi is when you establish that you couldn’t have committed a crime because you were somewhere else at the time. This is just you saying “Oh, I didn’t do that thing I was supposed to do, because I was doing something else.” Honestly, I’d go so far as to say that this not only isn’t a good alibi, but it isn’t an alibi at all.

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Beetle Bailey, 9/5/23

A lot of Beetle Bailey’s M.O. boils down to “We thought of a joke, which of our long-ish list of one-note characters that we’ve accrued over the years can we assign it to?” Reading panel one, I though Rocky, as the camp’s resident rock-and-roll loving bad boy, was a bad choice for this, but once I realized it was about one of the soldiers being rejected by his family and forced to make a home in a cruel institution that doesn’t want him either, I changed my mind, this is a good one.

Dick Tracy, 9/5/23

Look, this may be a “Minit Mystery,” but do we have time to spend a whole strip on some Grade A Wholly Innocent [change this later if necessary –Eds] Beefcake? Yes, yes we do.

Dustin, 9/5/23

“Ha ha, get it? Wait, no, actually, that metaphor doesn’t really make sense. Sorry, I’m still workshopping this bit. Anyway, long story short, you’re dying.”

Judge Parker, 9/5/23

I’m sorry, Gloria, are you keeping meticulous accounting records of a criminal fucking conspiracy?